Originally Posted by Amituffenuff
I am still trying to figure out how to cope and how to save my marriage (if that is the best thing to do).
We have two childeren, 14 and 11. She says she desperately wants to work it out and it was just a tough time in our life that led to this. But it is very hard for me to deal with the lies and betrayal that took place.
Not sure how to get through this one....
I would love to hear any advice from people that have made it work and how they did it..
You can make it work especially if you both want it to work. You can even have a stronger marriage than you've ever had before this happened, because working through this can bring you closer together.
You definitely need to talk about the 'tough time in our life that led to this' that your wife speaks of. Many times there are feelings of being disconnected for some time prior to an affair. If you both are able to talk openly without getting defensive, you can work through how you both were feeling prior to this happening. Did she feel unloved, unappreciated, alone, ignored? Did she feel you put your career before her? Get to the bottom of those types of things.
I don't believe any of those things warrant an affair or the hurt and betrayal you now experience, but I do think it will help you to know where she was at, how she was feeling up until that point and what she gained by this (feeling lonely and got attention from this man, etc.) so you are the one filling that void for her going forward.
Coping with the lies and betrayal is tough. For me, understanding how my husband got to that point helped me to forgive him. He was not feeling good in our marriage and he is human and made a huge mistake. I don't know if I would have been able to get past this if he had not shown true remorse and really put in the effort to regain my trust and rebuild our marriage. Forgiveness and understanding lifts a huge weight. I know I will never forget, but I also now know that our marriage needs to be our top priority and we cannot lose sight of that over time.
I'm sorry you are going through this but glad to hear you are going to counseling and both willing to work on your marriage. My best to you both.