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blind · 07-18-2008, 11:26 AM

AZMOM - Thanks for the kind words. They are much appreciated. Here are a few more thoughts I have. Again, I'm just another spouse trying to struggle through this process with the hope and prayer that my marriage will be what it should. Anyway, it is okay to cry and in fact, I think it is necessary. But, you need to keep that away from your kids and your husband. I think you know this but it never hurts to be reminded. We must be strong and certainly must appear strong and confident to our spouses and children. I know it is tough, but I believe it is required. Confident and strong people are attractive. We can't come across as needy and clingy. Also, we can't expect our children to understand all this and be able to handle it without our strong support, love, affection, and valor. We must take the high road on this for their benefit. So, being emotional is okay, but that is something we must keep in check too. I commute about 45 minutes to and from work. That is my time to be emotional, cry, yell, scream, be pissed off, reflect, whatever. When I get home I try to do my best to leave those things in the truck and hit the door as the supportive, loving and caring husband and father that I truly am. Do I fail at this from time to time? Sure! But I'm getting better at it and you will too.

Another thing I want to mention is talking to your husband about all this. You will find many that promote communication, communication, communication. I don't disagree with this thinking necessarily, but it MUST be effective and constructive communication. Continually talking about this with your husband and being emotional about it only keeps the wounds fresh for both you and him. My wife will rarely talk to me about this and that hurts me. But it doesn't do any good for me to continually badger her about it. When I have my head on straight I may bring up where we are in the marriage and try to have an adult, calm, and caring conversation. I have found that if I can't do that I should keep my mouth shut. Again, communication is important and the lack thereof is probably how my marriage reached this potentially breaking point. But, poor communication will likely do more harm than good. I also think that constant communication can stall progress. If we constantly remind ourselves and our spouses of how bad things are it is tough for them to improve. Allow some time between conversations so improvements will be more easily seen. Like watching grass grow. If you sat in your lawn for 5 days constantly watching the grass it will be tough to see it progress. But if you are gone for 5 days and return home you will instantly see and appreciate how much the grass has grown. If you can ever get to the point of marriage counseling that is a good time for communication. Also the counselor can assist in ensuring the communication is constructive and not destructive. It will give the two of you a time each week to talk. Then, throughout the rest of the week you can work on progress without being so concerned about communication or feeling in the dark.

I absolutely can relate to not knowing how to act around my spouse. A friend and I refer to this as having an 800lbs gorilla in the room. You feel like any wrong move and it will pounce on you. It is damn hard to take not knowing how to act in your own home and around your spouse. I still stuggle with this much of the time. One thing that I see happening with many troubled marriages is that the friendship that was once shared between spouses has faded. I don't guess I have any good advice on how to fix this as I haven't had much success in my own home trying to rediscover the friendship my wife and I once shared. But I believe if we could be friends again it would let us be more comfortable around each other. I don't know if this is a part of your situation or not. I guess I can say that when my wife and I do find something to laugh at together it does help. Sorry I'm not much help on this one, but I do understand the struggle.

Keep up the hard work. I truly believe you will be better for it regardless. And without our continued hard work it is tough to see any real chance of successfully repairing the marriages. My best to you and yours.

Blind.

07-18-2008, 11:26 AM	#9 (permalink)
blind Member Join Date: Jan 2008 Location: Midwest Posts: 67	Re: From Optimism to depression AZMOM - Thanks for the kind words. They are much appreciated. Here are a few more thoughts I have. Again, I'm just another spouse trying to struggle through this process with the hope and prayer that my marriage will be what it should. Anyway, it is okay to cry and in fact, I think it is necessary. But, you need to keep that away from your kids and your husband. I think you know this but it never hurts to be reminded. We must be strong and certainly must appear strong and confident to our spouses and children. I know it is tough, but I believe it is required. Confident and strong people are attractive. We can't come across as needy and clingy. Also, we can't expect our children to understand all this and be able to handle it without our strong support, love, affection, and valor. We must take the high road on this for their benefit. So, being emotional is okay, but that is something we must keep in check too. I commute about 45 minutes to and from work. That is my time to be emotional, cry, yell, scream, be pissed off, reflect, whatever. When I get home I try to do my best to leave those things in the truck and hit the door as the supportive, loving and caring husband and father that I truly am. Do I fail at this from time to time? Sure! But I'm getting better at it and you will too. Another thing I want to mention is talking to your husband about all this. You will find many that promote communication, communication, communication. I don't disagree with this thinking necessarily, but it MUST be effective and constructive communication. Continually talking about this with your husband and being emotional about it only keeps the wounds fresh for both you and him. My wife will rarely talk to me about this and that hurts me. But it doesn't do any good for me to continually badger her about it. When I have my head on straight I may bring up where we are in the marriage and try to have an adult, calm, and caring conversation. I have found that if I can't do that I should keep my mouth shut. Again, communication is important and the lack thereof is probably how my marriage reached this potentially breaking point. But, poor communication will likely do more harm than good. I also think that constant communication can stall progress. If we constantly remind ourselves and our spouses of how bad things are it is tough for them to improve. Allow some time between conversations so improvements will be more easily seen. Like watching grass grow. If you sat in your lawn for 5 days constantly watching the grass it will be tough to see it progress. But if you are gone for 5 days and return home you will instantly see and appreciate how much the grass has grown. If you can ever get to the point of marriage counseling that is a good time for communication. Also the counselor can assist in ensuring the communication is constructive and not destructive. It will give the two of you a time each week to talk. Then, throughout the rest of the week you can work on progress without being so concerned about communication or feeling in the dark. I absolutely can relate to not knowing how to act around my spouse. A friend and I refer to this as having an 800lbs gorilla in the room. You feel like any wrong move and it will pounce on you. It is damn hard to take not knowing how to act in your own home and around your spouse. I still stuggle with this much of the time. One thing that I see happening with many troubled marriages is that the friendship that was once shared between spouses has faded. I don't guess I have any good advice on how to fix this as I haven't had much success in my own home trying to rediscover the friendship my wife and I once shared. But I believe if we could be friends again it would let us be more comfortable around each other. I don't know if this is a part of your situation or not. I guess I can say that when my wife and I do find something to laugh at together it does help. Sorry I'm not much help on this one, but I do understand the struggle. Keep up the hard work. I truly believe you will be better for it regardless. And without our continued hard work it is tough to see any real chance of successfully repairing the marriages. My best to you and yours. Blind.