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One Sided "Reconciliation"- I am WW

49K views 227 replies 28 participants last post by  rrhouse 
#1 ·
I know I keep posting the same or similar questions, but I'm having a hard time figuring out what to do.

My husband and I have stayed married for 5 months after DD#2 where I admitted to kissing another man after four months of him trying to reconcile DD#1- A drunken two- night stand with a different person. Although we are still married, I wouldn't call it reconciliation, as we are in limbo until he decides to commit.

I am currently almost 7 months pregnant and have posted other threads telling a longer version of the same story. The baby is absolutely my husband's- you can't get pregnant from kissing a man a month before conceiving. It's physically impossible. My husband knows this, he has told our counselor he's sure the baby is his, yet he has not participated in any part of the pregnancy. I understand where he might have doubts, obviously because I cheated and my word is worthless, so he questions my story and questions the truth.

I know what I did was wrong. It was selfish, immature, and I was too scared to just end a marriage I wanted out of, so I looked for extramarital attention. I stay in the marriage now in hopes that someday things will improve and we can be happy. The way I see it, marriage lasts a lifetime, so a few years of pain is just a blip if there is chance of improvement. (This is the way I see it NOW- obviously when I cheated I didn't see it that way)

My problem now is that my husband will not commit to reconciliation nor divorce. He feels that I could not give our child a good life on my own and he doesn't want to hurt our daughter by divorcing me. So technically he's married to our daughter right now, because he makes it clear most of the time that he's not interested in me. In the meantime he occasionally tells me he loves me and he wants it to work out between him and I, and then he gets mad at some ridiculous occurrence that I can't control and goes back to name-calling and hating me. (Example: I got diagnosed with Placenta Previa- this is KARMA for my cheating according to him and he's pissed off that I can't have sex because I could possibly DIE or kill the baby)

I am trying so very hard to help him heal: I paid for counseling for a month- he decided he didn't want to go anymore because the counselor "sucks", I cut off friends involved with the affair, I don't go anywhere alone unless I'm running errands, I have ONE friend that I talk to that he is nice to her face and mean behind her back, I have been quiet about the pregnancy because he didn't want it, I delete males on Facebook as he picks them out and decides I might cheat on him with them, I let him vent and yell and call me names and don't expect an apology, and I'm still going to IC. What more can I do?

He still calls me a ****, says he doesn't want the baby, yet he doesn't want a divorce, is angry that I'm doing positive things with myself because I should be on his level of depression.. He spends several days a week drinking at bars with his friend and then coming home and letting me have it in the form of a drunken monologue/rant. I just can't figure out ways to help him heal. He keeps saying "You fix it!" but I can only do so much on my own.


The other day he said I'm still the same person I was when I cheated because I posted something on Facebook about being annoyed with my CATS, and didn't take any action in real life to fix it..... CATS. This is not a joke. That's a whole different story, but he's been threatening to dump them on the side of the road somewhere for years. So I guess when I put on Facebook that I was annoyed, he expected me to go throw them outside somewhere. The fact that I didn't makes me still a cheater that can't commit to anything. Really? I just can't win.

I had my chance to just give up a few months ago, but I just couldn't. At this point I really have nowhere to go. I was under the impression at first that we were trying to reconcile, so I stayed. He feeds me crumbs here and there and touches by belly or tells me he loves me, and then changes his mind. We're stuck in limbo until the baby is born and he makes a decision. Apparently he now wants a DNA test and plans to ask for it the moment they pull the baby out of my body. In the same breath he says he knows the baby is physically his but emotionally it's not. I'm 7 months pregnant, have a 3 year old that I take care of practically alone, and am balls-deep in a master's degree program, so I don't exactly have the free time nor physical ability to just up and leave this situation. All I can do at this point is just try to improve it, but how?
 
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#2 ·
I guess what I'm saying is that I keep hearing this:

50% of the state of the marriage pre-affair is the responsibility of the WS, 50% is the responsibility of the BS. 100% of the affair is the responsibility of the WS.

I feel like I'm doing a lot of the heavy lifting to help us both heal from my decisions. I recognize problems in myself that led to me cheating instead of just being a mature adult and handling it differently. At the same time I feel like he his now blaming his 50% of our marital issues pre-affair on the affair itself, and now refusing to acknowledge them.

Because of this, we're in the same place we were before, and this time I'm not cheating. I'm just miserable. Even if he did forgive me, if the marriage continues like this, I can't stay. I've been told over and over that it's abuse, and I can't deal with it. He is going to have to make some realizations about himself and make some changes as well.
 
#3 · (Edited)
I guess what I'm saying is that I keep hearing this:

50% of the state of the marriage pre-affair is the responsibility of the WS, 50% is the responsibility of the BS. 100% of the affair is the responsibility of the WS.
It's important to note that, while this is a general rule, it isn't something that's set in stone. After all, these numbers are likely to be skewed to some degree in most situations, even if the spread is something as slight as 50.1/49.9. And, in some cases, it's probably as severe at 90/10. (And, to be clear, I'm not saying that the WS will always own the larger share... not at all.)

Anyway, in the more extreme cases, any "blame" leveled at the party to whom the lesser share belongs may very well be due solely to the fact that he or she went along and put up w/ the status quo as opposed to addressing (or, at the very least, attempting to address) the problems in the marriage. And, of course, that's assuming that he or she didn't do so/attempt to do so.

Own your bullsh*t and insist that he do the same. He doesn't get a free pass for treating you like sh*t either before OR after the affair (and certainly not both before AND after), and anyone telling him that he should is toxic to both him and to your marriage.

I feel like I'm doing a lot of the heavy lifting to help us both heal from my decisions. I recognize problems in myself that led to me cheating instead of just being a mature adult and handling it differently.
^This^ is the heavy lifting that YOU rightfully own. Having said that...

At the same time I feel like he his now blaming his 50% of our marital issues pre-affair on the affair itself, and now refusing to acknowledge them.
The affair and the crappy state of the marriage prior to the affair need to be addressed separately. If he fails to recognize and acknowledge this, he'll never own up to the heavy lifting that HE rightfully owns.

Because of this, we're in the same place we were before, and this time I'm not cheating. I'm just miserable. Even if he did forgive me, if the marriage continues like this, I can't stay. I've been told over and over that it's abuse, and I can't deal with it.
Nor should you be expected to do so.

He is going to have to make some realizations about himself and make some changes as well.[/B]
Yep.
 
#4 ·
I get the feeling that he is still VERY much hurting from the affair. Naturally no one could really blame him, but ultimately he needs (for his own sake!) to find a way to forgive you. He doesn't have to recommit to the marriage if he doesn't want to, but it's in everyone's best interest that he ultimately find peace in the situation.

All you can do is do everything you can to try to help him heal, to show remorse, go full NC, open up your life with no secrets, etc. While in the early stages if he slips up and gets overly angry (verbally ONLY, never physical) then you can do your best to let it slide a bit. Ultimately however, there has to be a point in time where he has to make a decision, and inappropriate anger becomes unacceptable.

At five months since D-Day (the latest one), I think he's behaving very inappropriately:

1. Still calling you a ****, months after the adultery has come out and you've been making efforts to help him heal, is COMPLETELY wrong. I can understand him losing his cool and saying that when he first found out, but now? No way, never ok.
2. Since he acknowledges that this pregnancy is his baby, I don't care how he feels about you, he needs to be supportive of everything related to the pregnancy. Meaning he might not yet be comfortable living with you yet or cuddling in bed or anything, but he better be at as many of those baby doctor appointments as possible, assist with post-baby planning, helping with the bills, etc.
3. After five months, he needs to have made a decision of some kind regarding the marriage. The status quo is simply unacceptable. That can be as simple as "Let's try again." or "Let's get a divorce and draw up a custody plan" or even "I want to fix our marriage, but I'm not ready to live together yet, so let's set up a plan with a marriage counselor to help us get to that point." Limbo isn't good for anyone.

Understand that, as the cheater, the situation SHOULD be somewhat uncomfortable for you, but there is a line between the the struggles that accompany rebuilding trust with a betrayed partner or divorcing that partner, and outright abuse. Him calling you names, abandoning his responsibilities (to his children, not his marriage), is not acceptable and you do not have to put up with that.

I would suggest trying to erect those boundaries. If he wants to review your phone? That's ok. If he wants to ask where you are at any given moment? That's ok. If he wants to confirm that you are where you say you are, that's ok. If he calls you a ****? That's absolutely not ok. It's ok to draw a few lines in the sand and let him know that while you understand his pain and his grief, and you want to help him heal as best you can, but you will not endure such abuse.

If you can get him into MC together, I would push for a resolution, one way or the other. If not, I would be honest and tell him that you need resolution on the situation, and are willing to accept the result either way. It might give him a little wake up call. After five months (or longer with D-Day #1 counting), he's become accustomed to being in the drivers seat and feeling somewhat self righteous. Being told that it's decision time can wake you up.
 
#11 ·
Thank you so much for your input. You've echoed everything our counselor said. He did go to counseling with me for about a month and said he was committed to reconciliation, but about a week ago he started using phrases like "when we divorce" and "you're going to live with your mom", so I don't know.

I've been seeing the same counselor individually and she said I need to work on creating boundaries and expectations for myself and stop being such a people pleaser. That's what got me into this situation in the first place- seeking approval and lack of boundaries. I'll continue to work with her on these topics while doing all I can to help him heal.

I have always said that as long as he's still in, I'm still in. In counseling I said that I'm willing to give him until the baby is born to decide- I think that's fair. But I will not force someone to be with me if they hate me, even if he thinks that's whats best for our daughter(s). That sets a horrible example for both of them.

He is becoming more agitated with the situation lately because he knows the pressure is on to make a decision. As he says, he is feeling immense pressure as the clock ticks, and he is becoming more and more angry as the time pushes forward. He doesn't talk to anyone about this as far as I know. His best friend came over the other day and kept asking questions about the baby, which tells me my husband didn't say anything to him about how he wants nothing to do with her. I wish he would talk to this specific friend about it, as he is very level-headed and has been a good influence for my husband so far regarding the affair.
 
#10 ·
Impatient for the situation to be fixed? No. Not at all.

In fact, every time he says he feels like people are expecting him to hurry up and get over it, I have to remind him that I never asked him to get over it. This is not something you just get over.

I'm asking him to commit to moving forward or declare that he can't forgive me. Just make a decision either way. We're currently not in any real reconciliation. In fact he has barely spoken to me for several days because I asked if he wants to see an ultrasound picture.

I'm also asking him to make a decision regarding our unborn child. I've been quiet for 7 out of 9 months, and I'm gently pushing him to make a decision. The baby has no name, he hasn't been to a single appointment, and he refuses to look at ultrasound pictures. The baby also has no nursery, although he did clear out our office a few months ago. He filled up the empty space with thousands of dollars of new music equipment and put the crib mattress in a corner. It's his "recording studio".

I understand that reconciliation will take time. I'm prepared to work at this for years. However long it takes. But for this to move forward, he has to commit. No back and forth bs.
 
#9 ·
YES. While it drives me crazy, I did have a talk with him about it and I sort of get what he's doing. He says he does it because it desensitizes him to the situation. I don't know how true that is, but it kind of makes sense. Before, the picture was of my butt in the panties I wore on our wedding day that said Mrs. __.

While he did change that picture to the POS's out of spite, he said it hurt him so much to see that picture of his name on me, because I am no longer "his", if that makes sense. Also, seeing the men every day lessens the chances of a trigger that might set him off. It's just a twinge of hurt many times a day, rather than an explosion every so often. I personally don't feel that it's unhealthy, but if that's what he wants, it's his phone/ his healing process, so... I can't really ask him to remove it.
 
#13 ·
It is unhealthy in the extreme. Listen, I know you're in a tough spot but you have no marriage.

Compare your marriage to a human body. Before you cheated it was sick with pneumonia. So the first time you cheated you took a shotgun and shoved it up the sick persons butt and blew the rectum and intestines up into the lungs. That pretty much killed the patient. That wasn't enough. The second time you cheated you pressed the shotgun to the patient's forehead and blew their brains out.

Your marriage was very sick and you totally killed it.

You two could start a new marriage all over but your H is still dragging the desecrated corpse of your old marriage around complaining about the smell.

I have said it before, just bury your old marriage, it is done.

It is unhealthy for you to remain with him and he isn't healing either.
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#17 ·
You paint a beautiful picture.

In all seriousness though, he occasionally feeds me little crumbs of hope and that's what I hang on to. We could start over, but it would take some kind of miracle. Maybe this baby will be the miracle we need. Probably not.

I really don't have anywhere to go right now, so I am kind of forced to wait it out at least until the baby is born and I can scrounge up some kind of job. I have the skills and education, and I'm no stranger to staying up all night working at home and turning around and being a stay at home mom. Daycare is outrageously expensive, especially for a newborn. My dad is selling his house and my mother just moved in with my grandmother, so there is seriously nothing to do but get my ducks in a row. I might have to rely on government assistance for a while, I don't know. I hate thinking about it. I hate accepting defeat.

In the meantime I hope maybe he'll come around and at least commit to one thing or the other. We had a beautiful relationship at one point in time, and I wish we could someday get back to that, but as you said it's next to impossible.

As far as the yelling and name-calling goes: if he starts up in front of our daughter I will just pack up and leave and come home when he passes out. She doesn't need to see it anymore. She already mockingly stomps around the house with a sour face and says "I am a man!", and says "Daddy doesn't like the baby". This breaks my heart.
 
#16 ·
Honestly, I think that you know the answer to the question that you keep asking yourself, but the immense guilt that you feel at having engaged in adultery keeps you from embracing it.

And here's the thing... YOU. CAN'T. HEAL. HIM. Period. You CAN help him to heal, but only if he lets you.

Given that he's obviously made very little to no progress in this regard, AND the fact that he's basically taken steps to... well... STAY angry, I just don't think that he's cut out for reconciliation.
 
#21 ·
Gus is echoing me from when I responded to your previous thread. Two anonymous male posters can't be wrong. Right?��
Anonymous? Reeeaaaaally?!?

What... you never saw Home Alone?
 
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#19 ·
Two male posters, several other people here on TAM, my family, my best friend. I'm stubborn and I don't want to give up on this. I'm also afraid of starting over and afraid to admit I killed my marriage.

I still love him immensely and he tells me from time to time he loves me, and always has. So why can't we figure this out? It's frustrating.
 
#22 ·
I could start a whole new thread for that issue alone. He wants to euthanize his own cat because he never litter trained her. Because I won't let him, I am now responsible for cleaning the carpet every single day. As long as it keeps her alive I don't mind.

Pregnant ladies aren't supposed to touch cat poop though.... I wish I could cash in on that rule
 
#27 ·
You have to be pretty young. How old are you? My oldest son is 26. Don't keep beating a dead horse. You really do have your whole life ahead of you. You cannot control your H. Yes, you could help him heal if he wanted to heal but he doesn't.

You can and do need to heal yourself. You are now aware of the damage of infidelity, of what it does to everyone including you. Learn, change and grow. It will not happen in your current situation and your children will be very harmed growing up in this "death" zone.
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#28 ·
P.S. Stop handling cat crap yesterday! The dangers are serious and your child is more important than a cat!

I am absolutely for responsibility in owning pets but never at the risk of human health.

Your infidelity is no excuse for your Hs neglect and abuse!
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#29 ·
I got stuck with the cat poop during my first pregnancy as well. If I'm not mistaken, there is only a threat if you have outdoor cats that poop inside, because they eat raw meat or something. My only outdoor cat only comes inside to eat, so I'm not terribly concerned. It is bs that my husband can't help out with that one thing, but whatever.

Also, I'm 26- good call! When I did leave my situation (a couple months ago) for a few days to stay at my mom's old town home, I started to get a little hopeful and excited about the future. It felt like a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders. I still missed my husband though and went right back to him after the first "I miss you" he texted me. So, it's not hopeless if I end up getting a divorce. It's just not how I hoped this would turn out.
 
#35 ·
As a health care worker (as in professional in health care) that is a fallacy.

Do not handle feline waste (urine or feces) while pregnant. Your babys health and yours are more important that a cat. That statement comes from an animal rights activist by the way.
 
#34 ·
Sorry, one more thing. To clarify why true forgiveness means, it means to forgive someone of the debt they "owe" to you. I can "forgive" a $20 debt that someone owes to me for instance. A long overdue financial debt between friends can spoil an otherwise good friendship after all. Once forgiven, it's my responsibility to truly and completely let it go, to not ever bring it up again. There is no debt anymore, it's gone. He owes me nothing, so there is nothing to grumble or be upset about. I certainly don't have to forget it, so I probably won't lend him money again, but I cannot use the prior debt against him ever again.

If a friend has hurt me, betrayed me, etc., the situation is no different, except that he is not even capable of repaying that debt anyway. I can forgive him and completely release the pain debt he owes me, and release myself from the chains that bound me to reliving that pain over and over, or I can lose the friendship and continue to drag that pain around with me forever. It's a lousy situation for sure, you've been hurt, he carries the guilt of having hurt a friend, and you can't undo that, but you can heal and start fresh.

So if the marriage is going to have a chance, he has to genuinely reach a point of forgiveness. That means removing the POS's image from his phone, never bringing it up with you or others again (outside of maybe an MC session or something anyway), never using it against you (especially in anger, like calling you a slu*), just completely accepting that he shouldn't be thinking about it, talk about it, refer to it, etc., ever. He certainly can't forget it, and you should still continue to help him with healing, including being willing to maintain total transparency in your life for a while, but that's it. But if he can't reach this point, the sooner the better, I can't imagine the marriage surviving, or at least improving beyond what it is today.
 
#37 ·
What's toxic ...is your husbands attitude . I applaud your efforts...but seriously...the guy takes photos of other women's butts, checks out Craiglist, calls massage parlours,(and calls YOU a wh0re...wtf) makes you pick up cat poo and verbally abuses you constantly. Sorry, the guy sounds like a PIG.
If he truly loved you he would consider how this treatment may impact on your pregnancy. Not good. Sorry for what you are enduring.
 
#38 ·
You didn't ruin the marriage. Your hb was an abusive pr!ck long before your cheating. All abusers feed their victims crumbs.

I don't know what else to tell you, your hb has been very clear about what he thinks of you and yet you insist on holding on. All I can tell you is that you're going to sorely regret this time you're wasting with him. Keep asking the same question, nothing is going to change.
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#42 ·
I didn't share on this forum, but I guess I will because its important. Last Sunday I took a stack of notecards and sat down with my audio recordings of his angry monologues (where he just yells at me for hours on end). I wrote down every insult and name he hurled at me, and taped these cards to the mirror on my dresser. The mirror was completely covered with these cards.

This was sort of immature, I know. I wanted to make a point though. Even though he forgets saying these things or shrugs them off the next day, I hear them constantly in my head. I see them every time I look at myself in the mirror. He seems unsatisfied any day that I appear to not be thinking about these names, and goes off on another rant. He even told me he does this "so I don't forget". I just wanted him to see the horrible things he was saying and was hoping to passive aggressively call him out.

Well, he didn't mention the cards all week. I took them down because we had people come work on the house and I didn't want them to see that. This morning I found three cards taped back on the mirror: "Desparate", "Attention-seeking", and "WH*RE". This scared me because I thought maybe one of the workers found the cards and thought it was funny or something, so I texted my husband asking if he touched my dresser. He said, yeah, he moved the cards, but it was meant to be a joke.

The fact that he could ignore these words all week, not talk to me, and then put them BACK up after I took them down- as a JOKE- just disgusts me. I didn't even talk to him when he came home today because I was so angry. It's so clear that my feelings mean nothing to him and recovery will never happen.

In my heart I know what has to happen, but I am not emotionally or physically prepared to do anything about it right now. I'm just detaching and minding my own business. He rarely ever comes home anyway. I just feel so defeated and angry with myself for a) cheating and b) allowing myself to be treated like trash by my own husband and the OM
 
#43 ·
Just take your time sweetheart. Yes, I am calling you a sweetheart. I think you have heard enough about what you allowed yourself to become and I am choosing to believe you are becoming someone different and won't ever cheat again.

Your H is backwards and destructive. He will never get well and he will never allow you to get well either. He will stain your children with bitterness and hate. They will grow up twisted under the torment of his hatred of you.

Be firm in your resolve. Take what time you need. Stop taking anymore fvcking abuse! When it is feasible, leave and never look back.

There is no excuse for the decisions you made to lower yourself and be violated and there should be no excuses to prevent you from repenting, healing and growing beyond all of it either.

Your H can't be held responsible for your cheating and he sure as hell should not be the reason you don't get healthier and feel better about yourself.

He is responsible for abusing you. You may have deserved ridicule and shame even divorce for what you did but never abuse!

There is a time also, when the ridicule needs to turn to encouragement and the shame to self esteem.

Your H does not have any understanding and is just using this as an excuse to hurt you forever. His heart is revealed and it is full of darkness.

Be well. You need to continue healing for yourself and your children and even the man who will cherish you above all others. You haven't met him yet but you will if you invest in yourself, your wellbeing and that of your children.

You should never have cheated but it has revealed the cesspool that is in your Hs heart.

Best wishes.
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#46 ·
I appreciate the positive words. After hearing nothing but negativity, that's refreshing . The pressure is really on now for me to leave.

He came home after another day at the bar, and got an attitude with me because I asked him to please at least tell me if he's not coming home after work. I told him not to get an attitude with me when he hasn't spoken to me all day and he went off in front of our daughter. Again.

I went into our bedroom crying and tried to shut the door but he stood in the doorway blocking me, even after I tried to physically move him and told him to leave me alone. He kept screaming and refused to let me shut the door, the whole time our daughter is right there. The dinner I just cooked is sitting at the table getting cold. When I I finally did shut and lock the door he continued screaming and calling me every name in the book. I'm surprised he didn't hit me. I'm scared and upset, and need to leave before he physically attacks me.

He even ridiculed me for asking him to stop fighting in front of our daughter, saying I'm responsible for her having to see this. F**king ridiculous. I need to find some way out. Is there a forum on here where I can find resources for stay at home moms/ pregnant ladies/ full time graduate students who need help?
 
#47 ·
OK youngster. I am not up to speed on the programs you are talking about but I know they are there.

There is a poster here called Ele_Girl. She seems quite educated about help programs for ladies in your situation.

What area do you live in?

Be strong. The damage being done to you is bad enough but it is terrible what is being done to your daughter.

Would you like me to ask Ele for you?
 
#49 ·
I'd appreciate that. I've seen her posts all over this board. I am sure I can find place to go if necessary, but I feel like it would be more wise to avoid him in my own home until I can get a job and do my research.

I think it's bs for to me to uproot at 7 months pregnant because he wants to blow up and shout every night. It's even more ridiculous that he defended himself when I told him to cool it in front of our child. He believes "she will find out either way, so there's no need to sugar coat it." And this is part of my p**sy parenting method that shelters her from reality. (Because I have a minor in child development and don't believe in spanking, that makes me an idiot and a p**sy and somehow is related to him yelling in front of her- his logic, not mine). Anyway I'm including so much detail so I don't forget exactly what he said and did. It's more for personal reasons than oversharing with this forum, sorry.

I'm in the Houston area in Texas.
 
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