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After dealing with this for over a year now I am hurting inside all the time and feel like I can't explain it to anyone... We are so far from family and friends, and he acts totally different when we around other people so no one notices it. I'm beginning to feel like I am not worth loving and its killing me inside. Does anyone else's husband do this to them?
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Yup. Me. My husband is angry...that's just the way he is. Once he gets angry at...basically anything...he feels the need to manifest that anger. I'm the closest thing around. Since he knows me, he knows what pushes my buttons. I've known this since I married him and I accept it (since I chose to be with him). It's just the way he is.
He loved me so much exactly because i could understand how his anger came from somewhere else, how words he said when he was angry were just words and had nothing to do with what he really thought about me....hence everytime he started with 'insults' i'd just be bratty and laugh it off. He'd snap out of anger in 10 minutes and love me even more. He'd love me so much because I was the ONE woman who accepted him as he was and was strong enough to cope with him.
Obviously, in time, that and other problems in life made me feel weak. I started responding how you are now, by crying, feeling abandoned, thinking that if he loved me he should care and console me. But that went in contradiction with his beliefs (that people should take care of their own selves and be strong enough to NOT need that help).
He too found me pathetic when i reacted like that. The more he said that the more I'd thought i'd loose him and he'd leave (ironic isn't it?
) ). So...at one point i figured, ok, but if he does leave, how will i take care of my own self if i feel so weak? And why do i have to rely on someone to feel confident? So...slowly but surely i started toughing up, smiling at his anger again, being bratty again. Slowly but surely he started being affectionate and loving again, and the arguements almost disapeared. He even went as far as to say that 'You really deserve being treated like a princess for how nice and supportive you've been of me lately and what you put up with from me'.
This from the guy that would look at me crying and start yelling at me and being angry.
Why? Because I gained his respect back ...as a strong woman that can handle him. Back in the day when i'd let his behaviour so much i was weak and not what he fell in love with. What he was angry and dissapointed with was that i let myself be so affected by what he did and said. Get it? He kept doing it in an attempt to toughen me up. I was yelling for a hug and he was thinking that if he gives it to me he'd encourage me to feel week and helpless.
Marriage is balance. The balance in yours went to hell. Figure out how you were when you were happy with him and go back to that attitude. In the end, we all need to be strong and take care of our own selves. It doesn't justify
his behaviour but it's a choice you have to make and it will make YOU happy. And you, at the moment, are being way too affected by what he does or sais. I bet somewhere deep down you know that. This is if you think you can deal with his hard to handle nature and still want to be married. Otherwise, if you want a more docile and nice man, just bail out. Good luck.
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Originally Posted by recent_cloud  one last point: when he acts differently, that is, politely, considerate, etc, when in company he's demonstrating he knows how to act politely and considerate, he just refuses to act that way with you |
And that's because you don't have his respect...because you're being weak. Yes, it sounds sad to you maybe that you have to go through this alone, but once you understand that it's just feelings and words...why do you let feelings and words hurt you so much?
