Racer

In my mind, the backing you up really depends on what it is and whether he supports it or not. This is one of my soon to be exwife’s issues. She expects that I will back her up on almost everything. I most certainly do not, but unless I am strongly opposed, I won’t argue against her. I’ll respect that she has an opinion, but I most certainly do not have to support it. It’s a two way street here. From my perspective, it’s like she always has to be right about everything and I am not allowed or respected for having a different opinion. Sometimes, she does make crazy decisions and I do see part of my responsibility as a husband/father as tempering. Some things too are just not worth not backing her on, particularly some of the minor parenting things; my example is when the kid won’t eat what’s made, I disagree that we should make something special that he will eat, but won’t step in if she goes into the kitchen to get him something.

This backing up thing is one of the things that killed my marriage too. When something big happens, you need to deal with it as a team. Sometimes, like in my case, our opinions on how to deal with it are so far apart, there will be no agreement. So, there was no satisfying outcome for either of us and very deep resentments were planted. I assumed my wife was like me; I understand we won’t always agree, therefore a disagreement of opinion is not a meter to judge the overall impression of the condition of the marriage or our commitment to it. But my wife’s perspective was that this event showed how little I thought of her and how I never support her emotionally. She’s nailed herself to that cross that I’m not there for her when she needs me most. It has been brought up over and over through the years as to why we have a bad relationship. All because where she saw child abuse/felony molestation, I saw two five years olds playing doctor that certainly didn’t warrant her emotionally abusing our son with weeks of inquisition that finally resulted in me dragging her physically out of his room when she was describing oral sex to him to elicit a confession. He would cry night after night because of the shame she laid on him. I could not stand for it. So I did become abusive toward her and forced her into personal counciling because I felt, and still feel, what she was doing was more abusive to him than anything else that happened. That was the turning point in our marriage. I made a choice to save my son from her issues (and force both of them into counciling); intentionally and irrevocably damaged our marriage. She obviously never got over it, nor have I.