This weekend my husband and I went to visit both of our families and we were having a discussion on the way home about why so many men have issues with their wives. We haven't been married long- just over a month- and we barely dated a year before tying the knot. To some people it seems to be a rushed time frame, but our relationship isn't just "Ohhh, I love him and he's perfect ohhh!" Even though when we got together we didn't really have intentions off getting into a serious relationship, it became obvious pretty fast that we made a great team. And my husband is wonderful- he is attentive and affectionate, and he doesn't mind helping me around the house. He is appreciative of me and generally makes me feel wanted and cared about.
But anywho, back to the discussion in the car. He mentioned that his ex girlfriend that he lived with for 5 years didn't like it when he spent time with his family and that no woman would ever come before his family because his dad and brothers were the only people he could always trust. My feelings were hurt and I asked, "Well, I'm your family now, too, aren't I?" Then he said "No", but he said it in that goofy way he uses when he doesn't want to talk about something. Getting serious again, he tried to explain that he never thought of his ex that he'd been with for 5 years as family either and I couldn't help but say, "I'm your wife, not your girlfriend." He tried to save face by saying "Yeah, but that just wasn't the way I was brought up." After that the conversation more or less died... I couldn't think of anything else to say.
My feelings are pretty hurt- his mom left when he was seven, so I guess he never thought of husband and wife as a family unit, but I grew up in a two parent home and was taught from an early age that a husband and wife were almost the closest type of family you could have, because those people chose to have a life together. We don't have children but want to when I graduate (college) and settle down more permanently and we have pets together. I love his family and they love me; his niece started calling me aunt months before the wedding and his dad and mom seemed super excited to be "adding another daughter" to their family. I am a good wife, too- I cook and clean, which is more than his ex did. I don't currently work because I'm a full time student now, but I did before our wedding in addition to college, which is more than his ex can say, too.
I can't understand why my husband doesn't think of me as his family and I don't understand why he compares me to his ex, even though I don't seem to be anything like her. She was the longest relationship he had and he tells me that after two years of being with her, they didn't even like each other all that much. Even though he tells me that I'm a great wife and he has it good and he is constantly telling me he loves me, I can't help but be a bit afraid that eventually my "shiny is going to rub off" and he's not going to be very interested in me, either. Already our sex life is impossibly slow- if I wait on him to initiate, we might make love once a week and it may last 15 minutes. I understand there are reasons for this, but him brushing me off and calling me a "horny goat/ sex fiend/ et c." when I ask for sex doesn't exactly make me confident. He reassures me that he finds me attractive and sexy and he is constantly copping a feel, but when he makes nothing of it, it just makes me feel unattractive.
I would really like to talk to him about these things but I can't figure out how to broach the subject. Any suggestions?
And I'm sorry for writing a book, but I don't have anyone to really confide in right now and it's been hard keeping all of this bottled up; thanks to everyone who reads and responds