Talk About Marriage - View Single Post - Question for those who survived an affair

New Beginnings · 11-10-2009, 08:36 AM

I would be extremely cautious with what you perceive being truthful vs dishonest from her. I only say this because I went through what your going through now, just played out significantly different than yours. You may already know this from the counselor but she is going to go through some significant stages in her recovery process of this affair.

She will mourn for him if she truly eliminates him. This part of the process will likely hurt you more than the others because of the resentment you feel because of her feelings for someone else and you will feel intense betrayal which you are already starting to feel.

She will probably lie a lot in the beginning, though this may or may not be exactly true with her. It honestly varies from one person to the next but I would believe it is a high percentage who will lie to "protect" themselves.

She will likely hide a lot of things from you. There could be uinknown email accounts, bank accounts, cell phones (prepaid), and maybe continued contact outside of work. This will probably drive you nuts but you do need to know exactly what is going on and you need to do your homework to make sure she is following through with any reconciliation she commits to.

She will also start out non commital to reconciliation in the beginning. Some people like her will never reconcile and finally commit to divorce. Some people realize their mistakes, truly realize, but depending on your situation it may or may not be too late once her eyes do open. At some point she will need to take a step back to you and your marriage but she will have to come to the realization of her actions and what she is going to lose.

I was told to do many things by my counselor throughout the half year process that I did not do. I was told to cut off all communications with my ex. I was told to serve her papers way back in the beginning to kind of let her know the door was closing. I didn't do these things and in the end I flat out divorced her for adultery. Mine has been messy and excruciatingly painful to go through. Yours may be the same but you also have some control over how it may play out. It is something that you need to spend a lot of time with your counselor on.

11-10-2009, 08:36 AM	#8 (permalink)
New Beginnings Member Join Date: Sep 2009 Posts: 126	Re: Question for those who survived an affair I would be extremely cautious with what you perceive being truthful vs dishonest from her. I only say this because I went through what your going through now, just played out significantly different than yours. You may already know this from the counselor but she is going to go through some significant stages in her recovery process of this affair. She will mourn for him if she truly eliminates him. This part of the process will likely hurt you more than the others because of the resentment you feel because of her feelings for someone else and you will feel intense betrayal which you are already starting to feel. She will probably lie a lot in the beginning, though this may or may not be exactly true with her. It honestly varies from one person to the next but I would believe it is a high percentage who will lie to "protect" themselves. She will likely hide a lot of things from you. There could be uinknown email accounts, bank accounts, cell phones (prepaid), and maybe continued contact outside of work. This will probably drive you nuts but you do need to know exactly what is going on and you need to do your homework to make sure she is following through with any reconciliation she commits to. She will also start out non commital to reconciliation in the beginning. Some people like her will never reconcile and finally commit to divorce. Some people realize their mistakes, truly realize, but depending on your situation it may or may not be too late once her eyes do open. At some point she will need to take a step back to you and your marriage but she will have to come to the realization of her actions and what she is going to lose. I was told to do many things by my counselor throughout the half year process that I did not do. I was told to cut off all communications with my ex. I was told to serve her papers way back in the beginning to kind of let her know the door was closing. I didn't do these things and in the end I flat out divorced her for adultery. Mine has been messy and excruciatingly painful to go through. Yours may be the same but you also have some control over how it may play out. It is something that you need to spend a lot of time with your counselor on.