Originally Posted by wend

My wife is a serial cheater. She's cheated on me several times, and our marriage is wrecked. D-Day has come and gone (several times), so there's plenty out in the open.

Yesterday, in the course of conversation she gets very emotional and starts talking about how she feels judged all the time, even using the phrase "everything I do is wrong."

I had just gotten back from a trip, and upon returning noticed two sets of high heels that had been left out. She doesn't go out very often at all, so I immediately became suspicious and simply asked her about it. I asked if she had gone out, mentioning that I had noticed the heels. Later it became apparent that my question seemed to be the source of her feeling of being judged.

I wasn't entirely sure how to respond. I kept my cool, and tried to listen, though I certainly wasn't a very active listener.

Truth is, I was appalled, and I felt like this was an attempt at manipulation, basically spinning the situation to make her the victim. All I could think is how being judged does indeed suck, but that's nothing next to betrayal, lies, and an almost daily dose of triggers.

Any thoughts? Am I missing the boat on this one? How could/should I have responded?