Chopblock

[[and may be just a difference in personalities...]]

I'm the type who will do something myself, while she tends to ask me to do things that I perceive as being insignificant or lazy. I may be taking this TOO personally, but sometimes it also seems she believes that if she asks me to do something, she is therefore absolved of the responsibility of remembering, and if it doesn't get done, its my fault.

I like the canned response idea, thank you. I had already started trying to avoid statements that paint me as a victim (ie: I already have 10 other things to do, do it yourself) in favor of something simpler like "no". Most of the times I INSTANTLY say "hold on" because I will not become the butler in my own home.

Its not that her reaction is blown out of proportion (as a tantrum would be) its more that feeling I fear of her being disappointed and thinking that I'm not a man and she has to handle everything (which quite frankly is as inaccurate as saying the sky is red ). When it all comes down to it, she really does have it easy cuz I've been stupid and spoiled her by taking care of stuff. All it got me was an ingrate who is going to argue at every cutback I want to make (side lesson: NEVER set the bar too high or you'll keep having to raise it).

And yes, I'd rather not be a manipulator, but I'm really wondering about this whole "reverse course" thing. Ie: a classic relationship mistake is to try and do more for your partner in the hopes that it will rekindle reciprocity. Unfortunately in many cases, all it serves to do is guarantee that the giver gives more -- it essentially rewards bad behavior by saying "I'm not happy with your contribution, so I'm going to do more". If I've learned nothing else, I've learned this.

So first, I just want to understand whether there are specific things that make a woman realize that the man really IS doing a good job. I do realize this will differ from woman to woman (ie: in some of your homes, if he washes a dish without being asked, he gets a parade). I really really do feel like I do too much, so every time I disappoint her, I feel mad at myself for failing but also mad at her.

Its probably a moot point at this point, and one of those things we just have to live with about each other. I will try a different canned response, one that conveys the care but enforces the point.

Thank you.