| | Tired, Scared, Confused & Depressed!!!
I'm new to this forum, but I decided to register because I don't really have anyone that I can talk to about my feelings. I have been married now for 9 years. We have one child together and I have a son from my younger years. Since we have been married our life has been a roller-coaster. The first year of marriage was the only one that I can ever remember being actually happy with my husband.
Just a little background the first year was pretty good although I learned somethingís about him that if I knew going in I may not have made it to the isle. He can be lazy, has no passion to speak of. Ambition is not in his vocabulary and he has no goals or dreams. I believe at one point he did have these attributes but they have long left his heart and mind. As a young married couple we were pregnant within the first year of marriage and he was hardly there. We both work fulltime jobs but I was still expected to do everything. When he had time off he would spend it in front of the TV and not with us, his family. There were just a lot of little things that started to snowball into bigger things.
I have tried to leave a few times but I always feel guilty for hurting him by wanting to leave or I get scared that leaving would hurt my children. I have always been the one to sacrifice everything, my time, goals, and happiness for others (not to include my kids Iíd gladly sacrifice for them). I am just confused because although we have been through ALOT together, and I love him dearly there is no connection for me. I can pretend and put on a happy face because I don't want to hurt anyone. I fell out of love with my husband years ago as I have heard other women say on this forum.
I'm just wondering where do I go from here?? During our last round of separation I really thought that I was done and I just knew I wasn't going to travel back down that road again but here I am, back in the same cycle! At first I thought my husband was making me miserable with his lack of help and his being more of a taker than a giver, which was making me unhappy. When I found out that I have been clinically depressed for years I figured that, that's what was making me unhappy and not my husband. This made me want to go to counseling and see if we could be saved, and I thought we were okay, but those old feelings of not wanting to be around him, not wanting him to touch me are starting to rear their ugly heads!!
I don't know what to do, I'm lonely and sad. I no longer remember what love actually feels like because I can honestly say it's been years. I'm 33 still young, but I just don't know if I should stay in a lifeless, un-passionate and unfulfilling marriage because it's best for everyone but me or should I call it quits!! He is completely happy to stay together no matter what!! I have actually thought about giving him a reason to leave me, because he wonít on his own. I just want to be happy thatís all. What's a woman to do!!