Talk About Marriage - View Single Post

BlueCreek · 06-24-2008, 02:50 PM

I think I can already envision how your arguments go by the tone of your message. You start of saying how great he is and wondering if you deserve to be with him, and finish off by asking if you are really that bad. It's a very passive voice. I'm not saying that negatively, or like it's a bad thing, but if your discussions take that same sort of "is it me" or "am I the one wrong" tract right from the beginning, he's probably going "win" the argument and convince you that you are the one in the wrong every time. I have been guilty of that myself. My wife is very good at always being "right" and on more than one occasion I've found it easier to just mentally throw up my arms and give in than keep up the discussion. My wife is a high school teacher and when she argues with me, it's easy for her to start sounding like a teacher berating a failing student that doesn't "get it." But we continue to work on that together with ever growing success because withdrawing only leads to a further disconnect and makes other things harder to deal with. She doesn't want to hurt me or make me feel like I'm an idiot any more than I want to feel that way, it just hard for her to sometimes see that that is what she is doing, though over the past year or so has improved dramatically in how she talks to me when we have a disagreement.

The first thing I think you need to do is STOP thinking you are undeserving and START sticking to your opinion or convictions. Seriously, start thinking of as yourself as his equal right now, even if you have to repeat it to yourself like a mantra for five minutes every morning until you believe it. Then, every time you see that your are going to have a disagreement, go into it with an open mind and willingness to see his point of view, but be fully aware of why you feel what you do and that you aren't just going to roll over. You opinion is just as important as his, he just might be better at arguing and formulating his thoughts rapidly. Also don't go into it with the assumption one is going to come away convincing the other, not every argument or discussion needs to have a winner and loser. Life, and especially marriage, is often about compromise.

The second thing you need to do is remember to keep the discussion civil. If it's an important issue and you feel tempers are starting to rise and that no headway is being made, it is far better to instead of just giving in, find a way to step back and move on to something else with the mutual understanding that you and your husband will revisit the topic after you have both had a breather and collected your thoughts and emotions. Don't do this with a huff and an "I'm not talking to you about this any more" sort of way, but a "Look, we can't seem to understand each others position right now, why don't we step back until after the kids go to bed and revisit it then. Will that be ok with you?"

The big thing you need to do is find some way to talk to your husband about this. Tell him that you love him and you think his strong conviction is one of his most admirable qualities (butter him up) and you love that about him, but then let him know that he needs to start being ok with you having a different opinion on things. It sounds a bit like he thinks the two of you have to agree 100% on everything or it is a threat to your marriage. Let him know that it's ok for him to discuss things if he disagrees with you and ok for him to tell you his viewpoint, but that at the same time, if you can't convince you in a civil manner, that it's ok. You are in love, you are joined in so many ways, but in the end, despite the great many things you have in common, you are two different people it's not a big deal to not always agree or think the exact same way about everything. He does need to learn when to back off and you need to find a way to teach him that. Not doing so is a far greater threat to your marriage and happiness than not agreeing on everything.

One final quick comment. It is readily apparent that this is starting to affect your marriage in a serious manner and needs to be addressed for your sake as soon as possible, but I'm not sure that this is the only thing going between you, at least as far as he is concerned. You are withdrawing because you don't like how the arguments are always one-sided with you being the loser. But he is always "winning" so likely does not see this issue in the same light you do and it is probably not affecting him in the same way. If he is withdrawing more and more from you and the kids, I can't help but wonder if there is anything else going on between the two of you.

06-24-2008, 02:50 PM	#3 (permalink)
BlueCreek Member Join Date: May 2008 Location: Southern California Posts: 77	Re: Am I really that bad? I think I can already envision how your arguments go by the tone of your message. You start of saying how great he is and wondering if you deserve to be with him, and finish off by asking if you are really that bad. It's a very passive voice. I'm not saying that negatively, or like it's a bad thing, but if your discussions take that same sort of "is it me" or "am I the one wrong" tract right from the beginning, he's probably going "win" the argument and convince you that you are the one in the wrong every time. I have been guilty of that myself. My wife is very good at always being "right" and on more than one occasion I've found it easier to just mentally throw up my arms and give in than keep up the discussion. My wife is a high school teacher and when she argues with me, it's easy for her to start sounding like a teacher berating a failing student that doesn't "get it." But we continue to work on that together with ever growing success because withdrawing only leads to a further disconnect and makes other things harder to deal with. She doesn't want to hurt me or make me feel like I'm an idiot any more than I want to feel that way, it just hard for her to sometimes see that that is what she is doing, though over the past year or so has improved dramatically in how she talks to me when we have a disagreement. The first thing I think you need to do is STOP thinking you are undeserving and START sticking to your opinion or convictions. Seriously, start thinking of as yourself as his equal right now, even if you have to repeat it to yourself like a mantra for five minutes every morning until you believe it. Then, every time you see that your are going to have a disagreement, go into it with an open mind and willingness to see his point of view, but be fully aware of why you feel what you do and that you aren't just going to roll over. You opinion is just as important as his, he just might be better at arguing and formulating his thoughts rapidly. Also don't go into it with the assumption one is going to come away convincing the other, not every argument or discussion needs to have a winner and loser. Life, and especially marriage, is often about compromise. The second thing you need to do is remember to keep the discussion civil. If it's an important issue and you feel tempers are starting to rise and that no headway is being made, it is far better to instead of just giving in, find a way to step back and move on to something else with the mutual understanding that you and your husband will revisit the topic after you have both had a breather and collected your thoughts and emotions. Don't do this with a huff and an "I'm not talking to you about this any more" sort of way, but a "Look, we can't seem to understand each others position right now, why don't we step back until after the kids go to bed and revisit it then. Will that be ok with you?" The big thing you need to do is find some way to talk to your husband about this. Tell him that you love him and you think his strong conviction is one of his most admirable qualities (butter him up) and you love that about him, but then let him know that he needs to start being ok with you having a different opinion on things. It sounds a bit like he thinks the two of you have to agree 100% on everything or it is a threat to your marriage. Let him know that it's ok for him to discuss things if he disagrees with you and ok for him to tell you his viewpoint, but that at the same time, if you can't convince you in a civil manner, that it's ok. You are in love, you are joined in so many ways, but in the end, despite the great many things you have in common, you are two different people it's not a big deal to not always agree or think the exact same way about everything. He does need to learn when to back off and you need to find a way to teach him that. Not doing so is a far greater threat to your marriage and happiness than not agreeing on everything. One final quick comment. It is readily apparent that this is starting to affect your marriage in a serious manner and needs to be addressed for your sake as soon as possible, but I'm not sure that this is the only thing going between you, at least as far as he is concerned. You are withdrawing because you don't like how the arguments are always one-sided with you being the loser. But he is always "winning" so likely does not see this issue in the same light you do and it is probably not affecting him in the same way. If he is withdrawing more and more from you and the kids, I can't help but wonder if there is anything else going on between the two of you.