Talk About Marriage - View Single Post

MrJoshua · 07-03-2008, 09:57 PM

Hi everyone, I've been a long time reader, first time poster, on these forums and a lot of what I have read here has inspired me to try and resolve some of my own relationship problems. Let me firstly say that I'm 32 years old, happily married for about 7 years now to my lovely wife of 31, and we have 2 children: a 5 year old and a new born. I am absolutely in love with my wife and have been throughout the relationship, however I have at times felt the feeling from her was not mutual. We get along well, never fight, do things together, laugh and have fun, and overall have a great relationship, but there has always been something missing and It's only recently that I understand what it is.

Sex for us has always been very rare. It's the classic case of my wife never wanting sex and over time I have just grown to accept her decision. The only regular period we actually did have sex was while trying for our new baby. Any other time I would say sexual interaction happened about 1-2 times month, which never involved intercourse and always initiated by me. I knew she never wanted it, and I felt really guilty always asking her for it and as a result it hardly ever happened. I always thought that this was normal, as you hear all the time the classic phrase, 'Honey I've got a headache'. It wasn't until I started reading these forums that I started realising that there may be a problem.

I investigated this problem in more detail, reading a lot of posts from here and other forums and it seems to be a common problem - Lack of Sex. I was surprised at a couple of the posts of people complaining about not getting sex more often when they already get it once a week. Wow! I'd love to get it that often. But it wasn't until I read a recent thread in this forum, that I realised what the real problem is. It wasn't just the fact there was no sex, but the lack of physical intimacy. It was like a alarm going off in my head, and everything just became clear as to what was happening, and why I haven't been 100% happy all this time.

It's about how you show your love for each other and what each person needs to feel loved. My wife is a person that doesn't need much physical intimacy to feel loved, and therefore does not seek it. Me on the other hand, I need the physical stuff to make me feel loved by my wife. I'm not just talking about sex, but also just the normal hugs, kisses and physical closeness. All of this time I've wanted this from my wife and she has not realised. My wife shows me love in other ways that I very much appreciate, but without the physical intimacy that I require, still makes me feel incomplete.

I felt so happy when I found this out as the problem wasn't because my wife didn't love me, it was because she didn't understand what it was that I needed to feel loved. So I then had to tell her how I was really feeling. This was the hard part. How do you tell someone you love so much, that you haven't been getting the things that you want from her all this time? It took me a lot of will power and talks of encouragement with myself to finally let her know. I tried to say it in the nicest possible way, by letting her know I really love her and that I was just letting her know this to make our relationship stronger, but her reaction wasn't that good.

She was extremely upset, and she said she was doing the best she can. She also said that she gets emotionally swamped by our kids all day and by the time I get home she doesn't feel like being intimate. I can certainly understand this because it really is hard work looking after 2 kids, but I do try to help out wherever I can. My fear is at the moment that I may have hurt her too much that she will do something drastic. I value our relationship more than anything, even if it means me not being 100% happy from lack of physical intimacy.

I'm wondering if I was too quick to tell her this and I did not think about all of the pressure she is under at the moment, with our new born and 5 year old to look after. I guess my question for everyone here is am I doing the right thing? Do I pursue this further and try and make my wife understand my needs and run the risk of hurting her further, or do I wait a while until maybe the kids have grown up a bit more and she's under less pressure? I really will value your opinion and I thank you for taking the time to read my post.

MrJoshua.

Here is the post I mentioned earlier: Typical I want to and she doesnt
Special thanks to casualty81 and BlueCreek for your inspiring posts.

07-03-2008, 09:57 PM	#1 (permalink)
MrJoshua Registered User Join Date: Jul 2008 Posts: 7	Physical intimacy in marriage Hi everyone, I've been a long time reader, first time poster, on these forums and a lot of what I have read here has inspired me to try and resolve some of my own relationship problems. Let me firstly say that I'm 32 years old, happily married for about 7 years now to my lovely wife of 31, and we have 2 children: a 5 year old and a new born. I am absolutely in love with my wife and have been throughout the relationship, however I have at times felt the feeling from her was not mutual. We get along well, never fight, do things together, laugh and have fun, and overall have a great relationship, but there has always been something missing and It's only recently that I understand what it is. Sex for us has always been very rare. It's the classic case of my wife never wanting sex and over time I have just grown to accept her decision. The only regular period we actually did have sex was while trying for our new baby. Any other time I would say sexual interaction happened about 1-2 times month, which never involved intercourse and always initiated by me. I knew she never wanted it, and I felt really guilty always asking her for it and as a result it hardly ever happened. I always thought that this was normal, as you hear all the time the classic phrase, 'Honey I've got a headache'. It wasn't until I started reading these forums that I started realising that there may be a problem. I investigated this problem in more detail, reading a lot of posts from here and other forums and it seems to be a common problem - Lack of Sex. I was surprised at a couple of the posts of people complaining about not getting sex more often when they already get it once a week. Wow! I'd love to get it that often. But it wasn't until I read a recent thread in this forum, that I realised what the real problem is. It wasn't just the fact there was no sex, but the lack of physical intimacy. It was like a alarm going off in my head, and everything just became clear as to what was happening, and why I haven't been 100% happy all this time. It's about how you show your love for each other and what each person needs to feel loved. My wife is a person that doesn't need much physical intimacy to feel loved, and therefore does not seek it. Me on the other hand, I need the physical stuff to make me feel loved by my wife. I'm not just talking about sex, but also just the normal hugs, kisses and physical closeness. All of this time I've wanted this from my wife and she has not realised. My wife shows me love in other ways that I very much appreciate, but without the physical intimacy that I require, still makes me feel incomplete. I felt so happy when I found this out as the problem wasn't because my wife didn't love me, it was because she didn't understand what it was that I needed to feel loved. So I then had to tell her how I was really feeling. This was the hard part. How do you tell someone you love so much, that you haven't been getting the things that you want from her all this time? It took me a lot of will power and talks of encouragement with myself to finally let her know. I tried to say it in the nicest possible way, by letting her know I really love her and that I was just letting her know this to make our relationship stronger, but her reaction wasn't that good. She was extremely upset, and she said she was doing the best she can. She also said that she gets emotionally swamped by our kids all day and by the time I get home she doesn't feel like being intimate. I can certainly understand this because it really is hard work looking after 2 kids, but I do try to help out wherever I can. My fear is at the moment that I may have hurt her too much that she will do something drastic. I value our relationship more than anything, even if it means me not being 100% happy from lack of physical intimacy. I'm wondering if I was too quick to tell her this and I did not think about all of the pressure she is under at the moment, with our new born and 5 year old to look after. I guess my question for everyone here is am I doing the right thing? Do I pursue this further and try and make my wife understand my needs and run the risk of hurting her further, or do I wait a while until maybe the kids have grown up a bit more and she's under less pressure? I really will value your opinion and I thank you for taking the time to read my post. MrJoshua. Here is the post I mentioned earlier: Typical I want to and she doesnt Special thanks to casualty81 and BlueCreek for your inspiring posts.