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cao428 · 06-28-2008, 01:09 AM

Hello LostandAlone,

You are right about that. What the counselor said was that if they are out on their own because you have drawn the line and will not accept their lies and deceipt anymore, that they will reconsider and understand what they are losing and only then come to remorse.

I did not heed her advice so now I am in limbo and only hearing more lies. I know my husband was cheating because he was working in China for a year, making good money. I went to visit him with my daughter and he "was different" to me. I sensed it, and later I found a photo in his wallet hidden under his license of a younge Chinese woman (20 years old..he is 53) I found many other signs as well but the biggest thing was the way he was responding to me in the bedroom...no interest and avoiding intamacy. It was a big change from the usual for a sexually active man through the whole 26 years together.

LIES:

The morning after I confronted him with the photo and a piece of paper in his wallet I had found with the writing on it "dream touching your face sleeping on my bosom" and her phone number on the other side, I asked him to burn it in front of me. He responded that I took it the night before...so it disappeared and he lied as I didn't take them. (I SHOULD have...what an idiot!)

A week later after telling me he would agree to work on the marriage he sent her a $200 VISA card (I caught him by finding the receipts for her address sent by DHL and the VISA card purchase) He told me it was to close up his office over there and ship things back (fax machine, laptop, clothes) which he promised me he would do because I told him if he ever went to China again we would be done. He said she did things for him, (I BET she did!) and he thought I would go nuts and so was avoiding a confrontation.. (he had a makeshift office for a business he started) He then told me the VISA card he sent her was a "temporary" one and that he had the "permanent" one. I then checked at the place he purchased it since I saw the receipts and there is no such thing...a VISA gift card is just that...no temp card with it.

So after him promising me to be a changed husband and "start fresh" with the marriage, I am starting on lies. The therapist, and a very experienced one I must add said he has been living two lives. I have been working on changing myself and have always been a good wife I feel. But I am not perfect by any means and know I can change, and that there is always two sides. I feel I must have done something wrong to have this happen, but where he travels all of the time for his work, it is not healthy for the marriage.
Now I am questioning whether he is really breaking it off with her because he sent her this money, and with the last lie I think it was just another one on top of another.

06-28-2008, 01:09 AM	#3 (permalink)
cao428 Member Join Date: Jun 2008 Location: North East USA Posts: 141	Re: What to do when they won't come clean? Hello LostandAlone, You are right about that. What the counselor said was that if they are out on their own because you have drawn the line and will not accept their lies and deceipt anymore, that they will reconsider and understand what they are losing and only then come to remorse. I did not heed her advice so now I am in limbo and only hearing more lies. I know my husband was cheating because he was working in China for a year, making good money. I went to visit him with my daughter and he "was different" to me. I sensed it, and later I found a photo in his wallet hidden under his license of a younge Chinese woman (20 years old..he is 53) I found many other signs as well but the biggest thing was the way he was responding to me in the bedroom...no interest and avoiding intamacy. It was a big change from the usual for a sexually active man through the whole 26 years together. LIES: The morning after I confronted him with the photo and a piece of paper in his wallet I had found with the writing on it "dream touching your face sleeping on my bosom" and her phone number on the other side, I asked him to burn it in front of me. He responded that I took it the night before...so it disappeared and he lied as I didn't take them. (I SHOULD have...what an idiot!) A week later after telling me he would agree to work on the marriage he sent her a $200 VISA card (I caught him by finding the receipts for her address sent by DHL and the VISA card purchase) He told me it was to close up his office over there and ship things back (fax machine, laptop, clothes) which he promised me he would do because I told him if he ever went to China again we would be done. He said she did things for him, (I BET she did!) and he thought I would go nuts and so was avoiding a confrontation.. (he had a makeshift office for a business he started) He then told me the VISA card he sent her was a "temporary" one and that he had the "permanent" one. I then checked at the place he purchased it since I saw the receipts and there is no such thing...a VISA gift card is just that...no temp card with it. So after him promising me to be a changed husband and "start fresh" with the marriage, I am starting on lies. The therapist, and a very experienced one I must add said he has been living two lives. I have been working on changing myself and have always been a good wife I feel. But I am not perfect by any means and know I can change, and that there is always two sides. I feel I must have done something wrong to have this happen, but where he travels all of the time for his work, it is not healthy for the marriage. Now I am questioning whether he is really breaking it off with her because he sent her this money, and with the last lie I think it was just another one on top of another.