Commited1

update!

Pattern: She gets a little closer to me then suffers a kind of internal backlash and distances herself from me, doing and saying things which are designed to push me away. Next cycle she gets even closer and there is more backlash. Repeat cycle. As this happens, she gets closer each time and withdraws a little less back. IMO she is on the path back to me but doesn't trust herself or me enough to just jump fully into it.

Thats ok, it is how she is reconciling in a way she can handle and is comfortable with. What I need to do is to not give her a legitimate reason to choose to draw back, but a really legitimate reason to keep coming closer. In the end, it is all her choice, and either her strength or her weakness will prevail. I trust in her strength. She has a mile long freight train packed full of emotional baggage from traumas she suffered prior to meeting me and there is no way she would have come through being the genuinely decent person she is without some kind of internal strength and commitment to her integrity as an individual.

There are no guarantees here, we are definitely not yet in the clear and may never be. I am finding it difficult to restrain m,y own anger and have been venting on the punching bag and chores outside the house, rather than directing it at her.

There was a moment of clarity and liberation yesterday when I told her whats up. Essentially this: "You said we keep trying and never give up no matter what, the only exceptions being physical abuse, infidelity, abuse of the kids; you think WAY too much about things and way over dramatize then in your head. You don't want to deal with pain, well guess what, life IS pain interrupted by occasional moments of joy and pleasure- the best you can do is maintain your integrity as a person, commit to a life partner that will have you back ALWAYS (as I have) and will be loyal to the end (as I have been). No matter who you end up being with, they will not be perfect as I am not perfect, they will cause you pain, as I have caused you pain, but you know that very few people will cause less pain than I have or will BE THERE FOR YOU as I have. I DO love you, and will always love you and will never give up on this. But I will back away from you now and give you space to breath and decide what you are going to do." I then sent her the lyrics for "Pigs on the Wing parts 1 and 2" with the note: "This is all I really want, it is really this simple. Those lyrics go:

If you didn't care what happened to me,
And I didn't care for you,
We would zig zag our way through the boredom and pain
Occasionally glancing up through the rain.
Wondering which of the buggars to blame
And watching for pigs on the wing.

You know that I care what happens to you,
And I know that you care for me to,
So we don't feel alone,
Or the weight of the stone,
Now that we've found somewhere safe
To bury our bones.
And any fool knows a dog needs a home,
A shelter from pigs on the wing.

After that no more attempts at conversation, no more hurt looks when she ignores me or heavy sighs or attempts to be affectionate with her. And then, magically, after a few hours of this, spontaneous light-hearted conversation erupted, which turned into play wrestling/fighting, which turned into her biting my neck, which lead to us kissing passionately. Before it went any further I drew away, and she pulled me back into a tight hug against her chest that lasted about 10 minutes straight. No words. I slowly and gently pulled out of that hug and left her with a little smile and bewildered look on her face.

We woke up this morning facing each other. She put her elbow in my chest and pushed playfully. So I put my arm over her face an pushed a little. She knee'd me in the chest and we ended up wrestling. Then the kids woke up and came into the room and that was all over. Told the kids to leave the room and I told her she was lucky the kids came in to save her from the embarrassment of me rejecting her sexual advances. She scoffed and said that if she had sex with me or anyone else in the future it wouldn't be all elbows and knees.

Ok that part about "if I have sex with you or anyone else..." kind of hurt (I would NEVER say that to her) but really it is her reaction to coming closer to me- to get freaked out and try to push me away.

I come home tonight from work and clean up the house a little for her, put the kids to bed, and she is (again as always) with her face in the computer playing videogames and chatting on yahoo messenger. I said, "Hello!" and she said hi. I didn't touch her or even move towards her or even look at her directly but went about my business. So there she is in the drawing away phase again, but thats ok.

Tonight, at work, I am thinking I don't need my kids growing in an environment where 'it is ok' for one person to ignore another person and generally blow them off when they greet you. But she has always been rude like that. Coupled with the recent problems, its real irritating and there is none of the normal corresponding affection (like she never says "Hi hun how was your day and stops what she is doing to talk to me for a minute, she never had done that, ever, but before the past few weeks, after I had been home a few minutes she would take a break from what she was doing and hug and kiss me and make me something to eat). So it balanced out.

But still, the fact that she seems/seemed ready to throw the towel in on everything after making a commitment to me and starting a family with me (4 young kids!!!), is a big red flag and really makes me question the reality of who I chose as a life mate.

So I will spend the next few months getting things right with myself, and if she doesn't get things right with her it goes to the next level.