confused555

I certainly choose the right screen name when I started this whole ordeal. I struggle with what to do every day. I wake up in the middle of the night with my heart racing and can’t get back to sleep. The conversations I have with her are always a mixture of hope and hopelessness.

It is good that this has been drawn out over several weeks because I am able to not react to some of her statements and actions. She signed a 1 year lease and is suppose to move in Dec 1st. She told me that the manager told her she could cancel anytime before then. She seemed relieved when the apartment manager told her that. Then on the other hand she was talking about how life would be living in the apartment and how she sees her life in a year and it never includes reconciliation. She has talked how she wants us to get along well after the divorce for the kids. She said I still want to plan their birthday parties together. She said things about how everything we have has been my dream. She said it was me who wanted the house with the yard, and this and that. She said all I ever wanted was to stay married to the same man for the rest of my life.

Her sister told me that my wife told her I was confusing her. My wife told her sister that she was originally set on divorce, but now with all the changes I am making she does not know anymore. I am so afraid that if she moves out it will be over. I can’t do all the nice things I am doing now if she is not in the same house with me. I will do everything I can, but it won’t be the same. I never thought our relationship would end up like this.

My wife said I could go look at the apartment if I wanted. I told her no thank you. It was her decision and I trust her. I don’t know if I should have gone to look at it or not.

My counselor gave me a list of 25 things to decide and work on during a separation to make it more conducive to reconciliation. My wife read it, but when I asked about certain points she got defensive and said I was being controlling. Some of the things were like agreeing to reevaluate the separation every month, agreeing not to date other people, deciding how frequently you will see each other during the separation. List your goals for the separation. I asked her for her thoughts on some of these, and she said I was trying to control the separation. I don’t know what to do. It’s like she is going into this blindfolded and has not made any decisions about what she wants out of the separation. I asked her if she wanted me to contact her during the separation and at first she said I don’t know. Then she said something about no contact other than kid exchange for a month. Then later she said something about getting together at least once a week. The next day she talked like she would still come over to the house to decorate for Christmas and stuff like that. She even said stuff about me staying in the apartment with her.

The “is it loving” is really helping me to be a better person. I am also going through personal counseling and realizing how I got to be the way I am. I have major issues with my father and mother and working on them is painful. He was a controlling abusive father and husband and while I tried as hard as I could to be different than him I ended up controlling my wife in more passive ways. I started to listing to an audio program called “Light her Fire” it is really opening my eyes to what a woman needs from a man to feel loved. I am trying the principals in hopes that she will feel all the love I have for her. Do you guys have any other recommendations?