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Hopefully this entry helps someone out there.

I recently got married back in May of 2007. This was my second marriage after spending 8 1/2 years in a very unfulfilling marriage. I am currently going through a second divorce due to my lack of understanding, lack of patience, immaturity and selfishness.

I have 3 beautiful children all from my first marriage. Although I knew that I was not "In-Love" with my second wife, I married her anyway because she was a good person. She was faithful, honest and beautiful inside and out. We got along very well and we both were very much into church and our family. She openly admitted to me in the beginning that she was not good with children (my kids were 4, 9 & 14 when we married). I also noticed that there were some issues regarding some items from previous relationships that she found hard to let go. Even after we were married there were love letters, sexual paraphanelia, and cards from ex-lovers that were in plain view in our bedroom drawers and bags in our bedroom closet. I tried talking to her about these items and she became very defensive. She didn't get rid of the items until about 2 months later. This made me very angry because I felt like these items should have been thrown away once we got married or at the very least placed in storage if they meant so much to her. I began to harbor secret resentment towards her because of this.

Also, there was some tension between me and her then 17 year old son. His father had been incarcerated for some time and he was used to being spoiled by his mother and having his own way. Although he knew that I made his mother happy I guess he felt like I was taking her away from him. As long as I was being the "cool step-dad", you know, buying him clothes & sneakers, giving him money, talking shop about sports and trendy things...everything was fine. The moment I tried to challenge him to pull his baggy jeans up or talk to him about going to church with us, and more importantly - to speak to his mother with respect, he began resenting me. The breaking point came when I came to his mother's defense after he basically told her off about what she was cooking for dinner and how he wasn't going to eat it. In the middle of a heated exchange he ended up telling me that he hated me (right in front of his mother). His mother never came to my defense regarding that situation. She felt like we were putting her in the middle of our dispute when I actually thought that I was coming to her defense because of his outright disrespect towards her. Things were tense around the house for months after that, and although things gradually got better between us, I admit that I was still a little resentfult about the situation and how my wife handled it.

I wanted to provide some background first because I believe that the issues I mentioned above led me to make one of the biggest mistakes in my life. You might be saying to yourself that divorcing my first wife should be the biggest mistake because my 3 kids are with her, and I do understand your point. But I married my first wife when I was extremely young and remained in the marriage strictly because of the kids while knowing I wasn't remotely in love with her. It was a very volatile and verbally abusive relationship which ended upon me finding out about her infidelity. The reason my separation from my current wife hurts so much is because I really felt like God had given me a second chance at marriage. I do love my 2nd wife very much and I loved her when I married her. I just wasn't "in-love" with her. Due to the issues that were present in our marriage I became vulnerable. I ended up falling head over heels for the woman I believed to be the Love Of My Life (LOML). Unfortunately this woman was also unhappily married.

She is beautiful, articulate, spiritual, nurturing, and shares a lot of the common goals that I have. I never met someone like this before in my life where the physical appearance or sex was never the motivating factor. I began seeing her at work and ended up spending time getting to know her over the past 2 years. Everyone who knows me, recognizes that we have something special. I moved out back in September of 2008 and got my own apartment for a year. I wanted to use this time to find direction for my life and to see where this thing was headed with the LOML. Nothing changed. I filed for divorce from my 2nd wife earlier this year. I grew more and more in love with the LOML and further and further away from my 2nd wife. We have since bought a house together this past September. My kids absolutely love her (they never bonded with my 2nd wife). We both are going through the divorce process and are hoping to move forward with our lives together.

So why on earth am I writing this? How is this supposed to help someone you may ask? I'll tell you. Although I am trying to move forward with my life and the LOML, I've began to notice the signs of the mistakes that I've made. Number one, I wasn't patient with my 2nd wife. I made her feel like she had to be perfect and change overnight. She was upfront and honest with me in the beginning of our relationship about not being good with kids. I should have supported and encouraged her through that. I'm certain that she would have grown into an awesome stepmother to my kids. She was already making strides in that direction but sometimes we husbands have a tendancy to magnify the things our wives don't do instead of celebrating the positive things that they are doing. As far as the items that she kept from previous relationships, maybe it just took her time to recognize how something like that would affect her husband. After all, she had never been married before and we were only a few months into the marriage before this became an issue. The same thing goes for my step-son. I believe that by me becoming resentful towards him because of that arguement we had, I ended up sabatoging any opportunity I had to re-connect with him. I should have realized that at the end of the day..I AM THE ADULT and he was still just a teenager. I should have had more patience with him. When I moved out I thought he would really hate me, but guess what...he didn't. I began seeing another side of him. He was more compassionate and even showed concern about my well being. He invited me to his HS basketball games (he is a standout athlete who is now attending college on scholarship).

It's sad that it took all of this time to realize where things went wrong and my role in it. I am fully responsible and accountable for what I've done to her and her son. I can't believe that I've caused all of this hurt and pain all for the name of LOVE. Although I have found the LOML I also can't help but recognize that it has come with a price. There are things that I notice in my present relationship that I never had to go through in my 2nd marriage. I also saw the tremendous spiritual growth and maturity that took place in my 2nd wife after I left. Yes she went through the hurt and pain and lost 4 dress sizes, but I also saw how she bounced back. She is resilient and I know she is going to get past this. I want her to be happy...she deserves it.

I have since come to realize that the term "In-Love" is very fickle. How on earth can I say I love my wife and in the same breathe say I'm not "In-Love" with her? I understand now that being in love means hanging in there through the arguments & disagreements. It means growing together in good times & bad and accepting each others flaws. That is what makes the love stronger...not some fairy tale of holding hands walking along the shore while doves hover up above. Not to say that marriages can't have bliss, but I realize now that the bliss is only sustainable once a husband & wife have endured the storms of life together. I hope that this story will help husbands out there who feel they have legitimate reasons for stepping outside of their marriages realize what they really have at home (if they choose to look closely). Yes your wife may have issues, she may talk too much, she may nag and complain, she may not look like she did 10 years ago, but neither do you. She accepts you for your shortcomings and loves you in spite of them. She is an emotional creature by nature and that's how she expresses herself. Before you do something as stupid as I did...take a step back and look at what you really have. Look at what you have built together. Who else knows you like she does? Who else has your back the way she does even after you've made countless bad decisions? Who was there for you when you were out of work? Who makes sure that your family has hot meals every day. She is the one praying for you when you leave out the door for work. She manages the finances to make sure that the money you bring home is delegated accordingly. I only wish I would have looked a lot closer before I got myself in the mess that I'm in. I am a living witness that the grass is not always greener on the other side. Be Blessed