Talk About Marriage - View Single Post

7176 · 11-26-2009, 02:47 AM

This is my first post here, although I've read a lot over the past weeks on the forum.

HISTORY: Married 5 years in upstate NY, we are in our mid to late 30's. Met my wife less than a year after ending a very loving relationship with another woman due to circumstances beyond our control (contract with foreign nation forced her to move home and I was unable to go with her). Dating my wife was wonderful, she appeared kind and loving and seemed to be all I was looking for. We dated about 18 months before we were married and did live together prior to marriage. We have one child who is now two years old and is the most precious person in the world to me.

Prior to marriage, I dated quite a few women, some serious, some not. I've slept with 9 women in my life, not a lot compared to some friends, but a lot compared to my wife who had only one other partner prior to me.

PRESENT:
For the past two years its gone downhill and going fast. It started to slow in the first year or two but was very tolerable. So what is going on? Here are the bullet points.

Wife struggling with depression (on meds, somewhat improved)
Suffering from a disorder where she pulls her hair out (and tries to pull mine out as well - this leads to a great number of fights! It F'n hurts like hell and she says she derives pleasure from this crap!)
Nothing I do is right. You name it, I do it wrong.
When she is mad (which is often, see below), she says things like "I hate you", "I don't like you", "Why did I marry you?", etc.
If I ask why she is mad at me, the response is usually "I'm always mad at you - it just a matter of how much".
She often tries to kick me out of bed to sleep on the sofa
She kicks me hard if I am snoring (yes, I do)
She has previously hit me (several different times) when very angry and on several occasions spit at me.
When I confront her about these behaviors the answer is usually "it's just the way I am" and/or "you are the problem, not me".
States she doesn't understand why I love her at all
she has dreams, recurrent, where I leave her but says they are nightmares.
She says she "hates" my family (all of them), but the reasons never make sense to me. She says I'm "just blind" and don't see it. This has lead to a distancing with my siblings and other relatives. She really hates my mother and won't let her in the house at all. AAAAAARGH!
Sometimes states she would like to hurt our child (has not done so) because it would "make me feel better".

I've tried everything I can think of but I am totally frustrated in my marriage. No matter what I do, it's all my fault. Sex is still there and okay - maybe only 2-3 times a month (max) but it is there.

LET'S MAKE MATTER WORSE SHALL WE?
I've never stopped loving my previous love. I knew the day she was forced to leave to go back to the Sweden that I should have gone with her. At first the initial excitement of a new relationship with my wife overshadowed the loss I still felt for this other woman. As every day has passed in our marriage, I have tried to forget her. 5 years of marriage later and she is still present in my heart, a part of it my wife will never see.

Oh wait, it does get more complicated I believe. My Swedish love has not forgotten me either. There have always been innocent "update" emails over the years such as "I'm getting married", "we had a baby", she finished her doctorate degree, she has a new boyfriend/etc., etc. None of which my wife knows about.

She too has had a rough time forgetting me and moving on as well. Over the past year as my wife's behavior worsens it pushed me further to my old love. Over the past month of two we have talked on the phone via VoIP. It is like we never were apart. I am able to open up and share things with her as I never have been able to with my wife. She has always treated me with respect, admiration, love and as an equal partner.

I've always wondered if I married the right woman. Someone I can be partners with in life and love. Yes, I made a selection, but I fear it was a poor selection at this point and everyday it is confirmed.

NOW WHAT?

Part of me says "you made your choice, live with it and make it work" - because SOMETIMES she CAN be wonderful and loving - it's just like Jekyll and Hyde though, you never know who you are going to get or what will cause the sudden change. Happy one minute, I breath wrong and WHAM! Look out!

Part of me fears for my child as well in this scenario. If she hits me (basically abuse) and from my perspective mentally abuses me + has stated she sometimes thinks of hurting our child because it would make her "feel better"....I think I should just end it and end it now for both of our sakes.

I had the thought of leaving my wife prior to any real contact with my Swedish ex. But the feeling has increased since then.

Okay, I'm just plain confused, hurt, scared and feel totally lost. Any words of wisdom?

Thanks!

11-26-2009, 02:47 AM	#1 (permalink)
7176 Registered User Join Date: Nov 2009 Posts: 3	5 years, 1 child and oh, no.... This is my first post here, although I've read a lot over the past weeks on the forum. HISTORY: Married 5 years in upstate NY, we are in our mid to late 30's. Met my wife less than a year after ending a very loving relationship with another woman due to circumstances beyond our control (contract with foreign nation forced her to move home and I was unable to go with her). Dating my wife was wonderful, she appeared kind and loving and seemed to be all I was looking for. We dated about 18 months before we were married and did live together prior to marriage. We have one child who is now two years old and is the most precious person in the world to me. Prior to marriage, I dated quite a few women, some serious, some not. I've slept with 9 women in my life, not a lot compared to some friends, but a lot compared to my wife who had only one other partner prior to me. PRESENT: For the past two years its gone downhill and going fast. It started to slow in the first year or two but was very tolerable. So what is going on? Here are the bullet points. Wife struggling with depression (on meds, somewhat improved) Suffering from a disorder where she pulls her hair out (and tries to pull mine out as well - this leads to a great number of fights! It F'n hurts like hell and she says she derives pleasure from this crap!) Nothing I do is right. You name it, I do it wrong. When she is mad (which is often, see below), she says things like "I hate you", "I don't like you", "Why did I marry you?", etc. If I ask why she is mad at me, the response is usually "I'm always mad at you - it just a matter of how much". She often tries to kick me out of bed to sleep on the sofa She kicks me hard if I am snoring (yes, I do) She has previously hit me (several different times) when very angry and on several occasions spit at me. When I confront her about these behaviors the answer is usually "it's just the way I am" and/or "you are the problem, not me". States she doesn't understand why I love her at all she has dreams, recurrent, where I leave her but says they are nightmares. She says she "hates" my family (all of them), but the reasons never make sense to me. She says I'm "just blind" and don't see it. This has lead to a distancing with my siblings and other relatives. She really hates my mother and won't let her in the house at all. AAAAAARGH! Sometimes states she would like to hurt our child (has not done so) because it would "make me feel better". I've tried everything I can think of but I am totally frustrated in my marriage. No matter what I do, it's all my fault. Sex is still there and okay - maybe only 2-3 times a month (max) but it is there. LET'S MAKE MATTER WORSE SHALL WE? I've never stopped loving my previous love. I knew the day she was forced to leave to go back to the Sweden that I should have gone with her. At first the initial excitement of a new relationship with my wife overshadowed the loss I still felt for this other woman. As every day has passed in our marriage, I have tried to forget her. 5 years of marriage later and she is still present in my heart, a part of it my wife will never see. Oh wait, it does get more complicated I believe. My Swedish love has not forgotten me either. There have always been innocent "update" emails over the years such as "I'm getting married", "we had a baby", she finished her doctorate degree, she has a new boyfriend/etc., etc. None of which my wife knows about. She too has had a rough time forgetting me and moving on as well. Over the past year as my wife's behavior worsens it pushed me further to my old love. Over the past month of two we have talked on the phone via VoIP. It is like we never were apart. I am able to open up and share things with her as I never have been able to with my wife. She has always treated me with respect, admiration, love and as an equal partner. I've always wondered if I married the right woman. Someone I can be partners with in life and love. Yes, I made a selection, but I fear it was a poor selection at this point and everyday it is confirmed. NOW WHAT? Part of me says "you made your choice, live with it and make it work" - because SOMETIMES she CAN be wonderful and loving - it's just like Jekyll and Hyde though, you never know who you are going to get or what will cause the sudden change. Happy one minute, I breath wrong and WHAM! Look out! Part of me fears for my child as well in this scenario. If she hits me (basically abuse) and from my perspective mentally abuses me + has stated she sometimes thinks of hurting our child because it would make her "feel better"....I think I should just end it and end it now for both of our sakes. I had the thought of leaving my wife prior to any real contact with my Swedish ex. But the feeling has increased since then. Okay, I'm just plain confused, hurt, scared and feel totally lost. Any words of wisdom? Thanks!