I know I keep posting the same or similar questions, but I'm having a hard time figuring out what to do.
My husband and I have stayed married for 5 months after DD#2 where I admitted to kissing another man after four months of him trying to reconcile DD#1- A drunken two- night stand with a different person. Although we are still married, I wouldn't call it reconciliation, as we are in limbo until he decides to commit.
I am currently almost 7 months pregnant and have posted other threads telling a longer version of the same story. The baby is absolutely my husband's- you can't get pregnant from kissing a man a month before conceiving. It's physically impossible. My husband knows this, he has told our counselor he's sure the baby is his, yet he has not participated in any part of the pregnancy. I understand where he might have doubts, obviously because I cheated and my word is worthless, so he questions my story and questions the truth.
I know what I did was wrong. It was selfish, immature, and I was too scared to just end a marriage I wanted out of, so I looked for extramarital attention. I stay in the marriage now in hopes that someday things will improve and we can be happy. The way I see it, marriage lasts a lifetime, so a few years of pain is just a blip if there is chance of improvement. (This is the way I see it NOW- obviously when I cheated I didn't see it that way)
My problem now is that my husband will not commit to reconciliation nor divorce. He feels that I could not give our child a good life on my own and he doesn't want to hurt our daughter by divorcing me. So technically he's married to our daughter right now, because he makes it clear most of the time that he's not interested in me. In the meantime he occasionally tells me he loves me and he wants it to work out between him and I, and then he gets mad at some ridiculous occurrence that I can't control and goes back to name-calling and hating me. (Example: I got diagnosed with Placenta Previa- this is KARMA for my cheating according to him and he's pissed off that I can't have sex because I could possibly DIE or kill the baby)
I am trying so very hard to help him heal: I paid for counseling for a month- he decided he didn't want to go anymore because the counselor "sucks", I cut off friends involved with the affair, I don't go anywhere alone unless I'm running errands, I have ONE friend that I talk to that he is nice to her face and mean behind her back, I have been quiet about the pregnancy because he didn't want it, I delete males on Facebook as he picks them out and decides I might cheat on him with them, I let him vent and yell and call me names and don't expect an apology, and I'm still going to IC. What more can I do?
He still calls me a ****, says he doesn't want the baby, yet he doesn't want a divorce, is angry that I'm doing positive things with myself because I should be on his level of depression.. He spends several days a week drinking at bars with his friend and then coming home and letting me have it in the form of a drunken monologue/rant. I just can't figure out ways to help him heal. He keeps saying "You fix it!" but I can only do so much on my own.
The other day he said I'm still the same person I was when I cheated because I posted something on Facebook about being annoyed with my CATS, and didn't take any action in real life to fix it..... CATS. This is not a joke. That's a whole different story, but he's been threatening to dump them on the side of the road somewhere for years. So I guess when I put on Facebook that I was annoyed, he expected me to go throw them outside somewhere. The fact that I didn't makes me still a cheater that can't commit to anything. Really? I just can't win.
I had my chance to just give up a few months ago, but I just couldn't. At this point I really have nowhere to go. I was under the impression at first that we were trying to reconcile, so I stayed. He feeds me crumbs here and there and touches by belly or tells me he loves me, and then changes his mind. We're stuck in limbo until the baby is born and he makes a decision. Apparently he now wants a DNA test and plans to ask for it the moment they pull the baby out of my body. In the same breath he says he knows the baby is physically his but emotionally it's not. I'm 7 months pregnant, have a 3 year old that I take care of practically alone, and am balls-deep in a master's degree program, so I don't exactly have the free time nor physical ability to just up and leave this situation. All I can do at this point is just try to improve it, but how?
My husband and I have stayed married for 5 months after DD#2 where I admitted to kissing another man after four months of him trying to reconcile DD#1- A drunken two- night stand with a different person. Although we are still married, I wouldn't call it reconciliation, as we are in limbo until he decides to commit.
I am currently almost 7 months pregnant and have posted other threads telling a longer version of the same story. The baby is absolutely my husband's- you can't get pregnant from kissing a man a month before conceiving. It's physically impossible. My husband knows this, he has told our counselor he's sure the baby is his, yet he has not participated in any part of the pregnancy. I understand where he might have doubts, obviously because I cheated and my word is worthless, so he questions my story and questions the truth.
I know what I did was wrong. It was selfish, immature, and I was too scared to just end a marriage I wanted out of, so I looked for extramarital attention. I stay in the marriage now in hopes that someday things will improve and we can be happy. The way I see it, marriage lasts a lifetime, so a few years of pain is just a blip if there is chance of improvement. (This is the way I see it NOW- obviously when I cheated I didn't see it that way)
My problem now is that my husband will not commit to reconciliation nor divorce. He feels that I could not give our child a good life on my own and he doesn't want to hurt our daughter by divorcing me. So technically he's married to our daughter right now, because he makes it clear most of the time that he's not interested in me. In the meantime he occasionally tells me he loves me and he wants it to work out between him and I, and then he gets mad at some ridiculous occurrence that I can't control and goes back to name-calling and hating me. (Example: I got diagnosed with Placenta Previa- this is KARMA for my cheating according to him and he's pissed off that I can't have sex because I could possibly DIE or kill the baby)
I am trying so very hard to help him heal: I paid for counseling for a month- he decided he didn't want to go anymore because the counselor "sucks", I cut off friends involved with the affair, I don't go anywhere alone unless I'm running errands, I have ONE friend that I talk to that he is nice to her face and mean behind her back, I have been quiet about the pregnancy because he didn't want it, I delete males on Facebook as he picks them out and decides I might cheat on him with them, I let him vent and yell and call me names and don't expect an apology, and I'm still going to IC. What more can I do?
He still calls me a ****, says he doesn't want the baby, yet he doesn't want a divorce, is angry that I'm doing positive things with myself because I should be on his level of depression.. He spends several days a week drinking at bars with his friend and then coming home and letting me have it in the form of a drunken monologue/rant. I just can't figure out ways to help him heal. He keeps saying "You fix it!" but I can only do so much on my own.
The other day he said I'm still the same person I was when I cheated because I posted something on Facebook about being annoyed with my CATS, and didn't take any action in real life to fix it..... CATS. This is not a joke. That's a whole different story, but he's been threatening to dump them on the side of the road somewhere for years. So I guess when I put on Facebook that I was annoyed, he expected me to go throw them outside somewhere. The fact that I didn't makes me still a cheater that can't commit to anything. Really? I just can't win.
I had my chance to just give up a few months ago, but I just couldn't. At this point I really have nowhere to go. I was under the impression at first that we were trying to reconcile, so I stayed. He feeds me crumbs here and there and touches by belly or tells me he loves me, and then changes his mind. We're stuck in limbo until the baby is born and he makes a decision. Apparently he now wants a DNA test and plans to ask for it the moment they pull the baby out of my body. In the same breath he says he knows the baby is physically his but emotionally it's not. I'm 7 months pregnant, have a 3 year old that I take care of practically alone, and am balls-deep in a master's degree program, so I don't exactly have the free time nor physical ability to just up and leave this situation. All I can do at this point is just try to improve it, but how?