david_h15

Hi! Although I posted a while back about our marriage situation, I'll give a brief synopsis of what was going on and where we are at today. Very early this year, my wife of 9 years told me she was unhappy and thinking that we should possibly get a divorce and just be friends since she just didn't know anymore if we were meant for each other. She told me then that her mind had emotionally detached from the marriage and that she was tired of trying to make the marriage better and didn't want to try anymore. I did find out why she had started backing away from our marriage and I worked to improve myself and make our marriage better. Other than a couple of issues (like taking her opinion into account when making a decision and trying to work as a team and getting out more), our marriage is very low in conflict. She has acknowledged on a couple of occasions that she sees how I have changed and she says although it is good, she claims it is too late. On several occasions when we discuss our relationship, she says that she "is broke" and doesn't believe that she can be fixed. Right now my wife is trying to make a little effort the best/only way she knows she can do right now. We are back to going out frequently, having date nights, doing fun stuff together, and talking more about anything and everything. Aside from a small hug/kiss in the morning before we leave for work, there hasn't been any increase in touch or affection. Even with doing more stuff together over the past couple of months, she says that she's still not feeling any type of emotional connection coming back. And she doesn't know what she can do that she would be comfortable with to try to get the connection back. She has mentioned several times that she feels extremely guilty about how she's hurting me but since the connection isn't coming back at all yet, she feels that divorce may be the only option. I do know the guilt is eating at her so much sometimes that she likes to have time alone to be able to cry. She has a couple of friends who have divorced recently and although their situations are different, her friends claim that divorcing was good for them. So she has gotten that opinion in her mind that the grass may be greener on the other side.

We've read some books and online sites that talk about just doing the actions (like being touchy/feely or having sex) even if you don't feel like it to try to get the connection back...But she is worried if we have sex again (It's been about a year) or is really touchy/feely and the connection is not there at the start that she'll feel bad about herself afterwards for doing it, especially if it doesn't build any kind of emotional connection. And she is worried about what it would do to me if she tries really hard but just can't get the spark in our marriage back. So I guess we're trying to see if anyone has any ideas how to go about rebuilding that emotional connection again? Or is doing the actions like I mentioned above about the only way to try to get it back? Part of what is frustrating to her too is not knowing how long she would have to try to start getting the connection back if it is going to come back. She's read where the vast majority of people who don't divorce when they are unhappy will be happy again within 5 years. But she doesn't want to be unhappy for 5 years and I don't want that either. If anyone has any experience with getting the emotional connection back or has any suggestions or ideas, please let us know. Thanks!