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Married to Maybe the Most Functional Alcoholic Ever, and Ready to Walk

37K views 161 replies 30 participants last post by  jimrich 
#1 ·
Okay, I've now browsed quite a bit of this forum, somewhat learned the lay of the land and feel like this is where I probably fit in best, so I'll do another introduction.

I've been married for nearly 25 years to a very high functioning alcoholic - he's been at the same job for longer than we've been married and his well respected there. He's never been arrested, wrecked a car, has no financial problems or any of the other usual pitfalls that typically befall an alcoholic. It's just that if he's not at work or asleep, he has a drink in his hand and WILL go to bed drunk, day or night. He even brings his beer into the shower!

I've threatened to leave many times in the past, and he's been to rehab twice, both failed, obviously. I've done Al Anon, individual counseling, etc. Professionals have told me over and over that I should leave. Why haven't I?

I needed help with the kids, for one, and in spite of it all he IS a good father. Besides, they're all pretty much grown now, so that ship has sailed. Another reason? He's a good person, beneath it all, and I have terrible guilt about 'bailing' on him. He helps around the house and in many ways is an ideal husband, probably a better spouse than I am since I've given up trying over the past few years.

I promised myself long ago that I'd leave once the kids were independent, and have only been marking time for the past few years. This has had an unexpected result. Once I stopped asking him to conduct himself a certain way, stopped hoping for normal companionship, etc., he's never been happier and there are no more fights! He takes my silence as meaning that things are fine and I feel terrible knowing he'll be blindsided when I tell him I want a divorce. Heck, at times I've fooled myself into believing that our marriage is okay... until I see the affection and friendship between other couples and could cry with envy.

I've made an appointment to see a counselor (alone, he swore he'd never see a marriage counselor and I'm not about to try again at theis point). I'm hoping to find the courage to do what I know I need to do, and looking forward to some new perspectives. Thanks for reading.
 
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#2 ·
You need to answer three questions for yourself (imo):

1. Have you checked out of the marriage and there is nothing that will keep you there?
2. Are you prepared to give an ultimatum and carry through with it whether it be leaving, or, staying if he gets sober?
3. If you give the ultimatum and he decides to get sober, are you prepared to re-attach emotionally?
 
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#11 ·
These are hard questions.

1) The last counselor I saw (a few years ago) told me I was already emotionally divorced and could not believe I hadn't already left. Sometimes I can't believe it either, but here we are.

2) The last time he quit drinking (for maybe a month?) about 2 years ago he was miserable the entire time and I remember thinking back then that I didn't know if I could handle being married to this version of him either.

3) As far as reattaching, I'm not sure. There are so many resentments, so many awful experiences which he has never apologized for, just pretended they didn't happen. I find myself dreaming of a different existence, while at the same time I feel frozen in abject fear of rocking the boat and going through the trauma of a divorce and all that it entails.

So instead, every night, he watches TV, smokes and drinks while I keep my nose in a book or spend the evening online, chatting with friends or researching my hobbies. In many ways we may as well be alone, but he will cling to me as his wife to the bitter end, I know it.

And maybe it has something to do with what he has to lose in a divorce settlement - believe me, I've debated with myself over just letting him have well more than his half just so he'll let me go a little easier.
 
#3 ·
Definitely go to counseling. Living with an alcoholic is torture, nobody should have to live that way.

That guilt you feel about leaving him has been carefully cultivated by the codependent relationship that develops with alcoholics. They are masters at manipulation, making us feel guilty for everything in their life.

You only get one life you deserve to live happily. The absence of the constant tension living with an alcoholic is indescribable. I was so tense I didn't even realize how bad it was, it was my natural state. To come home without worrying about what might happen is so liberating! Love, peace, affection; these are all worth it.
 
#4 ·
A few thoughts...

You're not considering "bailing" on him. You've been enabling his behaviour for your entire marriage, and you're considering stopping that enablement.

He may see you as a "walk away wife", as he thinks things are peachy keen because you're not nagging him about his negative behaviour. Too bad, so sad for him. Point him back to your many previous discussions and see if he can recognize that he hasn't changed from your original complaints.

He wasn't a "good father" if he's taught the kids that it's normal to take a beer into the shower and fall asleep drunk every night.

Possibly the reason he wouldn't ever consider counselling is because he didn't want to face the music he knew he'd hear (and deserve).

It's great that you're finally getting counselling. You need to get yourself in a place that you can take the advice that you've already been given.

Good luck!

C
 
#5 ·
Read this book NOW (really, download it to your computer -- Amazon.com has a FREE kindle app for people with PCs). Co-dependent No More by Melody Beattie.

Read it SLOWLY, with thorough comprehension (it's not a 'race' to see how fast you can complete it). USE it like a workbook; there are questions at the end of every chapter. Answer them. Literally WRITE down the answers to each question - use it like a workbook.

At the end of the book, you will have a BETTER UNDERSTANDING of yourself, your life, your choices (past and present).

This book should give you some CLARITY after which you should have an easier time choosing a path forward in your life (we don't know what it is, you don't know what it is. Read the book and you'll be able to pick it out.)

If you answer the questions TRUTHFULLY by looking inside yourself for answers, you'll be able to make better choices in a week or two when you're finished with the book.

Best wishes for 2014!


.
 
#6 ·
I'm a recovering alcoholic, and I know exactly the kind of person your husband is. I know many alcoholics of this type. He will not stop, and he will occasionally go to treatment to get everyone off his back and then start drinking again.

I would divorce him if I were you. He needs to hit rock bottom and lose everything to maybe....maybe wake up and see how dysfunctional his behavior is.

You deserve to be happy and live a life without being shackled to a drunk.
 
#7 ·
I would divorce him if I were you. He needs to hit rock bottom and lose everything to maybe....maybe wake up and see how dysfunctional his behavior is.
Put the emphasis on maybe. I know a highly functional alcoholic who is royally screwing up his life yet isn't quitting. He's ran his father's business into the ground. It's enough to survive on, to support himself, but not what it was. He's lost the comfortable life he had. His WONDERFUL wife has left, his kids avoid him (his youngest graduates this year). Yet he's not stopped. He's one of those guys that only those with knowledge of the 'tells' that he's flying high would notice.
 
#8 ·
I've been reading threads here on TAM for a while now, but I joined today because I wanted to offer my advice to you Shimmer.

I too was married to an alcoholic for 20 years.

It's my opinion that it won't get any better. Let your loneliness and anger drive you Shimmer. Hubby doesn't really believe that you're going anywhere, you've threatened it before. You've taken this behaviour from him for years and he has learned that you will stick around for it.

In my opinion, the best thing you can do is leave. I left my husband 5 years ago, divorced him, and am now in a wonderful relationship with a man who loves spending time with me and treats me beautifully. When I look back, I really can't believe how different my life is now - how different I am.

And what of my husband...? Nothing has changed for him. He drinks as much as he ever did. Our kids visit him every few weeks, and they tell me that he still has the same ol' routines. He likes his life with lots of beer in it.

Continue with your IC, and choose happiness Shimmer. Don't let feeling frightened stop you.

I wish you all the best.
 
#10 ·
Thanks everyone, and especially you PinkPetal, for your input.

I'm having such a terribly hard time with this. When I was much younger I endured a brief marriage to an abusive jerk. It was easy to leave him, and this feels so different. My husband truly is a good person underneath it all and I hate the idea that I'm going to cause him pain. The marriage we have is apparently enough for him, even if it seems like an illusion to me.

At the same time, I question my own judgment and wonder if what I have isn't enough... a man who works hard and provides well, has never laid a hand on me and has been faithful for 25 years, at least as far as I know. Am I a fool for wanting more... a friend, someone who makes me laugh and wants to talk to me at night instead of staring into his beer can?

I have read "Codependent No More", but will do a refresher. I've also read "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay", and as expected, all signs pointed to "leave". There has been so much anger between us, so many issues swept under the rug, but I know he's been lulled into a false sense of security now, since I've quit fighting him and just let him be with his booze. He's happy as can be and I'm perfectly miserable. :(
 
#13 ·
You are very welcome Shimmer.

I know that deciding to leave is a process, and it doesn't sound like you are quite there yet.

For myself, I wavered for years. After 20 years of marriage of course I cared about my husband and worried about what would happen to him if I were to leave. I didn't want to be responsible for any downward spiral, and I was pretty sure that that was what would happen. But I felt as though I was very slowly dying inside. Every day became another day to get through, same as the day before, evenings being the worst.

Loneliness and lack of intimacy matter in a relationship Shimmer. Of course you feel bereft because you are not receiving the love and attention from your husband that you truly deserve.

It's my opinion that you're fighting a losing battle. Be honest with yourself - is this really the life that you want to live Shimmer? Another year of this? - another 5, 10, or 15 years?? I don't believe that your husband's behaviour is going to change, not after so many years and failed attempts. And your loneliness is not going to go away.

I know this may sound harsh, but in my own experience, the best thing you can do for your husband is to stop being his safety net. Cut him loose and let him sink or swim on his own. He may flail around and go under water, but I'd be surprised if he didn't pop back up and eventually start to swim.

You can do it Shimmer. Your hubby is a grown man. He needs to step up, and you need to require it of him.

Best to you.
 
#16 ·
This is SO difficult, y'all.

I can't make a move whatsover until probably March, when things have calmed down around our house and I feel like it's a good time to move forward. A family member is undergoing some important training right now and I refuse to wreck it by dropping this bomb until they are done.

So for now, I'm doing what I can to get along and still acting as if everything is fine. I have no more fight left in me and find myself giving him passive responses to whatever he asks or needs, and of course, he thinks all is well... GREAT, in fact. He's smiling, cheerful, and probably can't believe his good luck that I've finally quit nagging about his drinking, neglected home repairs, etc.

To top it off, I have to grin and bear it through our 25th anniversary coming up - what awful timing! I'm miserable, completely and totally defeated, and I don't think he suspects a thing.

This is entire process is so much harder than I thought it would be. I don't know WHY I thought it wouldn't be, but this is crushing my soul, all of it. :*(
 
#18 ·
I am glad you are making plans and getting yourself ready. It will help you when you finally make the move.

I can't help but feel a twinge of pain though when I read your posts. You sound a lot like my wife when she explains how she felt. We're still together, but it is not easy. She has to deal with all of the emotional baggage from my years of drinking, I deal with the guilt and self-loathing because of the destruction I wrought in our marriage, and we both are trying to find a way back to being happy together.

I have 321 days of sobriety, I have worked my program, and I am doing all I know how to do to be a better husband, father, and partner. Some days it feels like it is working and some days I just want it to be over. More than anything I would like to have her forgiveness, but she is not ready for that. She may never be ready for that. But I know that I caused the problems, so I am trying to give her time to heal or decide whether she wants to keep trying or split up.

Like your husband, I was glad when she stopped nagging about my drinking. I didn't read the storm clouds well enough to know it wasn't another spring shower, it was a hurricane bearing down on me.

This post is really why I asked you those three questions in my first post in this thread. Really, what happens if he decides to get sober and stay sober? For me, it hasn't been enough for my wife...yet...but I keep praying and hoping and working my program.
 
#19 ·
This post is really why I asked you those three questions in my first post in this thread. Really, what happens if he decides to get sober and stay sober? For me, it hasn't been enough for my wife...yet...but I keep praying and hoping and working my program.
My gut reaction is to say it wouldn't make a difference. I've dreamed of a new life for so long now that deciding to stay would feel like a defeat to me. Maybe my dreams are pipe dreams, I don't know, but I look forward to doing things and going places with a companion who is worried about more than where the closest bar is.

At the same time, it hurts me to think of the pain this will cause him and I'm dreading the announcement with all of my heart. Like I said, this would be easier if he were a complete jerk, but he's not. He's a good person with a BAd problem, and one I'm tired of dealing with.

I just want to be happy and look forward to the rest of my life, and sadly that comes at the expense of hurting him.
 
#21 ·
I truly believe that after the kids have "grown up", people question their marital status more than ever. And, I think everyone at some point has probably convinced themselves that everything is "okay" in their marriage. It"s a way to protect ourselves from making some type of "change".

Counseling will surely help.....AlAnon could help......but only you will know when you're "sick and tired" of being "sick and tired" of his behavior. Remember, he will change only and only if he wants to change.

Good Luck
 
#22 ·
He takes my silence as meaning that things are fine and I feel terrible knowing he'll be blindsided when I tell him I want a divorce.
do NOT blindside him and do NOT stay silent. that was done to me, though in my case it's my wife with the drinking problem (and the BPD). the devastation this has created cannot be expressed in words. just reading that was a furious trigger.

please consider movealong's questions in post #2.
 
#23 ·
This is a really good poem that says it all... Hardest thing to do but it's the only way.


IF YOU LOVE ME, LET ME FALL

IF you love me let me fall all by myself. Don't try to spread a net out to catch me, don't throw a pillow under my ass to cushion the pain so I don't have to feel it, don't stand in the place I am going to land so that you can break the fall, (allowing yourself to get hurt instead of me)

Let me fall as far down as my addiction is going to take me, let me walk the valley alone all by myself, let me reach the bottom of the pit....trust that there is a bottom there somewhere even if you can't see it. The sooner you stop saving me from myself, stop rescuing me, trying to fix my broken-ness, trying to understand me to a fault, enabling me.....The sooner you allow me to feel the loss and consequences, the burden of my addiction on my shoulders and not yours....the sooner I will arrive....and on time....just right where I need to be...me, alone all by myself in the rubble of the lifestyle I lead...resist the urge to pull me out because that will only put me back at square one.

It I am allowed to stay at the bottom and live there for awhile, I am free to get sick of it on my own, free to begin to want out, free to look for a way out, and free to plan how I will climb back up to the top. In the beginning as I start to climb out....I just might slide back down, but don't worry I might have to hit bottom a couple more times before I make it out safe and sound.

Don't you see?? Don't you know?? You can't do this for me...I have to do it for myself, but if you are always breaking the fall how am I ever supposed to feel the pain that is part of the driving force to want to get well. It is my burden to carry, not yours.

I know you love me and that you mean well and a lot of what you do is because you don't know what to do and you act from your heart and from knowledge of what is best for me....but if you truly love me, let me go my own way, make my own choices be they bad or good.

Don't clip my wings before I can learn to fly....nudge me out of your safety net....trust the process and pray for me.....that one day I will not only fly, but maybe even soar.
 
#24 ·
Hi everyone, I just joined. Shimmer your 'story' is similar to mine. I had a light bulb moment a few days ago and realized my husband is an alcoholic even though he earns well, never misses a day at work, he is lovely when he is sober. But i have lived for 22 years on a roller coaster, always worrying when the peace would be shattered and I would be on the down again. I know I have to look out for myself and have begun to think its better to walk away. I have 2 teenage kids who have to be educated, both want to go to college. He is the main earner, I only work part time as I am also studying to get more qualifications. He says if I ever leave him he wont care about the finances for the kids and will become a full blown alcoholic as he wont care anymore. That is why I am hanging on for now. We are not speaking right now after his last binge this week> I am reading more about al anon and how to approach this but to be honest I am so so tired of it all, I am numb. Thanks for listening.
 
#27 ·
UPDATE:

I'm still here, but change is brewing. I had several important events to get through at the first of the year, and they are all nearly done. If I've got the guts, the time is coming.

Over the weekend I made the mistake of alluding to the fact that if some things don't change I'm not afraid to leave. This resulted in him throwing a major tantrum, telling me of everything I'M going to ruin if I dare take that step, and then pulling a major public drunk which he seems to find amusing. He knows there's nothing that horrifies me worse than public embarrassment and I'm quite certain that's why he did it.

I had been wavering before, trying to convince myself to stick around a little longer and see what happened. It seemed to be the path of least resistance. Today I woke up clear and focused, as if my subconscious was forcing me to get back on track and showing me the way I need to go - and I find that I'm listening very intently.
 
#29 ·
There's something else he does which has always puzzled me, and this has stepped up lately as well.

Ever since we've been a couple he's been kind've infamous among our friends for going off and leaving me when we're in public, at a club or party or whatever, to where I end up spending lots of time looking for him. I've never been quite sure what this habit means to him, and have assumed that it's his way of making me pursue him, or perhaps to show me (or others) that I need him more than he needs me.

This behavior was in evidence very strongly over the weekend as we attended a local event where we (okay, I) volunteer every year. Him disappearing in the crowd, me looking for him. What's UP with this? What's he getting out of it?

For the record, people ask me on a regular basis WHY I'm married to him. He's an obvious alcoholic thus his looks and personality have taken pretty hard hits over the years, yet I end up looking like his reject when he pulls this crap. You'll have to take my word for it when I tell you I'm not an unattractive woman, so what gives?
 
#34 ·
What she said. He's likely doing it because you feed his need. Stop doing it. And especially at this point in your relationship.

One of the reasons why many alcoholics are "functioning alcoholics" is because they have someone running around behind them, picking up the pieces. Enabling them. Stop doing that. He's going to have to learn to function on his own anyway.

C
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