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squirsh2000 · 11-12-2009, 10:30 AM

Hello all...

Let me know what you guys think about my current situation. In September, I had a feeling that things were not right between my wife and I, and had suspected that she may have been in the beginning stages of an affair. I had confronted her about it since I uncovered a long phone call with a man that we knew, but she said I was paraniod, controlling, and wanted a seperation, she said she couldnt live this way anymore. (She had had a one night stand 7 years ago that made me feel a bit paranoid over the years.) Of course, I took the blame, and felt terrible, thinking that I was the cause of the seperation, and was devastated about it.

Later that week, I had uncovered some flirty emails between the two of them, which indeed confirmed my suspicions. She told me that it was strictly platonic, but I still had a problem with it. And, on top of that, for a month after all of this happened, she would blatantly leave and go to her "friends" house, with no regard whatsoever towards my feelings. She would stay overnight there. It was very painful, although she claims that it was not physical at all.

She wanted to get a divorce, and we filed papers shortly after. She wanted nothing from me. No maintenance, no child support (we have 3 kids) since she said she was the one who wants the divorce. I make over $100K per year, and she works part time and makes $15K. She says she can make it financially with her one bedroom apartment and having no bills to pay. (I agreed to pay her car off, and to pay her car insurance for a year). I even paid for her apartment to give her what she wanted, her independence. Also, during this time, she continued to want to be intimate with me, which we have been, for that is a part of our relationship that was always very strong and satisfying.

We have been going to counseling, both individually and seprate, and she is adamant that she no longer wants the marriage to continue, however she wants to work on the issues between us so we can be "friends" and co parent the kids. The confusing part for me is this. She is still at the house often. We are remodeling things at the house and she has much input in regards to the decisions we are making. (Tile color, paint color, styles of decor, etc.) She has also been making little comments about the future, like "I cant wait until our bathroom is done, its going to look so nice." And "I bought a futon couch, which is good because we can always use a futon." She also has been staying overnight every Saturday, been spending almost all of Sunday with me and the kids, and comes over after work to help with the kids, make dinner, etc. It seems like she has the best of both worlds. And her vibe is that she just wants her independence for a while, and that she will eventually come back. I asked her last night if this was the case, and she said no. She does not think her feelings for me with change, she only wants to be friends.

Peple are tellng me to completely cut her off. Be cordial, but cut her off from the house and its creature comforts. Limit my contact with her. She wanted out, then give her what she wants. She can see the kids whenever she desires (she is a good mother) but she will have to pick them up and take them to her apartment. She cannot continue to act like the house we lived in together is still hers, she cant come and go as she pleases. I know a few paragraphs cannot give the whole spectrum of things, but my question is for anyone who may have been in a similar situation. If I let her go, would it completely ruin any attempt at a reconciliation, or would it possibly show her what she is missing, which would make her come back. Or, am I being completely simplistic and blind? Thoughts?

11-12-2009, 10:30 AM	#1 (permalink)
squirsh2000 Member Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Western New York Posts: 114	My situation... Hello all... Let me know what you guys think about my current situation. In September, I had a feeling that things were not right between my wife and I, and had suspected that she may have been in the beginning stages of an affair. I had confronted her about it since I uncovered a long phone call with a man that we knew, but she said I was paraniod, controlling, and wanted a seperation, she said she couldnt live this way anymore. (She had had a one night stand 7 years ago that made me feel a bit paranoid over the years.) Of course, I took the blame, and felt terrible, thinking that I was the cause of the seperation, and was devastated about it. Later that week, I had uncovered some flirty emails between the two of them, which indeed confirmed my suspicions. She told me that it was strictly platonic, but I still had a problem with it. And, on top of that, for a month after all of this happened, she would blatantly leave and go to her "friends" house, with no regard whatsoever towards my feelings. She would stay overnight there. It was very painful, although she claims that it was not physical at all. She wanted to get a divorce, and we filed papers shortly after. She wanted nothing from me. No maintenance, no child support (we have 3 kids) since she said she was the one who wants the divorce. I make over $100K per year, and she works part time and makes $15K. She says she can make it financially with her one bedroom apartment and having no bills to pay. (I agreed to pay her car off, and to pay her car insurance for a year). I even paid for her apartment to give her what she wanted, her independence. Also, during this time, she continued to want to be intimate with me, which we have been, for that is a part of our relationship that was always very strong and satisfying. We have been going to counseling, both individually and seprate, and she is adamant that she no longer wants the marriage to continue, however she wants to work on the issues between us so we can be "friends" and co parent the kids. The confusing part for me is this. She is still at the house often. We are remodeling things at the house and she has much input in regards to the decisions we are making. (Tile color, paint color, styles of decor, etc.) She has also been making little comments about the future, like "I cant wait until our bathroom is done, its going to look so nice." And "I bought a futon couch, which is good because we can always use a futon." She also has been staying overnight every Saturday, been spending almost all of Sunday with me and the kids, and comes over after work to help with the kids, make dinner, etc. It seems like she has the best of both worlds. And her vibe is that she just wants her independence for a while, and that she will eventually come back. I asked her last night if this was the case, and she said no. She does not think her feelings for me with change, she only wants to be friends. Peple are tellng me to completely cut her off. Be cordial, but cut her off from the house and its creature comforts. Limit my contact with her. She wanted out, then give her what she wants. She can see the kids whenever she desires (she is a good mother) but she will have to pick them up and take them to her apartment. She cannot continue to act like the house we lived in together is still hers, she cant come and go as she pleases. I know a few paragraphs cannot give the whole spectrum of things, but my question is for anyone who may have been in a similar situation. If I let her go, would it completely ruin any attempt at a reconciliation, or would it possibly show her what she is missing, which would make her come back. Or, am I being completely simplistic and blind? Thoughts?