Talk About Marriage - View Single Post - he decided to stay, and now he is miserable

waitingwife · 11-04-2009, 07:16 AM

My husband of ten years had a short highly-emotional affair in Aug/Sept. For years, we have had money stress, he is away on business for weeks at a time, and his interest in me has been waning. I did something extremely stupid one night, but did no cheat, and it hurt him deeply. This was unfortunately at the apex of him becoming extremely close to a coworker, and he had sex with her. Revenge, hurt, inevitable... I don't know. They carried on with online chat for a few weeks, then he ended it.

I fought VERY HARD to keep him, making big changes: went back to work, started saving money/cut off my spending as he asked, agreed to share bills 50/50, and hit the gym in a major way to look my absolute best for him. He decided to stay, partly because he didn't want to hurt the children, couldn't stomach the expense of divorce, and does fundamentally believe in his vows.

And now the problem...
He is miserable. He makes it a priority to talk to me every day, buys me nice presents, and when he is home we do have great sex. But I know he is miserable, has no enthusiasm for life or for our marriage. Someone in his world told me about his affair, and send me chat archives from her computer, so I have read through a lot of their conversations. I know they had physical contact, I can deal with that/I'm over it. But hearing the way he spoke to her, his enthusiasm for her attention, the playful and imaginative way he interacted with her... it rips my heart out.

How do I give him that again? How do I elicit his enthusiasm for our relationship and give him joy again?

11-04-2009, 07:16 AM	#1 (permalink)
waitingwife Registered User Join Date: Nov 2009 Posts: 13	he decided to stay, and now he is miserable My husband of ten years had a short highly-emotional affair in Aug/Sept. For years, we have had money stress, he is away on business for weeks at a time, and his interest in me has been waning. I did something extremely stupid one night, but did no cheat, and it hurt him deeply. This was unfortunately at the apex of him becoming extremely close to a coworker, and he had sex with her. Revenge, hurt, inevitable... I don't know. They carried on with online chat for a few weeks, then he ended it. I fought VERY HARD to keep him, making big changes: went back to work, started saving money/cut off my spending as he asked, agreed to share bills 50/50, and hit the gym in a major way to look my absolute best for him. He decided to stay, partly because he didn't want to hurt the children, couldn't stomach the expense of divorce, and does fundamentally believe in his vows. And now the problem... He is miserable. He makes it a priority to talk to me every day, buys me nice presents, and when he is home we do have great sex. But I know he is miserable, has no enthusiasm for life or for our marriage. Someone in his world told me about his affair, and send me chat archives from her computer, so I have read through a lot of their conversations. I know they had physical contact, I can deal with that/I'm over it. But hearing the way he spoke to her, his enthusiasm for her attention, the playful and imaginative way he interacted with her... it rips my heart out. How do I give him that again? How do I elicit his enthusiasm for our relationship and give him joy again?