Talk About Marriage - View Single Post - Why is it he almost always stays with the wife as oppose to the OW?

stupidme · 11-27-2009, 11:01 AM

Sven is so right, see a lawyer and he/she will realize the enormity of the consequences. 4 weeks ago, he confessed and begged for a second chance. Last week, he still said he loved both of us and he choose me, and he's learning to not to miss her.

Well, Monday night, during our fight to release my anger, I told him to get his friend, a lawyer so we can hammer out the divorce.

Tuesday morning: he was desperate and confessed that the last time he slept with her was 2.5 weeks ago, it was like being betrayed a second time. I told him that morning that I finally realized I could walk out of this marriage without any regrets because of so many hurts. He begged again, cried and cried, saying he finally see the light like in life/death situation and realized that I was the best thing that had happened in his life and he cannot let me go. That he would stop all contacts with the OW completely, that she was not worth the pain in his life. He would do anything, anything to fix up our marriage, change his past ways, the way he had treated me.

Wednesday afternoon: We went to see a marriage counsellor on and there were still so much anger in me, I was lashing out at him all day Tuesday and Wednesday morning.

Yesterday (Thursday) morning with so much of my anger gone replaced by intense sadness, I realized he gave everything to that OW last year & I got nothing in return. That he was never attracted to me and yet he was so attracted to her that he could not stay away, even slept with her several times after he had begged me to stay 4 weeks ago. Even after we went away on a trip, I told him of my love for him, of my attraction for him, I gave him my everything and he admitted the trip was like another honeymoon. Yet the day after returning from the trip, he went to break off with that OW and ended up sleeping with her again for the last time 2.5 weeks ago.

I wanted so much to leave the marriage but he said he could not live without me. I told him I would stay to help him to get up on his two feet but I can not deal with intimacy at the moment. He said he will change everything for me. We went again to the marriage counselor in the afternoon and she was astounded by the progress we made, by the change in him, the willingness to promise the world, to try to completely wipe her from his mind because he finally came to terms that she had used him for money, the love he had imagined that she had for him was a great illusion that she had created for him, he finally came out of his sleep.

As of Monday night, we're still sleeping in the same bed but with the big pillow between us so we don't touch each other accidentally, I don't want our kids to suspect anything. He wanted to be intimate but I'm not ready. I know he promised the world yesterday but I cannot bring myself to touch him. He's a very intelligent and convincing person and in his mind, I think he believes we will be intimate very soon. As much as I want to be, I'm held back by his past rejection of me. I know I'm very attractive person but it hurts like hell to finally realize that he was so attracted to her, she was like a drug to him that he could not stay away. He just wants sex because she's not there to provide it for him, just because I'm here, but in reality, he's not attracted to me. I'm sure he will protest to this, that I'm beautiful in his eyes, that he loves me very much and cannot live without me. In a way, I do know that it is true and yet the second betrayal hurt so much that it erases everything that he had recently told me. I want so much to be intimate with him but I cannot.

As for why I cannot walk away, I know he treated me very badly in the past but now he's in such a mental state, I cannot walk away. I have to be here to help him up, to support him. Had he been a stable and strong person at the moment, yes, I know I would have walked away with no regrets regardless of how much I love him. I would have walked away because of the rejection and hurt he had caused me because I don't ever want to go through that again. So yes, I'm am staying for him, helping him up, trying to work out my situation, trying to cope with my depression.

11-27-2009, 11:01 AM	#6 (permalink)
stupidme Registered User Join Date: Nov 2009 Posts: 29	Re: Why is it he almost always stays with the wife as oppose to the OW? Sven is so right, see a lawyer and he/she will realize the enormity of the consequences. 4 weeks ago, he confessed and begged for a second chance. Last week, he still said he loved both of us and he choose me, and he's learning to not to miss her. Well, Monday night, during our fight to release my anger, I told him to get his friend, a lawyer so we can hammer out the divorce. Tuesday morning: he was desperate and confessed that the last time he slept with her was 2.5 weeks ago, it was like being betrayed a second time. I told him that morning that I finally realized I could walk out of this marriage without any regrets because of so many hurts. He begged again, cried and cried, saying he finally see the light like in life/death situation and realized that I was the best thing that had happened in his life and he cannot let me go. That he would stop all contacts with the OW completely, that she was not worth the pain in his life. He would do anything, anything to fix up our marriage, change his past ways, the way he had treated me. Wednesday afternoon: We went to see a marriage counsellor on and there were still so much anger in me, I was lashing out at him all day Tuesday and Wednesday morning. Yesterday (Thursday) morning with so much of my anger gone replaced by intense sadness, I realized he gave everything to that OW last year & I got nothing in return. That he was never attracted to me and yet he was so attracted to her that he could not stay away, even slept with her several times after he had begged me to stay 4 weeks ago. Even after we went away on a trip, I told him of my love for him, of my attraction for him, I gave him my everything and he admitted the trip was like another honeymoon. Yet the day after returning from the trip, he went to break off with that OW and ended up sleeping with her again for the last time 2.5 weeks ago. I wanted so much to leave the marriage but he said he could not live without me. I told him I would stay to help him to get up on his two feet but I can not deal with intimacy at the moment. He said he will change everything for me. We went again to the marriage counselor in the afternoon and she was astounded by the progress we made, by the change in him, the willingness to promise the world, to try to completely wipe her from his mind because he finally came to terms that she had used him for money, the love he had imagined that she had for him was a great illusion that she had created for him, he finally came out of his sleep. As of Monday night, we're still sleeping in the same bed but with the big pillow between us so we don't touch each other accidentally, I don't want our kids to suspect anything. He wanted to be intimate but I'm not ready. I know he promised the world yesterday but I cannot bring myself to touch him. He's a very intelligent and convincing person and in his mind, I think he believes we will be intimate very soon. As much as I want to be, I'm held back by his past rejection of me. I know I'm very attractive person but it hurts like hell to finally realize that he was so attracted to her, she was like a drug to him that he could not stay away. He just wants sex because she's not there to provide it for him, just because I'm here, but in reality, he's not attracted to me. I'm sure he will protest to this, that I'm beautiful in his eyes, that he loves me very much and cannot live without me. In a way, I do know that it is true and yet the second betrayal hurt so much that it erases everything that he had recently told me. I want so much to be intimate with him but I cannot. As for why I cannot walk away, I know he treated me very badly in the past but now he's in such a mental state, I cannot walk away. I have to be here to help him up, to support him. Had he been a stable and strong person at the moment, yes, I know I would have walked away with no regrets regardless of how much I love him. I would have walked away because of the rejection and hurt he had caused me because I don't ever want to go through that again. So yes, I'm am staying for him, helping him up, trying to work out my situation, trying to cope with my depression.