Hi, I am new here and here is my story. Sorry if too long. It is hard to put feelings into words.
I don't know where to start, there has been so much. I think this marriage was bad from day one. But I know that I loved my husband. But I think it has just been too much too often and I just don't think I can do this anymore. But I am so afraid of getting divorced. The affect it will have on my kids and I don't want to hurt my husband but I have been hurt so much for so long, I don't know what else to do. We have had sex issues our entire marriage. I started out being the aggressor and wanting to more than him. I came into this marriage with a low self esteem and believing that sex was the way you told someone you loved them and ultimately that all men love sex. Well that was not true or at least he did not seem to love it with me. I was so hurt everytime he pushed me away, but he always had an excuse. He was tired, he did not want our relationship based on sex, etc. Well, then it got worse. I started to realize that the only time he did want to have sex was when I was dressed up in high heels and stockings etc. Which is ok sometimes, but I noticed a pattern. That was the only way he would have sex with me. If we came home from someplace and I was ready to shed the heels and stockings and I took them off too soon, he would get angry and huff up like a kid. He refused to talk to me about it and denied anything like that was going on. It was all in my head. I had a low self esteem and this made it worse. I felt as if I was having to hide under the clothing. He never even touched me, he would leave the clothes on me to have sex. I felt like a prostitute. I got so angry after many years of dealing with this, or not dealing with it, that I stopped doing it entirely. So needless to say, our sex life became non-existent. Well, then my teenage daughter from a previous marriage became pregnant at 16. My DH had adopted her and I thought would be her daddy no matter what. But when this happened, our family imploded. He wanted her to give the baby up for adoption, we both did. But when she would not, he became so angry that he went to far. He did things that were unfogivable as a parent. He took her pictures off the wall while I was at work. He refused to talk to her. It was terrible. He was so hurt that he had not made any "difference" in her life that he was very hurtful to her and not supportive to anyone. She and I faught all the time and finally she left to go live with the babies father for a while. She would not have it any other way and she was tearling our family apart to get there. I forgot to mention that at the time she gave birth, I had just had a hystorectomy and was suffering post partum depression from my two babies who were 3 and 5 at the time she gave birth. So needless to say our lives were complete termoil. Well, my granddaughter is almost 4 now and my young children are 8 and 6 right now. I dont get to see my daughter and the baby much but things between she and I are much better and she has moved on and is trying to be an adult and take care of her child and doing ok for her age. My dh is still struggling with it all but is some better. But their relationship, what little there is, is only there because I am constantly "fixing" things. I am so tired of doing that. I am so tired of explaining to her what he said and he did not mean it that way and that he does love her. I want them to work it out, but he is hard headed and has not made the effort I think he should have made for his daughter. I feel like she is "my" daughter and has been all along. He gave her up at the first sign of a problem. He is a loving man with my two younger kids and probably a better parent than me right now. I have been diagnosed with fibromyalgia and with having the hystorectomy, I could care less if I ever have sex again. And with all our problems, I don't have the desire to be with him in an intimate way. He has always treated me as if the problems I think we have are just in my head. But he has no desire for sex either. Before we met, he use to go to strip clubs with his friends and so forth and I think there is something in there that is messed up. Maybe he has a fettish and can't move past that. We have had sex some in between and I have not dressed up so I think his age has helped him get past some of that. But last week when I went for a job interview, I wore a skirt and hose and he wanted to have sex and I just could not stand to let him touch me. I felt so hurt because I knew he only wanted me to do it because of the way I was dressed. I have gained alot of weight due to my health issues and the hystorectomy but he has a gut now too. And the fact that when we got married I was very thin and rather attractive and he still did not have a sex drive makes me think there is definitely something else going on. We went to counseling for a while but did not get very far. He is in complete denial. I don't know what else to do. I feel like I am in a loveless marriage. But I don't want to destroy my kids family. I also dont know what to do from here. We have been married 14 years. How do I start over? How do I make him realize how the hurt from over the years is still there and that he has never dealt with any of our problems and therefor they are still there. Any helpful advice would be greatly appreciated. I would love to make a friend who has been in a similar situation and can be a support system for me. It is hard to talk to anyone near me about this. Thanks.
Marie
