| | My Wife Has Been Gone 4-1/2 Months!! HELP
Hi Ė My wife moved out 4-1/2 months ago after 5 years of marriage. Weíve been together 10 years. Iím completely devastated and an emotional mess. Iím 45 & my wife is 36. We started counseling in September. Initially I suggest it but my wife didnít want to go but in mid September she decided to give it a try. It hasnít been helping at all. Iím still going on my own but now my wife refuses to go anymore. We have said that we were going to try and patch things up and mend our ways several times but we havenít been able to maintain any momentum and longest period of time weíve actually tried to right things is about 2 weeks at which point my wife (and I to a certain degree) give up and she says itís over. This has happened 3 or 4 times since August. We both still love each other deeply and are best friends but due to various circumstances there is a huge distance between us that seems to be no hope of closing. A few days ago my wife basically said that was our last try and she wants a divorce.
Our troubles started 2 years ago. My wife had a one night stand with a co-worker while I was away on business. 2 years ago when this happened she told me it was just a kiss and nothing else and I believed her. In September just before she asked to start counseling she finally came clean and told me what actually happened. They had sex. I was floored that it took her more than 2 years to finally tell truth and she was very sorry and told me thatís when she started having doubts about our marriage. We were living apart quite a bit then because of her work & my work and undoubtedly that was a contributing factor to her having an affair. I know she is very sorry but she wonít forgive herself for letting this happen. I have forgiven her, I know for sure now I have in my heart but she will not forgiven herself. I also made things worse but confronting this person after a night of drinking and me feeling very depressed. This type of behavior is not typically for me. Anyway I made an ass of myself by confronting this person, my wife forgave me and then we said we would attempt things again. That lasted about 3 weeks. Iím doing my best to not push her and take things at her pace but now she says she loves me but doesnít feel ďitĒ when weíre close. We havenít been intimate since she left home but Iíve stayed with her several nights, holding each other and trying to rekindle the flame. Another issue (this is a long story) was that we had been trying to get pregnant from August of 2008 to July of 2009. We then started going down the IVF path. We had already made 3 visits to the clinic for orientation, etc and we were scheduled to start IVF about 1 week before she left. Because of the difficulties in getting pregnant we both were stressed and at times the sex became like work and wasnít enjoyable. It was a very difficult time for both of us. I had a difficult time coming to grips with my own lack of fertility.
I am now doing my best to give my wife space again for a few weeks hoping she may have a change of heart but at this point Iím wondering how much more in limbo I can handle. Iím terribly stressed and feel desperate. I have conveyed this desperation to my wife several times. I know I shouldnít do this and that Iím giving away my power and self-esteem but at times my emotions get the best of me. I do know we still love each other and are best friends but my marriage is hanging by a thread and I really donít know what to do. Normally Iím a very relaxed person and have very little stress in my life but the last 4 and a bit months I have been feeling horrible with the stress. Weíre both professional people and my wife has a very high stress job which only makes things worse at times. Iím completely lost and really donít want to lose my wife but it seems inevitable. HELP???