Quote:
Originally Posted by Amplexor
Lost and Alone
I walked your path a year ago so I know your feelings very well. In my case my wife thought of him as only a friend to gather advice from. She got from him what she wasn’t getting from me. While her contact with him was not as frequent as yours it further pulled her away from me. Since I had no reason to suspect otherwise I let the contact go on but with boundaries she agree to. Not until seven months later when he ended all contact with her did she realize her true feelings for him. She was hurt and frightened that it was over and she saw just how far from me she was. If I had demanded she end it when I found out I don’t know where we would be right now. Maybe better maybe worse, but I know until we faced her feelings for him and ended contact we were not working on the problem as a whole. Most will advise you to have her end it to concentrate on your marriage. You will need to make that decision as you know the situation best but in the end she will need to do it for the sake of the marriage. When is the right time to do that is up to you. In the mean time work on yourself to be better at whatever she is missing so she will begin to turn to you for emotional support. You need to work yourself back as her emotional center. Be prepared this will take time. It has been over a year for us but we continue to try. Good luck.
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Amplexor,
You mention that she was getting from her affair partner what she wasn't getting from you. Had she talked to you along the way and told you that she wasn't getting everything she needed from you? My wife did tell me and I did try to change but I didn't do enough in her eyes which is part of what got us here. I can't help but beat myself up thinking I could have done more to avoid this problem although I know every marriage has things for both sides to work on. There are plenty of things that I could have asked my wife to change but didn't because I don't expect her to be perfect and love her just as she is. I wish to God that she had suggested counseling a year ago instead of trying to fix it herself. Now she is so "broken" and disappointed that it seems like she's given up on me. I try to tell her that sometimes people need a kick in the butt to get them to change and that this could be the best thing that could have happened, but the depression just has her too negative to think that way.