Miserable

Here is the problem with asking him to leave. The house was originally his. Although it is now in both of our names, he built it way before he met me. And, his mother lives next door. So that would not go over very well. That is another part of this that really bothers me. I really care about his family. They are like my family in many ways. I really don't want to lose them but I know that I will if we get divorced. Especially his mother. She will be so upset that she will not forgive me. I also don't want to get into why we would be separating, and I am so afraid things will come out that would hurt them. I don't want that. I just want to be loved and to be a part of someones life who wants me to be a part of it. I don't want to feel so left out and alone. I don't want to continue to feel this anger and resentment any longer. I want someone who will at least try to communicate with me. Someone who will put our relationship at least toward the top of the list. And that is not going to happen here. I know that. I just have to decide if I can live with it or not, and I don't know if I can. I know that if I leave I will be lonely, but for some reason, being lonely in a house with the man you love, and not being loved back, is worse than being alone. I lhave lost more and more of myself over the years. Doubting myself more and more as time went on. Wondering what is wrong with me that makes him not love me. It has worsened my self esteem issues. My first spouse was very mentally and physically abusive and that destroyed my already low self esteem, but I thought that things would be so different. I am not putting all the blame on him. I don't mean to make it sound that way. I know that my self esteem issues are part of the problem. But how can I feel better about myself when my husband does not love me or want to touch me or hold me or kiss me? How can you feel good about yourself when you are basically abandoned by your spouse in your own home? He says he loves me and I think in some ways he does. I love him too. But we are not In Love. They say if you can imagine your life without your spouse/partner and it does not break your heart, then it is time to go. Well, I can't really imagine my life without him, but I do want to alot of the time. I think if I lived on my own and we could just be friends that maybe we could see where it went from there. I don't really have hopes that it would get better, but who knows. I can't imagine it getting better like it is. I also worry because it is such a small town that things would eventually come out, out of hurt and anger, that would hurt us both. There are things I don't want his family or mine to know about our lives. I just don't know where to turn. We can't afford counseling and have tried it before and I don't think he listened to them anymore than he does me. He is just not good at communication. He just wants to work and pretend like things will be ok. His mother has talked about her relationship with his father who passed when he was 19 and I don't think they were at all romantic. He was a hard worker and a good provider, but they did not go out on dates and they did not do things together. But she remarried and her second husband who I knew, was very romantic and spoiled her. But Stan was already an adult and did not really get to see that. So I think alot of it has to do with that. Sex was never talked about either. They were a very conservative family. So when he got married and his first wife ended up cheating on him, it sent him into a whirlwind. He was a mess according to his family. Had to go to counseling to recover. Then he went back to college and started hanging out with college kids and going to strip clubs etc. When I met him, he was still doing that some, but not much. But I think somewhere in there he cracked and his reality is split. He thinks you are either non-sexual or you are living a fantasy, no in between. No romance, just sex. And once he realized the fantasy was over, he just gave up sex. But I am no doctor, so what do I know right. Anyway, thanks for your support. I don't know what I am going to do, I just know that I do not want to make the wrong decision and hurt my kids if I don't have to. He is great with them and I could leave them with him, but I don't really have any friends that I would trust and don't care about going out. I think we have both put everthing we have into our married life, work, kids etc and don't really have outside lives and that may be part of the problem. I will give that some thought. Thanks again. Your advice is much appreciated.

Marie