MT,
I guess it is a carrot and stick thing - mostly carrot for us. I also try to make sure this isn't turning into a chore for her.
I almost never ever use any stick like behavior anymore. But I did early in the marriage. As for guilt - the best thing about having someone really love you and really understand you, is that when they do something that hurts you, it truly does hurt them as well. So my wife feels bad if she jerks me around sexually - which is why that event is so very rare.
Once in a while - middle of the day I will ask her if she finds my needs tiresome. And it is a sincere question and she responds to it accordingly. She says not. I do think she has realized that when both partners are truly in love - 20 years into a marriage - it is an uncommon situation. And I think she gets that having a great physical connection is an integral part of that feeling.
Quote:
Originally Posted by MarkTwain
It's all about what we used to call in England "stick and carrot". It's a balance between getting the behaviour you want by being loving, versus being firm. There is a place for both behaviours.
A husband who is firm and commanding all the time is not a turn on. He is hard work!
A husband who tries to be permanently nicey-nice, who always puts his wife first, and never takes anything for himself, comes over as low-adrenalin boring. You have to mix it up.
Temper love with grit  |