BlueCreek

Man, I feel for you I really do. Reading your post is like looking in a mirror. I did all those same things with the same results. You know the definition of insanity though, don't you? Doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result. I can't count the times I told my wife how important it was to me, how rejected and lonely I felt. And I can't count the times I heard "you can't expect it to always be like it was in the beginning" or "the more you talk about it the less I want to do it." She knew it was important to me, but she just could not see sex as anything but an itch I needed to scratch and she couldn't help it if she didn't feel up to it.

For me I think what helped change her was the fact that I said flat out she hadn't met my emotional need for years and that I was miserable for so long just shocked her (I'm not quite sure why, like I said, I'd talked it over with her enough times.) But for whatever the reason, that was the catalyst I used to get her to read a couple of books that really helped open her up further to understand the importance of it in our marriage and that she needed to make a change for us no matter what. I don't think it is possible for her to understand why it is important to me, she just can't "feel" it, but she can accept that it is critical to my happiness and our marriage.

I'm not a fan of the old ultimatum, but unless you want to go through a lifetime of your emotional needs not being met, I do feel like you need to let her know in no uncertain terms right now that she needs to open her ears and listen with her heart to what you are saying. I still say she doesn't get it, if she did really understand, she would know that your happiness would depend on her making the effort.

She needs to see that it's not about anything physical. It is about emotion and people have different emotional needs. She needs to accept that your love life is every bit as important to your happiness as you treating her and her child with respect is to her. People are different, people require different expressions of love to be fulfilled and it's not a guy/girl thing. Different isn't wrong, it isn't incompatible, it's just different. And each of you need to understand what is most important to each other to feel loved and make it it priority of your life together to make each other happy how the other needs it most. She may do a dozen things to show you her love in her way through out the week, but if what you need most is ignored for weeks on end, you still end up feeling unloved and unwanted. If she knows that your emotional happiness and sanity are depending of a fulfilling love life yet is unwilling to compromise in any way, then you unfortunately might have your answer on what to do right there. Take it from a man who has been there, it is hard shaking off the rejection and hurt year after year and as strong as you are, it filters down into affecting your marriage no matter how committed you are and how much you love your fiance/wife.

The other thing that is important to understand is that for people with lower libido, desire is about being "in the mood" first. Hence the laundry list of requirements that need to be met before being "in the mood" and "possibly" being ready to try something. It has to be a non-work or non-school night, the kid has to have been bed on time, she has to have had a relaxing non stressed day, you have to have been actively wooing her all week and slowly building the interest all day, you have to have talked a bit first and there can't be anything left undone by the end of the day to take her mind away....and on and on. In the end there are so many rules that have to be met first to even allow for a chance for "the mood" to occur that it rarely does. Yet often when such people are able to finally start making love, they find their desire is right there. The trick for people like that is not to wait for the mood to drive the intimacy, but just make the effort to start being intimate and let that drive and build the desire and mood. Make a plan and stick to it regardless and with out fail. As my wife continued to make more and more time for us in bed, the easier she found it for her to set aside all the thousand things crowding her head and relax and eventually look forward to it.

When there is such a large disparity with ANY two emotional needs between two people it really is important for each to work hard to understand and compromise. If you can't, you can still make a marriage work, but it won't be near as strong and equal a marriage as it could be and for the one that is feeling like something major is lacking...resentment, frustration, and hurt seeps in deep and is hard to shake.