hitrockbottom

Im not looking for responses but your welcome to it. I just needed to release a little.

I feel beside myself this morning. Its as if I am standing next to me looking at myself future, past and present. My mind is overwhelmed with thoughts and memories and "what ifs". Which sucks because for the last few days I have had a lot of clarity and peace.

One second I think progress is being made, the next like I have taken a step backward. I want to move forward but feel like I have a weight dragging behind me. I feel like Sisyphus.

Three days now My wife and I have been civil around each other. I still feel like there is a tension there though. Like she is holding on to something else that she doesn't want to let out.

We went on a walk last night, talked about the future, but conversations brought up feelings of hate and remorse inside of me. I don't know why. I felt happy to be with her and talking but at the same time I hated it.

One second I am struggling forgiving myself for infidelity and her for the EA. The next I don't want to. I want to be with her and hold her, but I can't. She won't let me, and inside it doesn't feel right at the moment.

I'm happy, alone. I'm Happy when were together, but with anxiety. I feel like things are going to smoothly like something has to happen soon and if it doesn't then I feel like I'm going to cause something to happen.

I hold onto every word I say. I process it over and over before it comes out, if it comes out.

I rediscovered something this morning that brought up past feelings of anger and rage. Then I looked more and found what I didn't want to know. Now I feel like the rock went back down and emotionally I have to restart. I need to just let go, but don't know how to dump this baggage. hmm.....