Join Date: Nov 2009
| | Need Experienced Advice Regarding Affair
I'm semi-happily married, on a 1 to 10, about a 7. Based on all the other married couples I know, we are about average. Been married for 11 years. We have a great family life and good relationship. However there has always been something missing in the bedroom. I'm much more creatively erotic than my wife. I/We have bought toys, books, videos, games, etc. Naturally the *spark* has diminished a bit over time but we still probably have sex more often than a lot of married couples.
The problem is, for years, day after day, week after week, I've always felt something was missing, a longing for *more*. I've communicated to my wife very clearly and multiple times about roleplaying fantasies, fetishes, etc. She has very infrequently made a so-so effort. It's like Valentines, Anniversary, and my Birthday are the only times I can count on some decent creativity and effort. That's not enough for my libido and we both know it. We just think differently that way. She's more easily satisfied with more conservative/traditional/vanilla sex, I'm not. We're not THAT far apart but we are far apart enough that it is frequently on my mind.
I feel like I've put forth good effort to communicate my needs but she just doesn't have the "skills" and/or shared enthusiasm to pull it off.
I have to admit I've searched elsewhere for better fulfillment in the area? Phone/WebCam Sex - boring/unfulfilling and completely impersonal, yuk. Strip Clubs - I've found a place to get lap dances where the gal will make me have an orgasm and it does (sadly) rival the typical eroticism I experience in my bedroom usually, but it is brief, limited, and costly. I also done a couple sessions with a Professional Mistress/Dominatrix. That was a blast. No intercourse involved of course, but that was probably the only time I was really feeling satisfied. But way too costly to do it with any degree of frequency.
So you are probably guessing where I'm headed and probably most of the married women on here want to slap me. I don't want an affair per se. That is, I'm not seeking a close/deep connection friendship with someone else. I just want to see what it feel likes to "play" with someone that has the same interests/appetite and level of erotic creativity as myself. Sex is only a part of the relationship and it is fine in mine, BUT, I never got the chance to fully explore my interests before getting married, and my wife is just not, well, kinky enough. I have to stress it I am 101% sure this is not a big enough problem to end my marriage on, not even close. But life is short.
So here's the problem. Although my wife knows that she's falling a little short of my "bar" she would not condone me experimenting with someone else even if it was safe, consensual, and purely erotic/sexual. She much more conservative and less open minded than me. I would be fine letting her explore if she were in my shoes as long as it didn't diminish significantly the quality and frequency of our own sexual relationship. The problem is most women I believe (not all) need an emotional connection which would then risk it turning into a full affair. I think men are better programmed to keep it to just sex. So, I would have to be discrete. But she also freaked out one time when I told her I called a phone sex line! So in a sense, I've already broken her trust with the phone sex, strip clubs, and Dominatrix. I do at some times feel guilty walking out of the strip club, but then it passes because I feel like it is therapy for me, just like someone might get physical therapy, or counseling. It's a release for me that my wife can't provide.
So to get to the point of this novel I'm writing. I'm on the edge of going ahead and meeting a woman who is in pretty much the exact same situation as me for a few brief, infrequent encounters just to see what it would feel like to for once have my needs met, and frankly, take joy in doing the same for someone else. Neither is interested in a frequent, emotionally initimate, long-term relationship. It's sort of like going on a trip with someone.
The unknown that has me pausing a little, is not knowing for sure how I'm going to feel if I go through with it. I know a lot of people here would probably say by even asking that question in the first place is a bad sign. I think not necessarily so. It just shows I'm not completely devoid of morals and care about other people.
So, I'm really curious if there is anyone else out there that was in a very similar situation that did go through with it, how did it turn out for you and do you have any specific advice. Oh and as a side note, I recently caught her discussing some fantasy she had about an old boyfriend with her girlfriends. To be honest, that probably had something to do with me more seriously consider taking some action.
Please, if you haven't had actual experience in this type of situation, please don't just reply to pass judgement on me.
Thanks in advance.