hitrockbottom

meh..I spoke w/her about the letter the other morning...She said she read it but really had nothing to say about it. She said to her it was like the other letters(she didn't think it was sincere, and that I was writing it trying to fix things)

So we talked about it. I said I was writing it to fix things, but that it was as sincere as it gets. I told her I didn't expect the letter to make things get better, but for her to have an insight to what I was thinking and how I was feeling.

The first conversation went bad, really deep and painful...she said that she didn't feel lonely w/o me anymore...where as I said that I did. But it was still a talk. And she held my hands looked me in the eye for a second...then gave me the longest hug...Don't know.

Second Conversation still deep and painful but more was put out on the table. I thought about the morning conversation and her saying she wasn't lonely. I realized why, asked her she agreed. Then we spoke about our Views on Divorce, another hard conversation. We both came to the agreement that Divorce wasn't in the picture right now, but that she still wanted space, not good but not bad either...I hate this road and these talks...aaaah.

Then we talked about our friendship and how we could rebuild it or why it hadn't started to be rebuilt. I told her she doesn't treat me as a friend, I pointed out how she acted toward my friends that came into town to visit and then how she acted toward me...good, friendly, flirtatious(all of which is the women I feel in love with) toward my friends(these are my life long friends)...and then toward me she was friendly but stand-off and sorta closed off. She spoke briefly, and acted like she had her defenses up.

She said she doesn't want me to think things are normal. I said I don't..here is what I think:
You love me
Your still hurt and Mad at me
You don't want to get hurt again
Your burying yourself in your friends and family so you don't have to think about our issues.
You still don't have trust in me...Its only been a month.

She agreed to that. I said our relationship isn't going to heal if you keep treating me like this. I referenced the letter tons. She agreed to work on being friendlier toward me and to let her shields down a little.

Then I brought up the REALLY UNCOMFORTABLE conversation....Sex Life.
I told her that I was Very Attractive to her still and that it is hard for me to suppress my Sexual Drive toward her. I said that I haven't touched her in over a month in a half. I asked her how she did it. How she was able to suppress her sexual Desires because I know they are still there.

She tried to leave, and ignore the conversation. I spoke up, I said that this isn't going to help walking away. We are both adults lets act mature about this.

She talked about it she was uncomfortable but talked about it. Said that she had to be emotionally satisfied before she was sexually, as I knew. But since that was one of our topics that was never spoken of then it was good to get it out in the open.
We had about 30 minutes of private conversation about that topic alone...it was good for us. I reassured her that she is the only women/person that I want to be involved with and that I am/will continue waiting for her...I also reminded her that if I overstep my boundaries then she needs to let me know

We also spoke about how I felt toward her friends, and how I still needed to apologize to some of them. I asked if she had a problem w/me calling them up w/o going through her...she seemed surprised and said that she didn't but also said that she wasn't going to get involved with that..Which was good to me seemed as though she is able to separate her friends feelings about me from what she thinks....

All in all...I think it was a productive talk. More was put out and I felt like a little tension between us was lifted.


Oh Yeah I got a Lunch date with her...hehe I felt like a Kid asking her out on a date... She said Ok and we set a time.....