Talk About Marriage - View Single Post

Commited1 · 11-13-2009, 01:19 AM

We have been married (common law) for 8 years, have been together on and off for 11 years. In the past 8 years we've had 4 awesome kids, the oldest is 6 the youngest 8 months.

I work, she stays at home. My salary is not enough to live any kind of a high-life, but it is enough to pay all the bills, insurance, keep a vehicle running, pay the mortgage etc. Neither of us use drugs, neither of us have cheated. I spend ALL of my free-time at home with her and the kids.

The problem: She is always in one of three states as concerns me and they are never consistent and do not follow any kind of pattern:
1. Utter hatred: She refuses to talk period. I tell her I need to have a talk and would be happy to talk any time that is good for her and she says, "no", if I just start talking she either blatantly ignores me or tells me in a very irritated tone that she is busy. In this state she refuses to do anything with me at all, even just sit and watch tv. No affection, in fact there is a marked physical repulsion, like if we have to squeeze through the same tight area while in passing she will either stand on the other side and wait for me to pass through, or she will go out of her way to avoid even brushing against me as we pass. If I do something like put my hand on her shoulder she pulls away and gives me a dirty look.
2. Medium hatred: She will impose a time to talk and she does all the talking. If I talk she rolls her eyes and doesn't respond to anything I've said. She complains allot in this state and is very vocal about how unhappy she is and how terrible everything is. She will do nothing with me other than talk AT me. These 'conversations' are always about something 'nescessary', like the kids, or the bills or one of our pets. Again, no physical affection. If I put my hand on her arm or shoulder she does not pull away but she gives me a kind of hard look and I can feel her muscles tense and recoil at my touch.
3. Mild Hatred: She will talk and will listen a little bit so we have something like a conversation. But it is totally one sided and I better agree with anything she has to say. In this state she will occasionally call me 'hun' and even display some mild affection like putting her hand on my shoulder for a brief second or actually making physical contact when she has to squeeze through some tight spot we are both trying to get through at the same time. In this phase she is willing to go so far as play a card game or watch a tv show with me. Our 'talk' during the show or card game is 'small talk'.

She has been in one of these three phases for the past two weeks. I have done everything I can think of to try and make it better. Talking (obviously that doesn't work) getting up super early and getting the kids up, making her and everyone breakfast, letting her sleep in. This often works to attain at least only medium hatred. But it isn't consistent. I have been cleaning the house...pretty much doing everything for her other than watching the kids while I am at work. Because I do have to work late sometimes (my shift 3pm to 11pm, when I work late it often goes till 3am in the morning), sometimes I sleep in. I have to. If I don't get home from work until 4am how can I possibly get up at 8am?

Before all of this she was always inconsistent in her moods and affections but the hatred phases usually only lasted a day or two at the most. Otherwise she used to be very affectionate, talkative, always wanting to do something with me.

We DID have a bad week leading up to a massive fight in which I threatened to leave and she stood there crying. But later that same day we talked it out, I apologized for saying something so stupid, that I would NEVER leave her no matter what etc. She seemed fine and she also apologized for the things she said during that fight (things that were just as bad as what I said). So I thought everything was 'ok'. Just a rough patch we would work through. But the day after we made up, she went into this tail-spin where she is in one of those three modes of hatred ALL THE TIME.

I don't get it. It is like she has committed to giving up on everything while I have committed to making it work. She is on the computer 24/7 either playing video games (mostly) or doing her school work (she is working on a degree online).

Even more background- I know there are some things that make her miserable: The kids are ALLOT to deal with, an infant and three toddlers. Her grandmother is living with us and this elderly lady is incredibly demanding, complaining, and very very very filthy. Filthy to the point where she regularly soils her bed with feces, her bathroom with feces and then yells for my wife to come clean it all up- which she does faithfully. I understand that makes her miserable but she fails to understand that I did not have to agree to let the grandmother move in. We just moved into this house four months ago and the 'move granny in' question was asked shortly before that. I could have (should have!) just been the jerk and said "no".

That is something else- my wife makes important decisions and I go with them out of respect for her as an equal and as someone who's judgment I can trust. Then the decision turns out to be really bad and I end up paying the price for it.

This has happened often before; once she asked if one of her old friends could live with us for a few days to get back on her feet. It was supposed to last a week and the lady was supposed to help my wife with everything. The lady helped her with nothing at all, did not clean up after herself, did nothing. I took it on myself to get the lady signed in at a temp agency that pays by the day and ALWAYS has work, drove the lady around to about 3 dozen places filling out applications etc. I did everything I could. Finally my wife begged me to kick her friend out because my wife didn't have the heart to. So I did! I left her at a motel a few miles away with $250.00 and told her we did everything we could for her, now it is up to her to get herself together. There are other examples, but this post is already to long. The grandmother moving in is just one example of where I should have made a decision for the family and instead treated my wife as an equal and trusted her decision making ability. Bad idea!

The job I work has weird hours, but it also allows me to call home as much and for as long as I want, and even to GO HOME and spend an hour or two at home with the family. So it is not like I am just gone all day and most the night. I am in regular phone contact and even stop at the house at least once for an hour or more every day.

What am I supposed to do. I love my wife and am absolutely committed and determined to make this work. But she doesn't seem to care about me or anything. The kids are picking up on this and it is starting to affect them. She has only been like this for two weeks but I HAVE TO MAKE IT STOP, and I have no idea how.

Ok, sorry for the length of the post but I had to get that out. If anyone has any advice on what I can do please do respond!

edit/ps: I am starting to think I just need to be jerk and pick fights with her until she gets it all out of her system. I have been nothing but SWEET to her the past two weeks-felt like garbage after that last fight and adjusted my attitude to my conscience, and as a result have been feeling great about myself while watching her almost literally wither. Maybe I need to start an argument, be a jerk, make some mistakes...who knows I am running out of ideas.

11-13-2009, 01:19 AM	#1 (permalink)
Commited1 Member Join Date: Nov 2009 Posts: 98	My god, help..... We have been married (common law) for 8 years, have been together on and off for 11 years. In the past 8 years we've had 4 awesome kids, the oldest is 6 the youngest 8 months. I work, she stays at home. My salary is not enough to live any kind of a high-life, but it is enough to pay all the bills, insurance, keep a vehicle running, pay the mortgage etc. Neither of us use drugs, neither of us have cheated. I spend ALL of my free-time at home with her and the kids. The problem: She is always in one of three states as concerns me and they are never consistent and do not follow any kind of pattern: 1. Utter hatred: She refuses to talk period. I tell her I need to have a talk and would be happy to talk any time that is good for her and she says, "no", if I just start talking she either blatantly ignores me or tells me in a very irritated tone that she is busy. In this state she refuses to do anything with me at all, even just sit and watch tv. No affection, in fact there is a marked physical repulsion, like if we have to squeeze through the same tight area while in passing she will either stand on the other side and wait for me to pass through, or she will go out of her way to avoid even brushing against me as we pass. If I do something like put my hand on her shoulder she pulls away and gives me a dirty look. 2. Medium hatred: She will impose a time to talk and she does all the talking. If I talk she rolls her eyes and doesn't respond to anything I've said. She complains allot in this state and is very vocal about how unhappy she is and how terrible everything is. She will do nothing with me other than talk AT me. These 'conversations' are always about something 'nescessary', like the kids, or the bills or one of our pets. Again, no physical affection. If I put my hand on her arm or shoulder she does not pull away but she gives me a kind of hard look and I can feel her muscles tense and recoil at my touch. 3. Mild Hatred: She will talk and will listen a little bit so we have something like a conversation. But it is totally one sided and I better agree with anything she has to say. In this state she will occasionally call me 'hun' and even display some mild affection like putting her hand on my shoulder for a brief second or actually making physical contact when she has to squeeze through some tight spot we are both trying to get through at the same time. In this phase she is willing to go so far as play a card game or watch a tv show with me. Our 'talk' during the show or card game is 'small talk'. She has been in one of these three phases for the past two weeks. I have done everything I can think of to try and make it better. Talking (obviously that doesn't work) getting up super early and getting the kids up, making her and everyone breakfast, letting her sleep in. This often works to attain at least only medium hatred. But it isn't consistent. I have been cleaning the house...pretty much doing everything for her other than watching the kids while I am at work. Because I do have to work late sometimes (my shift 3pm to 11pm, when I work late it often goes till 3am in the morning), sometimes I sleep in. I have to. If I don't get home from work until 4am how can I possibly get up at 8am? Before all of this she was always inconsistent in her moods and affections but the hatred phases usually only lasted a day or two at the most. Otherwise she used to be very affectionate, talkative, always wanting to do something with me. We DID have a bad week leading up to a massive fight in which I threatened to leave and she stood there crying. But later that same day we talked it out, I apologized for saying something so stupid, that I would NEVER leave her no matter what etc. She seemed fine and she also apologized for the things she said during that fight (things that were just as bad as what I said). So I thought everything was 'ok'. Just a rough patch we would work through. But the day after we made up, she went into this tail-spin where she is in one of those three modes of hatred ALL THE TIME. I don't get it. It is like she has committed to giving up on everything while I have committed to making it work. She is on the computer 24/7 either playing video games (mostly) or doing her school work (she is working on a degree online). Even more background- I know there are some things that make her miserable: The kids are ALLOT to deal with, an infant and three toddlers. Her grandmother is living with us and this elderly lady is incredibly demanding, complaining, and very very very filthy. Filthy to the point where she regularly soils her bed with feces, her bathroom with feces and then yells for my wife to come clean it all up- which she does faithfully. I understand that makes her miserable but she fails to understand that I did not have to agree to let the grandmother move in. We just moved into this house four months ago and the 'move granny in' question was asked shortly before that. I could have (should have!) just been the jerk and said "no". That is something else- my wife makes important decisions and I go with them out of respect for her as an equal and as someone who's judgment I can trust. Then the decision turns out to be really bad and I end up paying the price for it. This has happened often before; once she asked if one of her old friends could live with us for a few days to get back on her feet. It was supposed to last a week and the lady was supposed to help my wife with everything. The lady helped her with nothing at all, did not clean up after herself, did nothing. I took it on myself to get the lady signed in at a temp agency that pays by the day and ALWAYS has work, drove the lady around to about 3 dozen places filling out applications etc. I did everything I could. Finally my wife begged me to kick her friend out because my wife didn't have the heart to. So I did! I left her at a motel a few miles away with $250.00 and told her we did everything we could for her, now it is up to her to get herself together. There are other examples, but this post is already to long. The grandmother moving in is just one example of where I should have made a decision for the family and instead treated my wife as an equal and trusted her decision making ability. Bad idea! The job I work has weird hours, but it also allows me to call home as much and for as long as I want, and even to GO HOME and spend an hour or two at home with the family. So it is not like I am just gone all day and most the night. I am in regular phone contact and even stop at the house at least once for an hour or more every day. What am I supposed to do. I love my wife and am absolutely committed and determined to make this work. But she doesn't seem to care about me or anything. The kids are picking up on this and it is starting to affect them. She has only been like this for two weeks but I HAVE TO MAKE IT STOP, and I have no idea how. Ok, sorry for the length of the post but I had to get that out. If anyone has any advice on what I can do please do respond! edit/ps: I am starting to think I just need to be jerk and pick fights with her until she gets it all out of her system. I have been nothing but SWEET to her the past two weeks-felt like garbage after that last fight and adjusted my attitude to my conscience, and as a result have been feeling great about myself while watching her almost literally wither. Maybe I need to start an argument, be a jerk, make some mistakes...who knows I am running out of ideas. Last edited by Commited1; 11-13-2009 at 01:28 AM.