Deejo

Can you just back off? If what she needs is for you to not insist that she shares the details of her day, or that you don't jump to help her with something if she hasn't asked, can you do that? Or are you going to feel somehow rejected?

Went through this with my wife - she too had incredible emotional damage done by her parents. She masked her self-esteem issues under the facade of self-confidence.

Here is the summary, consider it, weigh it, decide if it is similar.

- Asking about her day isn't interpreted as interest in her well being or a means to connect. She views it as an interrogation. She believes she is being asked for an accounting of what she did, that in turn will only generate more questions. To her this is about judgment and control, not conversational interest.

- Doing nice or gentlemanly things for her are interpreted that she is incapable of doing them herself. She neither wants, nor appreciates 'over-helping'.

In it's worst form ...

- Because she does not want to be controlled, she looks to take control where she can. Providing you with affection, sex, or validation are the easiest points to assume control in the relationship. (This may not even be a concious decision on her part)

- As her husband, you WANT to know how she feels, what she thinks ... you want to be emotionally close, you want to please her, you want her to please you. The more she witholds, the more frustrated you become - you continue to pursue her love and attention, she feels smothered and withdraws further. You feel rejected and frustrated and wonder why the fucryin out loud you got married in the first place.

- You both become angry, bitter, and divorce.

This all can be avoided but it means you both need to make changes.

You need to ditch the notion that acting like Prince Charming makes you wonderful and she just doesn't get it. Behavior that you perceive to be loving, dutiful, and commited, she may interpret as needy, smothering, and controling.

She needs to either understand, or reconcile the difference between what was done to her, and the fact that to be in love, and married, requires intimacy and being connected - which means trust, sharing, and communicating.

I don't doubt that you could go years under the current conditions. I did. But in the end, you aren't building anything positive. All you both will build is disdain and resentment for one another.