Talk About Marriage - View Single Post

peacefully · 11-26-2009, 11:09 PM

I have been reading many threads here from men saying that their wives are deeply unhappy, possibly depressed, with low sex drives, poor self esteem, are isolating at home, and pushing people- especially their husbands away.

I've read that the husbands are "supporting" their wives to feel better, to lose weight, to get out of the house, to make friends, etcetera. This advice is all correct and valid, however, from personal experience it does not work.

Telling a depressed person to stop being depressed does not work. Telling them to get help doesn't work- because depressed people are mentally ill. They are in a fog, they can't think clearly. They are generally not thinking about sex, and they are not- while they are depressed- fully aware of the impact they are having on people around them.

I've also seen a lot of advice to pull away from your wives, to make yourself less available, therefore more attractive. I don't understand this?
If your wives are feeling depressed and suffering from low self esteem, how is pulling away or becoming detached going to help them? Is this supposed to scare them into having sex with you?
Wouldn't detaching just make her feel worse, more worthless and more unattractive?
I can understand if you wife was pulling away or going out without you or she starts making herself more attractive, then you'd want to step up and make yourself more attractive to her. However, if she is sad why isolate her further?

If my husband was appearing depressed and withdrawn, I think the last thing I'd do is detach from him.

I do support moving on with your own life and making sure you are healthy while your spouse is going through depression, as depression can be contagious. However, do it for yourself and to be a strong, supportive spouse.

On another note- IMO, if your spouse has moved away from you because they have cheated or dishonored the marriage, then I can really see the need to detach and develop your own life. But do it for you, not to court your cheating spouse.
If you love something, set it free- if you have to manipulate to get them back... I'm not so sure that's the safest bet.

11-26-2009, 11:09 PM	#1 (permalink)
peacefully Member Join Date: Nov 2009 Posts: 43	how to deal with a depressed wife I have been reading many threads here from men saying that their wives are deeply unhappy, possibly depressed, with low sex drives, poor self esteem, are isolating at home, and pushing people- especially their husbands away. I've read that the husbands are "supporting" their wives to feel better, to lose weight, to get out of the house, to make friends, etcetera. This advice is all correct and valid, however, from personal experience it does not work. Telling a depressed person to stop being depressed does not work. Telling them to get help doesn't work- because depressed people are mentally ill. They are in a fog, they can't think clearly. They are generally not thinking about sex, and they are not- while they are depressed- fully aware of the impact they are having on people around them. I've also seen a lot of advice to pull away from your wives, to make yourself less available, therefore more attractive. I don't understand this? If your wives are feeling depressed and suffering from low self esteem, how is pulling away or becoming detached going to help them? Is this supposed to scare them into having sex with you? Wouldn't detaching just make her feel worse, more worthless and more unattractive? I can understand if you wife was pulling away or going out without you or she starts making herself more attractive, then you'd want to step up and make yourself more attractive to her. However, if she is sad why isolate her further? If my husband was appearing depressed and withdrawn, I think the last thing I'd do is detach from him. I do support moving on with your own life and making sure you are healthy while your spouse is going through depression, as depression can be contagious. However, do it for yourself and to be a strong, supportive spouse. On another note- IMO, if your spouse has moved away from you because they have cheated or dishonored the marriage, then I can really see the need to detach and develop your own life. But do it for you, not to court your cheating spouse. If you love something, set it free- if you have to manipulate to get them back... I'm not so sure that's the safest bet. Last edited by peacefully; 11-26-2009 at 11:22 PM.