Talk About Marriage - View Single Post - Out in the Cold
Thread: Out in the Cold
View Single Post
post #1 of (permalink) Old 12-08-2009, 09:15 AM Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: In a house, or in a clinic.
Posts: 660
Out in the Cold

Is it the norm for the spouse who had the affair to feel uncomfortable with any sort of physical contact with the spouse who did not? I am not speaking of sex necessarily, I am also talking about hugging or even holding hands.

Physical contact is hugely important to me. Touch is the primary way I receive love, and she is well aware of this. I equate this refusal with cruelty if not outright abuse. Morally, I am incapable of adultery, so going outside my marriage is not an option. She knows this, and for some perverted reason, perceives this decency as weakness.

I met my wife when I was a teenager, and I've only been with her. She had a "history" before me, and has always been a little more cavalier with her affection. Until recently though, she had always remained faithful.

It was obvious when things began, as I am generally a very perceptive man. I could forgive a single transgression, but I cannot wrap myself around serial adultery. She of course denies everything despite, a neighbors wife coming to my clinic and telling me of my wife's affair with her husband, and various intercepted e-mails.

I feel I am being pressed to file for divorce, so she can declare to her legions of friends that it was I, her arrogant and workaholic husband, that left the union. I personally could care less what her friends think. My concerns are about how my family and my God view me, nothing more.

She has said all of the typical "BS" about how she cares about me, and that I'm a good person. To me this is the verbal equivalent of "she has a nice personality". I am tired of being rejected by my wife, especially when she has obviously accepted others.

What really pisses me off, is I have seen these men. Physically and mentally they aren't impressive. I would have hoped she would at least have tried to "trade up". Instead she went slumming. Is it normal for women to "cheat down"? I know it's attention she was seeking, but WTF woman have some dignity.

I am a martial artist, and have been for years. I find the vigorous training cathartic and it helps clear my mind so I can perform better in a stressful profession. In my opinion, it hurts less to be kicked in the head than it does to be "pushed away" from my wife. I am so conflicted now because part of me views her as sullied and repulsive. I know she senses this. She too is perceptive.

I am a very good looking man. I am very physically fit. I am a professional. I make a low six figure salary. I have worked my @ss of for my family so we could have nice things and she could stay home. Yes, I work a lot, but it's the norm for my profession, and the price of success.

I am not rationalizing, I am just lost at what I missed. She even sarcastically calls me "perfect" when we fight. I guess this is supposed to get at "my perception of me", but I am the first to admit that I'm flawed. The big difference between us is that when I perceive a flaw, I strive to fix it, she just embraces her imperfections.

I know I'm just rambling at this point, and I know I need to move on with my life. However, she is the first person that I loved, and I am still enamored with the person that she was. Occasionally, I still see glimpses of that person, and they are more precious to me than diamonds.

For anyone reading this post that has been cheated on, can you relate to any of the above? For anyone reading this post who has cheated on their spouse, from the limited information you've been given, where was I culpable in this? Finally, how does one resolve the trust issues to be able to move forward into a new relationship with some level of emotional health? LIL

Last edited by lastinline; 12-08-2009 at 02:00 PM.
lastinline is offline  
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome