Talk About Marriage - View Single Post - Time and dedication needed to turn around marriage

Dancing Nancie · 07-03-2008, 01:28 PM

And that's what really makes it difficult when both aren't equally committed. The one that feels more committed is easily upset and, as you said, frustrated that the other doesn't take it as seriously. You can easily start to pressure your spouse, but then that often back fires because NO ONE likes to be pressured into changing. And the slower they move, the less incentive you have to work on it yourself. It really is an easy catch-22 to fall into.

I think for me the first month was the hardest. I was dying for things to change ASAP and nothing seemed to happen. In that first month I vacillated back and forth between working hard on it and moping around when my wife kept putting our goals aside when anything important (i.e. what seemed like everything) came up. I had to fight hard to strike that delicate balance between pressuring her and reminding her that change was needed, because if I had just left her alone I'm not entirely convinced she would have worked on it at all. But I was mostly successful. I sat down with her once a week to acknowledge improvements, but point out where nothing had changed, and left her alone the rest of the week. Most importantly I tried hardest to work on myself in at least some small way, refusing to let my wife's slower transition to affect my duty to improving myself. .[/quote]

I would be very satisfied with a situation similar to this. She has said previously that she is willing to work on things, and do some reading etc... Every two weeks or so after her not keeping those promises, I try and tell her about that. These always turn into arguments. We don't have the skills to tell each other when we are having feelings of anger, frustration, or bitterness. Which has been a main point in trying to work on our communication issues. This cycle has put us in a position where I am pushing her to work on things. She withdraws and thinks things will never get better.

I do think I am putting more commitment into "fixing" our communication issues. I do get easily upset, and this is the main reason. She gets quick to point out that things will never get better, and the more time I see go by with no effort to make things better the more frustrated I get. This is something I know I should not do, and makes things worse.

Did you take stock of what you needed/wanted to work on? What kind of activities did you do to work on those issues? Can you go into a little detail about what kind of things that you would go over in your weekly talks?

Thanks very much for your reply!

07-03-2008, 01:28 PM	#6 (permalink)
Dancing Nancie Member Join Date: Jul 2008 Posts: 144	Re: Time and dedication needed to turn around marriage And that's what really makes it difficult when both aren't equally committed. The one that feels more committed is easily upset and, as you said, frustrated that the other doesn't take it as seriously. You can easily start to pressure your spouse, but then that often back fires because NO ONE likes to be pressured into changing. And the slower they move, the less incentive you have to work on it yourself. It really is an easy catch-22 to fall into. I think for me the first month was the hardest. I was dying for things to change ASAP and nothing seemed to happen. In that first month I vacillated back and forth between working hard on it and moping around when my wife kept putting our goals aside when anything important (i.e. what seemed like everything) came up. I had to fight hard to strike that delicate balance between pressuring her and reminding her that change was needed, because if I had just left her alone I'm not entirely convinced she would have worked on it at all. But I was mostly successful. I sat down with her once a week to acknowledge improvements, but point out where nothing had changed, and left her alone the rest of the week. Most importantly I tried hardest to work on myself in at least some small way, refusing to let my wife's slower transition to affect my duty to improving myself. .[/quote] I would be very satisfied with a situation similar to this. She has said previously that she is willing to work on things, and do some reading etc... Every two weeks or so after her not keeping those promises, I try and tell her about that. These always turn into arguments. We don't have the skills to tell each other when we are having feelings of anger, frustration, or bitterness. Which has been a main point in trying to work on our communication issues. This cycle has put us in a position where I am pushing her to work on things. She withdraws and thinks things will never get better. I do think I am putting more commitment into "fixing" our communication issues. I do get easily upset, and this is the main reason. She gets quick to point out that things will never get better, and the more time I see go by with no effort to make things better the more frustrated I get. This is something I know I should not do, and makes things worse. Did you take stock of what you needed/wanted to work on? What kind of activities did you do to work on those issues? Can you go into a little detail about what kind of things that you would go over in your weekly talks? Thanks very much for your reply!