BrokenFrag

Thank you all for your support.

I truly wish I could believe in karma, or divine retribution, or whatever balance the universe might have. But I have never had strong faith, and it has been shaken even further.

I have tried so hard for my whole life to be the best person I could be. I honored my parents, I took care of my younger sister, I have been a loyal, reliable friend, I was a dedicated husband, and I have yet to see the fruits of my labor. Perhaps expecting a better life in return for my actions is where I go wrong. I am human, though. I like to see results. If only the selfish, hurtful people get what they want, usually at the expense of good people like me, what kind of lesson is life trying to teach me?

When do I get my reward? Do I really have to wait until the next life if there is one? To my knowledge, I only have one life to live, and I have tried to live it by the noblest of principles. It is over a third over and I am being forced to start completely over.

I guess I am just down right now. I am alone, in pain, and it hurts so much that it was caused by the woman I was prepared to love forever. She almost gloated this morning when I spoke with her about how little impact there has been for her. I originally thought that her boss was in trouble and that her lover was in danger of losing his job. Neither was true. The only thing that she has suffered is a little bit of embarrassment when people found out.

I miss having someone to come home to. I miss having someone to share life with. I want so badly to find what I thought I had, but I don't trust that I will be able to do that. It took me 8 years and an incredible amount of heartbreak to learn what kind of person my wife truly was. I do not want to make a mistake again, but I am also terrified of being alone for the rest of my life.

I actually had a tarot reading done because I have felt so unlucky for quite some time and I haven't been able to find answers. It nailed me dead on when describing my past and my present. My past was full of regret, apprehension, and rejection. My present is full of loss, betrayal, and confusion. My future has money, business, and energy. No mention of love or happiness. In fact, the summary indicated that I was in such an unfruitful place that I might actually have a curse on me. Now usually, I never believe in that stuff, but it rang so true that I am starting to believe it could be.

Sigh. Maybe I am not destined to be happy. If the tarot is true, at least I will have money and success so I can at least distract myself until I die. But, I would rather live a short life full of love than a long time without it.

Take care, all. You are such good people. I hope that if there is strife in your life or you are in an unpleasant situation that you find your way out. Maybe it is my lot in life to absorb other people's bad karma so that they can live a happy life. Maybe I helped my wife find happiness that I was striving for by getting her to this stage in her life and leading her to her lover. Maybe I did succeed, just not in the way I had envisioned. Not everyone can be happy, right?