Talk About Marriage - View Single Post

stupidme · 11-20-2009, 08:13 AM

Dear mymonkeysee,

I'm so sorry, I'm in almost the same situation as you as well. The only difference is he broke up with her, but that does not mean he will not go back to her. He said he's committed to make the marriage work but we only have 6 weeks time and he will then go abroad to work. He said we will have to try to make the marriage work and if it doesn't, then at least we tried. What if it doesn't, then he can walk into her open arms guilt-free?

I've been with him, through thick and thin and now this affair. He's under tremendous stress due to unresolved issues regarding his childhood, OW/me, career and is now under psychiatric care. He feels I'm pushing him toward a nervous breakdown with the constant rehashing of the affair after his confession 3.5 weeks ago. He wanted me to move forward and not look to the past, not to go back to his affair. He lied so much that it because second nature to him until I poked holes into his lies and I finally got the whole picture 3 days ago (or so I think). Everytime I confronted him regarding her, he became so stressed out and he accused me of pushing him, and then I apologized.

It hurst so much that he puts her on such a pedestal in his mind, said he still loves her very much, misses her and has to learn to live without her. It hurts so much that I'm a SAHM, with no business experience whereas she's such a great businesswoman that he has such admiration for her. In his mind, what can I do to help him in his business....NOTHING. It hurts so much when he said they are 90% alike in their thinking that they know what the other is thinking, where as he pushed me out of his life for so long that he never confided anything to me. I'm a very private person and he confided every aspects of our life to her. It hurts so much that he was thinking of contacting her to join him abroad for business when I'm here with our kids, maybe seeing each other 3-4 times/year. That he was thinking of pulling a yes, our marriage is working but he still has her on the side 10 months out of a year. It hurts so much to know there's only 6 weeks to work out our marriage before he leaves, that he can easily walk out on our marriage to go to her. And here I am, apologizing constantly for pushing him into a corner to get the truth to their affair.

I was told by him constantly to get over it if I want to work on our marriage. He was frustrated that I kept on rehashing his past actions, that I could not move forward. I have booked an appointment with a marriage counsellor for next week to help me to move forward. I'm going by myself since I'm afraid he might be too emotionally fragile to deal with my insecurities, my fear, saying I'm rehashing things over and over again, that he's on trial over and over again.

I'm sorry there's nothing constructive I can say to you since this infidelity is newer than yours. But it seems your H, like mine, is trying to walk out of the marriage guilt free, then he can justify in his mind, he did tried to work things out. I do so hope things will work out for you, God bless.

11-20-2009, 08:13 AM	#2 (permalink)
stupidme Registered User Join Date: Nov 2009 Posts: 29	Re: How do I let go Dear mymonkeysee, I'm so sorry, I'm in almost the same situation as you as well. The only difference is he broke up with her, but that does not mean he will not go back to her. He said he's committed to make the marriage work but we only have 6 weeks time and he will then go abroad to work. He said we will have to try to make the marriage work and if it doesn't, then at least we tried. What if it doesn't, then he can walk into her open arms guilt-free? I've been with him, through thick and thin and now this affair. He's under tremendous stress due to unresolved issues regarding his childhood, OW/me, career and is now under psychiatric care. He feels I'm pushing him toward a nervous breakdown with the constant rehashing of the affair after his confession 3.5 weeks ago. He wanted me to move forward and not look to the past, not to go back to his affair. He lied so much that it because second nature to him until I poked holes into his lies and I finally got the whole picture 3 days ago (or so I think). Everytime I confronted him regarding her, he became so stressed out and he accused me of pushing him, and then I apologized. It hurst so much that he puts her on such a pedestal in his mind, said he still loves her very much, misses her and has to learn to live without her. It hurts so much that I'm a SAHM, with no business experience whereas she's such a great businesswoman that he has such admiration for her. In his mind, what can I do to help him in his business....NOTHING. It hurts so much when he said they are 90% alike in their thinking that they know what the other is thinking, where as he pushed me out of his life for so long that he never confided anything to me. I'm a very private person and he confided every aspects of our life to her. It hurts so much that he was thinking of contacting her to join him abroad for business when I'm here with our kids, maybe seeing each other 3-4 times/year. That he was thinking of pulling a yes, our marriage is working but he still has her on the side 10 months out of a year. It hurts so much to know there's only 6 weeks to work out our marriage before he leaves, that he can easily walk out on our marriage to go to her. And here I am, apologizing constantly for pushing him into a corner to get the truth to their affair. I was told by him constantly to get over it if I want to work on our marriage. He was frustrated that I kept on rehashing his past actions, that I could not move forward. I have booked an appointment with a marriage counsellor for next week to help me to move forward. I'm going by myself since I'm afraid he might be too emotionally fragile to deal with my insecurities, my fear, saying I'm rehashing things over and over again, that he's on trial over and over again. I'm sorry there's nothing constructive I can say to you since this infidelity is newer than yours. But it seems your H, like mine, is trying to walk out of the marriage guilt free, then he can justify in his mind, he did tried to work things out. I do so hope things will work out for you, God bless.