AlwaysAZ

I haven't a clue what to do here really, so please bear with me.
Some may not even feel my husband has betrayed me but I do.

I found out, while paying the bills, that he had been on three different dating sites. After doing some checking I found that he presented himself as divorced. He was seeking a 'fun loving and passionate, long term relationship'. We have been married 10 years.

Yes, we have some issues in our marriage, mostly due to my not having found a job to return to as of yet that brings in enough money for him.

That, and quite honestly, I have some issues with sex. I had a hyster 4 years ago. I also had cervical cancer but found out after the hyster. Then I had ovarian cancer, Stage 1A, had my ovaries removed just over a year ago. Since then.......sex is a four letter word. It is not my husband, it is all me. I can't stand it. I don't like to be touched, etc. I have spoken with my doctor and have tried what they have suggested. Nothing is working. I will have sex but I can't handle the foreplay as I once did. I miss it too.

So any way, my husband told me he did this because he was feeling at a loss. I was not meeting his emotional or physical needs. I was not making him feel wanted. His doing this had nothing to do with me, it was all him. He wanted and needed to know he was still desirable, etc. And then once woman began to notice him and 'wink' at him it was like an adrenaline rush, it boosted his ego. He told me that had I not found out he probably would have continued to be doing this. He had no intentions of taking it any where but he could not be sure.

He refused, for days, to tell me what e-mail he used. I only asked the name, not the domain. I was angry then and asked him to prove to me he had disabled his account. All he had to do was send himself and e-mail. If, in fact, the account was disabled an error message would be returned. He was angry and defensive. He finally did it and sure enough, the error message was returned.

He has not yet answered all of the questions I have. He had told me he will not, he refuses to. He will not hurt me more, he will not play Russian roulette.

I have my first therapy session on 7/1. I am looking forward to it. Goodness knows I need some help with this and other issues I've been hiding from. He tells me he is waiting until I am ready to meet up in marriage counseling. I feel I need to see someone on my own first. He doesn't feel he needs to.

You see, he was doing this in our house. Our middle daughter came in the house and noticed one of the sites. His back was to the door. She saw him checking out someone's profile. After I realized what was on the credit card bill she told me what she had seen.

I am hurt, of course, I am angry. I honestly feel as if he has emotionally cheated on me. And he is not being forthcoming with me.

We both stated our marriage must come first if we are going to work through things. However, he is not doing this. His mother is due to visit in a few weeks. Regardless of when these plans were made our lives have changed, our marriage is a mess. The last thing we need is any one visiting. He doesn't care. He refuses to tell his mother plans have changed. I can like it or I can leave and not see her.

I don't even know what I'm doing. I'm sick, I'm tired, I'm angry and I don't even want to exist. I don't want to be any where near him. One moment I am looking forward to getting past this and the next I just can't take it.

Can someone please tell me I am not alone in this hell?

Also, please excuse any and all typos. If I proof read I may chicken out and not submit this. Just in case any one cares.........my husband is 37, I am 43 and we have been married over 10 years.

Thanks for taking the time folks!