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Originally Posted by cao428
Hello LostandAlone,
You are right about that. What the counselor said was that if they are out on their own because you have drawn the line and will not accept their lies and deceit anymore, that they will reconsider and understand what they are losing and only then come to remorse.
I did not heed her advice so now I am in limbo and only hearing more lies.
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This is so hard. From what I'm reading you and I sound very much alike in how we deal with our spouses and ourselves. It's true that the only way they will understand what they are losing is to actually face the reality of losing it however, for people like you and me it's just so hard to take the chance of being the one to send them away. In my case separation isn't really an option so my only choice is to start the divorce process and hope that is the taste of reality she needs. To be honest it probably wouldn't bother her if we could separate because then she would be free to carry the affair without anyone looking over her shoulder. The same may be true with your husband.
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I found many other signs as well but the biggest thing was the way he was responding to me in the bedroom...no interest and avoiding intimacy. It was a big change from the usual for a sexually active man through the whole 26 years together.
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I again can relate. Loss of intimacy is almost always a symptom of someone having an affair. Even when my wife is affectionate it seems forced. Basically their intimate feelings are currently with someone else. It stinks but makes sense that it would happen.
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I told him if he ever went to China again we would be done.
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I told myself the same thing, that if my wife ever went back to the state where he lives that would be it.....but now she has started dropping hints that her sister who lives in the same state as him keeps bothering her to go and visit. I am sure she would use it as an opportunity to see him and most likely consummate the affair if they didn't already however, now I am thinking that the only way for this to end is for her to be away from me which she never likes and hopefully see that he's not all she's built him up to be. Not to mention a lot of guilt thrown in. Unfortunately for both you and I, this may be our only chance to save the marriage however it will be damn near impossible to sit by and let it happen.
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The therapist, and a very experienced one I must add said he has been living two lives.
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I think that is part of the excitement people get from having an affair.
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I have been working on changing myself and have always been a good wife I feel. But I am not perfect by any means and know I can change, and that there is always two sides. I feel I must have done something wrong to have this happen
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This is where we are even more similar. My wife like most people having an affair try to push the blame on to the other person. This makes them feel less guilty and makes you stop focusing on their behavior. The truth is no one is perfect and there is no one to blame but them. This is a hard one for me because I know I'm not a perfect husband and like to take the blame because then I have some control, but the truth is that there is only 1 person responsible for the affair and that is them. Did we maybe make them vulnerable to one? Probably but it was their choice alone to stray from the marriage and they know it.
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Now I am questioning whether he is really breaking it off with her because he sent her this money, and with the last lie I think it was just another one on top of another.
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My wife has never admitted to the affair, she uses the "just friends" lie and "he lives 2000 miles away, what am I going to do" cover. Regardless of how obvious it is that there is much more to it, if you can't 100% prove it they will exploit that to their advantage.
I am not the best person for giving advice on this topic as I have not been able to stay strong and do what I know I have to however, I can say truthfully that as long as the other man or woman only exist through phone calls, emails or text messages, they will stay perfect in our spouses minds while we in our anger and sadness "push them away"
Good luck cao428, keep us updated.