MEM11363

The statement that the low libido person has all the power is self full-filling victimspeak.

The person with all the power in the R is simply the person who is more powerful. There are 3 drivers that cause a low libido spouse to make the effort to meet their high drive partner in the middle - or maybe even better then in the middle.

But you also have to try to find out why they don't want to have sex with you - as simple as bad breath, not enough soap in the shower, as complex as you are emotionally crowding them. The primary drivers of behavior are:

Love
Denial of love
Guilt

If you have made the effort to be a really good partner - the love part is genuine, and your partner WANTS to make you happy because it makes them feel good to make you happy. This is by far the best driver - and the hardest to create. You must have at least some love for the other 2 to work. If they do not love you, then you denying them love and you laying guilt are not effective. If they love you a LOT - then the problem can sometimes be solved by simply getting them to understand just how unacceptable and painful the situation is for you.

Denial of love can be as simple as the statement that when the last child goes to school/turns 18 you are leaving - as blunt and immediate as the total refusal to participate in any social activities that you historically did for your spouse - or as subtle as the slow but steady emotional withdrawal from the relationship characterized by limiting conversations to schedules, the kids, and the weather. It can be the delivery of a very simple card at birthday/holidays where in the past you gave gifts.

Guilt: Once you start denying love you may get some comments about how much you are hurting your spouse. The best thing to do in those situations is to try as hard as possible to mix education and empathy.

I feel for you - I KNOW how much that hurts, the way you feel right now, that is how I feel when you reject me sexually. You keep telling them that when they are feeling sad and rejected and eventually they grasp the notion that it is truly cruel to reject your partner like that.

BUT ALL of these things have to be done in a calm, rational way. When she says - what do you mean you aren't coming to my parents house. You have to be able to say: I don't feel loved, I am not having my needs met in this marriage, and therefore no longer feel inclined to do things that I don't enjoy. When my needs are being met, and I feel loved we can return to the old way of doing things.