Talk About Marriage - View Single Post - Am I making the right decision? When do you know you've tried all that you can?

bph · 06-25-2008, 03:22 AM

To me it sounds like you need to:
a) get that other person out of every aspect of your life. He will affect your judgment, and remember, "the grass is always greener...." They say that another person looks "better" because you don't see all the imperfections that you start to see in a person after you're married. So no matter what, another person is a bad, bad, idea.

b) have a heart to heart with your man. Tell him you're worried. Tell him all the things he does that are wonderful. Then tell him what is bothering you. Really. You might find out some things are bothering him, too. But that's a part of marriage, and no matter what guy you are married to, it will be that way. He has to try to make you happy and comfortable, and you have to do the same for him. So it might mean that you have to change a little, too, not just him.

As far as the verbal aggression goes, maybe what you need to do is set up some "ground rules" for fighting. My DH and I, no matter how angry we are, try very hard to "fight fair". That means not rubbing someone's face in their mistakes--that is, you don't say "Well, at least I'm not the one who went to the game without calling three months ago"! And we never put down each other's families. That doesn't mean that we don't talk about our families, or even gossip. But we are careful to not say things like, "your brother is so stupid, I can't believe he is doing that!" We also make sure that if there is something the other person is sensitive about, it isn't brought into an argument. Like "You're the one who thought you were going to get a raise!" or "With all that gray hair, it's no wonder you forgot what I said." You can be respectful and still argue, LOL--it's easier than you think. And it shows your partner that even in anger, you respect each other, and that's very important.

I think a counselor might really be beneficial to you, and it sounds like you might be disillusioned, but I think it sounds like it's worth saving!

06-25-2008, 03:22 AM	#9 (permalink)
bph Registered User Join Date: Jun 2008 Posts: 4	Re: Am I making the right decision? When do you know you've tried all that you can? To me it sounds like you need to: a) get that other person out of every aspect of your life. He will affect your judgment, and remember, "the grass is always greener...." They say that another person looks "better" because you don't see all the imperfections that you start to see in a person after you're married. So no matter what, another person is a bad, bad, idea. b) have a heart to heart with your man. Tell him you're worried. Tell him all the things he does that are wonderful. Then tell him what is bothering you. Really. You might find out some things are bothering him, too. But that's a part of marriage, and no matter what guy you are married to, it will be that way. He has to try to make you happy and comfortable, and you have to do the same for him. So it might mean that you have to change a little, too, not just him. As far as the verbal aggression goes, maybe what you need to do is set up some "ground rules" for fighting. My DH and I, no matter how angry we are, try very hard to "fight fair". That means not rubbing someone's face in their mistakes--that is, you don't say "Well, at least I'm not the one who went to the game without calling three months ago"! And we never put down each other's families. That doesn't mean that we don't talk about our families, or even gossip. But we are careful to not say things like, "your brother is so stupid, I can't believe he is doing that!" We also make sure that if there is something the other person is sensitive about, it isn't brought into an argument. Like "You're the one who thought you were going to get a raise!" or "With all that gray hair, it's no wonder you forgot what I said." You can be respectful and still argue, LOL--it's easier than you think. And it shows your partner that even in anger, you respect each other, and that's very important. I think a counselor might really be beneficial to you, and it sounds like you might be disillusioned, but I think it sounds like it's worth saving! __________________ My blog: http://bipolarhubby.blogspot.com