confused85

I will try to make this short. In 02 I met Zach (my now husband). About a month after we started dating he made the comment that I shouldnt wear thongs, that I wouldnt look good in them cause my legs/butt were not "toned" enough. This hurt and led to a large argument. He ended up comparing me to some girl he knew who did look good in them cause she was in such better shape then me. I was only 17 and was NOT overweight at all. We made up, he swore he hadnt meant the comment and had no clue why he said it and so I let it go. I was still very hurt and conufsed but didnt want to argue more as he was deploying (he is army). After that comment though he made no attempts to let me know that he DID find me attractive. He left about a month later. While he was deployed I met someone who made me feel very wanted and let me know they DID find me attrative. I cheated on my boyfriend and when he came home broke it off.

After a year we got back together. Everythign was great, he was sweet and loving. Never TOLD me he thought I looked good but he always wanted to hold me, cuddle, hold hands or be intimate. Two months in and we found out I was pregnant. All intimate contact (not just sex but holding/cuddling) stopped. He didnt greet me when he came home from work, and was always angry when I asked things of him. Sex also diminshed. After I had our daughter (that very night) he left with the military for 4mos. When I was able to live with him things were great at first. But then he left again.

When he came back again things were great for a few mos then we moved. Things went downhill. He was always "to tired" for sex, because he stayed up all hours playing video games. He never wanted to do family activities with our daughter. He was always angry with me, in front of our daughter even (at this time one yr old). I confronted him and he swore to change and his attitude did but he still was not wanting sex. The only time something happened was when I initiated. Even then half the time he "didnt have time" and yet had time for video games. He looked at other women all the time, but never me. Then he deployed for 15mos. I cheated on him agin, with the same man. But I felt terrible, stopped and was honest with my now husband about what happened. I explained it was cause I felt wanted with the other guy but never with husband. I told him how sorry i was, and did everything I could from that time on to make him feel loved and wanted.

He came home from deployment and thigns were great. We were close emotionally and physically. He was loving, not angry, cuddled with me, had sex, initiated it, took showers with me. He always wanted to spend family time together and couple time with me. But then I became pregnant (we had been trying for 4mos) and all that stopped. He no longer initiated contact excpet while I was cooking dinner, when we could not actualy do anything. But once our dauhter was in bed he made no attempts, when I did I was turned down. He could never explain why. He no longer cuddled with me, he no longer took showers with me. I was feeling unwanted, unattractive, and un loved. Any time i asked him why he didnt touch me, why he didnt have sex the response was I dont know. He never looked at me the way he looked at other real women or porn. I started feeling very down and after a few weeks with no form of intimate contact I went to him crying and only then did he have sex with me. But the next day it was the same thing. No sex, no cuddling, no showers, no kissing no nothing. For weeks. I would initiate and get no response. He would NEVER initiate. So after weeks I would go to him again crying asking why? And it was always I dont know, and only that night would he do anything.

This went on for 8mos. At which point I gave birth to our second daughter and a week later he left for deployment again. The night before he left i was crying, sad that he was leaving. This always happens and he always holds me until im ok. This time though he pushed me away. For 6mos I tried to get him to see how unwanted he had made me feel. Rehashed the same discussion that we had multiple times while he was home. His response was well I cant fix it from over here. NO but you could have while you were home. And there ARE thigns you can do. You can compliment me (as I do him all the time) you can send me a letter/email you can tell me you want me, tell me you miss me, that you think of me. He draws really good flowers and one time during his first deployment he sent me one and it meant so much. I told him about that, and siad you can do that for me from over there. He did and i told him how much I loved it. But that was all he did, nothing else. He is always asking for pics of our children and me and I send them and video. But he never sends any (he has a digital cam and a video cam over there). I have asked him to send pictures over and over but nothing.

Ive noticed any time he comes home for R&R he does not love on me like you see couples doing all the time when the guys come home. I told him this hurt and that it would mean a lot to me if he would actually hold me. I am glad hes happy to see our kids and wants to hug them but i missed him to. I see all these other spouses not able to stop holding/kissing but im lucky to get a short peck. I am left walking BEHIND him out of the airport tyring my hardest to get him to just TALK to me. And the worst part is people in the airport can tell, they look at me wtih these sad looks. Its horrible. I told him all this right before R&R this time, and yet this time he did the same thing again. After 6mos of him being over there and me trying to get him to work on things (and 8mos before that while he was home) I finally told him that I was thinking about divorce. And yes I know its not one sided, I know im not perfect. I have made mistakes and tried my hardest to make up for them. To let him know I regret my actions and that i want him and love him. I have asked him if theres something I can do, something he wants me to change, he always says that no im perfect how i am. Theres nothing hed like to see different. So yes I to am trying to see if theres something that needs worked on from my end but hes telling me theres nohting he wants changed. When i told him I was thinking of divorce, he of course swore to change. Said he did love me did want me and of course had no idea why he never bothered to tell me these things. Again he said he couldnt fix it from over there. Again I gave him the list of things he COULD do from there and again asked what I needed to change. He told me nothing, that I was fine. That I gave him all he wanted. And yet for 3 more months he did NOTHING of what I asked. At this point I was crying every day, I was so tired of not feeling wanted, tired of him not even trying.

I made many mistakes yes, but I at least admitted them and tried to make up for them. Tried to show him how sorry I was. But he never tried to change the things that hurt me. Then I found out (from him) that since our relationship started he has been looking at porn every other day and getting off to it. I have no issue with porn but when you are looking at it ALONE and we are NOT having sex or any form of intimate contact that is an issue. After a few weeks I told him that I had been looking into jobs and apts, and started talking to him about child custody, visitation, and how we would seperate our things. Only at this point did he start changing. Only once he saw me actively contemplating divorce did he even start to do the things id asked of him. Though when asked, he still says that he "doesnt know" why he never touched me or had sex or watned to spend time together, or wanted to LOOK at me as he did other women or why he never TOLD me what he appreciated about me. Thats all I asked and he cant explain why he never did it, and why he is JUST now doing it now that I have actively started looking at a life on my own.

I have tried my hardest over the past almost 2yrs to pull our marriage together. To save it. But now its to the point where im not sure I can anymore. I dont have it in me. He is just now trying to work on things, after TWO years, and now the more he tries the angrier it makes me. All I can think is why now? Why after all this time, after me fighting for our marriage ALONE, after me crying and begging you to help me help us why NOW. I love him so much, I have a hard time seeing a life without him as MINE. I dont want to see him with someone else. I dont want our family apart. But im tired of wondering if he really wants me around or if im just a friend who gave him the kids he wanted. He will be home soon, but im dreading it. Normally I love when he comes home, am excited. But this time I dont even want to see him. I have days where I think theres no way I can walk away, I love him to much. Despite all thats gone on he is a very good friend and we do have good memories. We get along really well. But he was never willing to give me what i NEEDED from him. Theres days when I think how can I leave? How can I walk away from him? I love him, he supposedly loves me. We get along. We are stable (financially), have a home, kids and a life. We have so many good memories. But then there are days where I think if he loves me why did he look at porn and other women but not me? Why did he never initiate ANY form of intimate contact and turn me down over half the times when I did? Why did he never even TRY to make me feel wanted/attractive to him? How can I stay with someone who knows they are making me cry every day and yet does nothign to help things? Part of me says well hes trying to change now, thats great! Part of me says yeah but how do you know he means it? What if it all falls apart again? What if hes only saying these thigns to keep you around but not cause he really means them? Im so confused. I want to stay because I love him and I do have good memories and we have a life and we get along. But I want to leave cause I want to find someone who does make me feel attractive, who does want me for more then a friend wtih breeding purposes. Someone who lets me know im WANTED. Im so lost. He comes home in less then a month and I dont know what to do. So many people tell me that I need to stay and fight for my marriage, but im so tired of fighting, ive been doing it alone for the past two years and now that hes finally willing to (only cause i showed i was serious) now im supposed to say ok forgive and forget all the hurt? I just dont think I can do that. Even if I stay im afraid I will always be angry/bitter about how much went on. And thats not fair to anyone, him, me and especially not our daughters. Please any advice/opinons would help.