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One Sided "Reconciliation"- I am WW

49K views 227 replies 28 participants last post by  rrhouse 
#1 ·
I know I keep posting the same or similar questions, but I'm having a hard time figuring out what to do.

My husband and I have stayed married for 5 months after DD#2 where I admitted to kissing another man after four months of him trying to reconcile DD#1- A drunken two- night stand with a different person. Although we are still married, I wouldn't call it reconciliation, as we are in limbo until he decides to commit.

I am currently almost 7 months pregnant and have posted other threads telling a longer version of the same story. The baby is absolutely my husband's- you can't get pregnant from kissing a man a month before conceiving. It's physically impossible. My husband knows this, he has told our counselor he's sure the baby is his, yet he has not participated in any part of the pregnancy. I understand where he might have doubts, obviously because I cheated and my word is worthless, so he questions my story and questions the truth.

I know what I did was wrong. It was selfish, immature, and I was too scared to just end a marriage I wanted out of, so I looked for extramarital attention. I stay in the marriage now in hopes that someday things will improve and we can be happy. The way I see it, marriage lasts a lifetime, so a few years of pain is just a blip if there is chance of improvement. (This is the way I see it NOW- obviously when I cheated I didn't see it that way)

My problem now is that my husband will not commit to reconciliation nor divorce. He feels that I could not give our child a good life on my own and he doesn't want to hurt our daughter by divorcing me. So technically he's married to our daughter right now, because he makes it clear most of the time that he's not interested in me. In the meantime he occasionally tells me he loves me and he wants it to work out between him and I, and then he gets mad at some ridiculous occurrence that I can't control and goes back to name-calling and hating me. (Example: I got diagnosed with Placenta Previa- this is KARMA for my cheating according to him and he's pissed off that I can't have sex because I could possibly DIE or kill the baby)

I am trying so very hard to help him heal: I paid for counseling for a month- he decided he didn't want to go anymore because the counselor "sucks", I cut off friends involved with the affair, I don't go anywhere alone unless I'm running errands, I have ONE friend that I talk to that he is nice to her face and mean behind her back, I have been quiet about the pregnancy because he didn't want it, I delete males on Facebook as he picks them out and decides I might cheat on him with them, I let him vent and yell and call me names and don't expect an apology, and I'm still going to IC. What more can I do?

He still calls me a ****, says he doesn't want the baby, yet he doesn't want a divorce, is angry that I'm doing positive things with myself because I should be on his level of depression.. He spends several days a week drinking at bars with his friend and then coming home and letting me have it in the form of a drunken monologue/rant. I just can't figure out ways to help him heal. He keeps saying "You fix it!" but I can only do so much on my own.


The other day he said I'm still the same person I was when I cheated because I posted something on Facebook about being annoyed with my CATS, and didn't take any action in real life to fix it..... CATS. This is not a joke. That's a whole different story, but he's been threatening to dump them on the side of the road somewhere for years. So I guess when I put on Facebook that I was annoyed, he expected me to go throw them outside somewhere. The fact that I didn't makes me still a cheater that can't commit to anything. Really? I just can't win.

I had my chance to just give up a few months ago, but I just couldn't. At this point I really have nowhere to go. I was under the impression at first that we were trying to reconcile, so I stayed. He feeds me crumbs here and there and touches by belly or tells me he loves me, and then changes his mind. We're stuck in limbo until the baby is born and he makes a decision. Apparently he now wants a DNA test and plans to ask for it the moment they pull the baby out of my body. In the same breath he says he knows the baby is physically his but emotionally it's not. I'm 7 months pregnant, have a 3 year old that I take care of practically alone, and am balls-deep in a master's degree program, so I don't exactly have the free time nor physical ability to just up and leave this situation. All I can do at this point is just try to improve it, but how?
 
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#184 ·
Agreed, you've GOT to file first. The first filer always has a huge advantage as they get to set all of the terms first that will last throughout the divorce proceedings, which can take a long time. For instance, he could make up some things to give himself 100% residential custody and that temporary order could potentially stand as-is for months before you could get into court to change anything. You've got to file asap.

Secondly, while it does seem like you are pretty determined that actually getting the divorce is the right answer right now, realize that just because you file for divorce doesn't mean you have to actually get the divorce. You mentioned earlier how you still harbor some hope in the back of your mind and that has left you hesitant to file. Just remember that the process usually takes many months, if not a year or more, and in that time a lot can change. For him, realizing that yes you're actually going through with it could potentially wake him up to realizing that yes, this is really very real. You might be able to agree to some kind of counseling (be it for the marriage, or for co-parenting).

In any case, have you filed yet??
 
#185 ·
I haven't filed yet. I filed for child support. He tried to get me to stay the night tomorrow through Sunday because I'll be driving back and forth about an hour each way to take our daughter to her Vacation Bible School that I don't want to mess up for her.

I planned on using this time to pack and maybe staying the night Friday, but I don't feel comfortable around him. He then told me I NEED to come over and stay all weekend so the girls can spend time in their home for the last time and so we can "finalize things". Then he told me he has not one, but two girls waiting on his divorce so they can date. I know I shouldn't care but this is eating away at me and I am so hurt. He told me they feel sorry for me and they "want him " because they know he'll spoil them and treat them right like he used to do for me. How cruel is that?

I told him he is sick and manipulative and I will not give him a divorce so he can bang some girl he's been flirting with. He should focus on his kids and his marriage. He told me fine, then come home and be "the wife I want you to be", to which I responded what about the husband I want? He feels like I have no room to bargain and I feel like I'm just going to stay away from him because he is acting like a disgusting pig.

That in itself is cheating, but apparently he sees it as child's play compared to what I did. He is seriously messed up in the head and I feel so sorry for those girls. They're in for a surprise when he pees in their beds and abuses them. Unless they're just that hungry for his paycheck.
 
#191 ·
...he told me he has not one, but two girls waiting on his divorce so they can date. I know I shouldn't care but this is eating away at me and I am so hurt. He told me they feel sorry for me and they "want him " because they know he'll spoil them and treat them right like he used to do for me. How cruel is that?
LOL... you should've asked him to explain precisely how he'll have any money left over to "spoil" anyone once his paycheck has been ravaged by both court-mandated child support payments AND his bar tab.
 
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#186 ·
He is playing the victim card to the hilt. He is empowered because he sees himself as the victim and you as the bad guy. Usually, when a person gets to this point, there is no talking sense to them.

Time to move down the road. Your relationship is dead. I know it hurts but it won't hurt as much as staying around and letting him humiliate you. Your husband has deep issues that he needs to address, on top of being a boozer. Get out now.
 
#187 ·
To a degree, I'm going to have to side with bandit. He is playing the victim card, and he is lying through his teeth trying to make you feel even more guilty/shame than you already do. As I mentioned back in January, all of this has put you in a difficult place because he obviously IS a victim here as well, but enough time has passed and enough effort has been made that he has to either decide to forgive and reconcile or walk away completely. I believe either decision is easily justifiable.

Trying to stick around and just repeatedly bring you down emotionally or worse for your past sins however is completely unacceptable. Being angry and hateful for a little while in the immediate aftermath is understandable, but he's had enough time to grieve, you've had enough time to show him that you accept responsibility for your failures and he should have made his decision on how he will proceed long before now.

However, here is the reality for you now: He will come to accept that his time for mistreating his wife is over. That means that you will either divorce and he won't have you around to guilt/shame and bully anymore, or you'll do something that gives him a major wake-up call and he'll reconsider his priorities. (either changing his behavior in the process, or agreeing on divorce) Those are pretty much the only two potential results here. So that is where bandit and I might disagree. Your relationship is dead, if something doesn't change quickly.

I think it's entirely possible (though maybe not likely at this point) that your husband has just been so filled with anger and humiliation, as well as a misguided view that your guilt/shame will keep you from leaving, that he doesn't really believe that you will really file for divorce. I think if he wanted divorce, he would have been smart enough to file by now. I believe the only chance your marriage has is to file for divorce and see if that gives him the wake-up call that he might need in order to make clear to him that you're not going to put up with this mistreatment anymore and that you are absolutely willing to end the marriage over it. I've certainly seen that work more than a few times.

The reality is, as the cheater, this isn't supposed to be easy for you. It's supposed to suck, a lot, and for a while, because healing and rebuilding trust takes time and is very emotionally painful for all parties. However, your husband is crossing lines that no man is entitled to cross, including victims of adultery. If he can't reach a point of healing and forgiveness in a fair amount of time, then you should not feel as though your sin requires that you continue to subjugate yourself to this marriage any longer.
 
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#188 ·
Who cares what he tells you about who wants him? His goal is to drink and hurt you so he'll say pretty much anything to get to you. And if some stupid bimbo really does want his drunk, pathetic arse then feel sorry for her.

The wife he needs you to be is the only that lays on the floor and does nothing but cater to him while taking his abuse.

And by refusing to file while making a stink about some bimbo you continue to give him power. Tell him you don't give a fvck who's waiting for him because you know what she's getting.

Heck, if you stay the night he'll probably simultaneously pester you for sex and then tell you how pathetic you are. I honestly have no idea why you continue to try to hold on here, you've created a lot of this monster by sticking around and taking it. You might have had a better shot at saving this if you'd stayed gone the last time you left and put conditions on your return. Instead you ran back, showed him you were a doormat, and allowed him to continue to indulge his victim status and drinking.

Let some other woman have him. If she even exists she's getting a pos. And you know he's never treated you all that well, you've always had a business arrangement that included sex.
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#189 ·
Good grief. Just divorce him already. You two HAVE no marriage.

Move out, file for divorce, let him see you living a decent life, let him try to live on, and MAYBE down the road after lots of therapy for both of you, you might have something to rekindle.

But that will NEVER HAPPEN with you two the way you are now. So what if he's got girls lined up? You could have guys lined up just as easily. All that tells me is that HE isn't wasting any valuable time on figuring out what's wrong with him and will only make two MORE women miserable. At least you're on a place like this trying to learn what you did wrong and how to fix it.

Give yourself a break and get that divorce started.
 
#192 ·
Now there are three girls. I moved out last Sunday, and have found a lawyer. He went out of town this weekend with his best friend and the new girl, and their kids.

I was supposed to come pack all weekend and he was supposed to visit the kids, but he became abusive so I took them and left. He told me he should have killed me when he found out I cheated. He could have plead temporary insanity and would be living happily ever after with his older daughter and no baby.

I don't know why I still have feelings for him, but I am absolutely heartbroken and don't want to get the divorce, but I will. For my kids and for me.

Another low blow is the fact that he said he found a rehabilitation center he is going to attend *after* the divorce, because he's not getting sober for me. It's only for him and his new life without me. I guess his family wasn't good enough.
 
#195 ·
Abusers don't consider it cheating. It's just what they're allowed to do. If he wasn't abusive before you cheated, then he sees it as what he is now ALLOWED directly BECAUSE of what you did.

So, yeah, that's what some men do when their wife cheats. Helps them get their self esteem back.
 
#196 ·
It just hurts. I've never been treated so cruelly by anyone in my entire life, and I've been beat physically, abandoned, etc. This takes the cake.

I have to let go. I won't even hold onto hope that he'll come around in a year, two years, whatever. I'm spending so much time worrying about him and not enough building back my own life. I'm calling the counselor Monday to figure things out. I haven't seen her since the baby was born.
 
#197 ·
Yes, go back to counseling. It strikes me that you're really desperate for approval, like a little kid who keeps begging mom to love her. Except you're desperate for hb to love you. Guy tells you he wishes you were dead and you're still desperate for him to love you, maybe to prove you're lovable.

The thing is that your seem to forget that he's never been a good husband, but it probably looks better in hindsight because he's been so over the top nasty since the other men. And if he does go to rehab? Well good, maybe your daughters won't grow up with a pathetic drunk for a father. But he can't have any chance to heal with you, your relationship is too toxic.

It's highly unlikely that other women will get this great guy that you wanted, remember what he was like. But if one does? Well maybe she's a better match. You've tried to force what can't be forced.


And abuse aside, some people simply can't get past affairs and he may be one of them. As turnera rightly pointed out.

You are lovable, just not by him.
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#199 ·
The weekend he was supposed to see his kids but forced me to leave by being abusive, he ended up taking the same girl he visited a few weeks back, and her baby to the beach. Overnight. In a motel. They shared a bed but he says they just got drunk and passed out fully clothed after talking all night.

He talks to her every day and they supposedly whine about their lives and how awful they are. He told me he has no ability to feel or love anymore, and he's not afraid to die. He said he's not going to rehab. He just wants to "enjoy the rest of his life" and he's happy he has a good insurance plan for his kids. One of which he still doesn't accept. I can't deal with all of this.

I don't know what his fascination is with this girl. He told me she's emotionally unstable and clearly she's not a good influence. I can't make her go away though.

I'm meeting him today to discuss the divorce. I'm absolutely heartbroken, but it's what he wants and what I NEED. I have to let him go, he is toxic. I can't believe he would leave his family for her like that. I guess that's how he felt about me when I strayed.
 
#201 ·
You wonder what the fascination with the OW is? She's like him. Or maybe even worse than he is. He finds that very appealing.

Alcohol is more important to him than his family. You need to plan your life (and your children's lives) as though he will not be part of it financially or otherwise. Because that could very well be the case.
 
#202 ·
rrhouse, some of your comments still confuse the heck out of me. You seem very concerned about this other woman, you are spending time trying to figure out his fascination with this woman, you are disappointed that you can't make her go away, etc.

Here's the deal: She's new, she is willing to ignore his enormously clear faults, she's willing to have sex with him and pander to his crazy perception of himself, and she is demanding virtually no commitment or resources of his that he can't readily withdraw at a moment's notice. Certainly I'm guessing that she's not the smartest cookie either. In a word, she is "easy." She latched on to him quickly because she's in need of a man whom she wants to believe can take care of her some day if only she meets his needs first. After all, he is presenting himself to her as this great and wonderful guy, a good father, a provider, etc., who is married to a terrible woman. IF that were all true, then it makes sense why she might find him a good "future catch" that she wants to get in on the ground floor with. Any faults of his now could be attributed to the messy divorce and his intense love of you which could maybe someday be transferred to her, is her hope.

So don't worry about comparing yourself to her. She can't compete with you, and you can't compete with her. They are two completely different playing fields. This is just how some people operate when their relationship is crumbling. They seek out validation from someone else quickly.

So just do your best to focus on YOU and your kids. Don't think about him as best as you can help it. Don't respond to him unless it relates to the divorce or your kids. Certainly don't play his little mind games with him. Let him see that you don't need him, and his antics don't effect you. If there is any hope for him, this is the only way he'll have a chance. If there isn't any hope for him, you'll still be on the best path for future happiness. It's win-win.
 
#203 ·
It took me a couple of weeks but I am over OW and ready to move on. H has decided he wants his family back, and when I refused, he assumed I am "cheating" again.

He won't visit his kids unless I take them there and stay with them the whole time. Otherwise I am using him to go out, according to him. I am currently sitting at home nursing my baby and he has sent me a slew of messages saying he is going to track me down at whatever bar I'm at and snap a pic of me. He believes he can show this picture to his lawyer and have the children taken from my mother (she usually babysits) and file that I abandoned my children.

He also has been stalking my Facebook and telling me that if I block any of my posts from his view, he will "reveal me as the true ***** I am". He has threatened to change the locks on the house I left to come live with family, and throw my belongings on the curb. He refused to see his girls today unless I had sex with him. I wanted to go to a friends going away party.

Anyway, the point of all of this complaining is that I am wondering if this is grounds for a restraining order? He said if he finds me with another man he will murder both of us. He has also stated that he wishes he would have killed me when he found out about my infidelity. He has hit me more than once, I just brushed it off because we were drunk and I felt like I deserved it. Now I'm considering using that to get a protective order and expedite the divorce. Is that possible? I'm tired of him trying to control me using fear and threats.
 
#204 ·
How recently did he say these things? And do you have any of it in texts, e-mails, FB messages, etc?

As for your FB, just out yourself as whatever and then block him.

Holy crap this guy is a psycho.
 
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#205 ·
This is all over the past few days. His mom contacted me saying he spoke with her about hitting rock bottom and wanting to check into a rehab center. His little girlfriend posted several depressing posts on Facebook, so I'm assuming he stopped talking to her. He tried to contact me about getting his family back and I said no. He drank so much that he fell down, passed out in the kitchen, and woke up with bruises and missed work.

When I told his mom I was over it, she also tried to guilt trip me and blame his abuse on me. I have everything on Facebook, texts, & audio recording. They both turned on me when I said I wasn't interested in going back to an abusive relationship.
 
#206 ·
Take screenshots of EVERYTHING on Facebook, back up your phone, back up any recordings that you have, and stash all of it somewhere in the Cloud.

Google Drive and Dropbox accounts are free. Make sure that you UPLOAD instead of synching, as synching will cause anything placed in the Cloud to be deleted should it be deleted from your local computer.

After that, go to the cops and attempt to get a restraining order.
 
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#209 ·
You have more than enough right now.
Follow the Polinski's advice and get that RO now!

Do you have friends or family that could be near you for a while?

This bastard is unhinged!
Agreed. Save all that for the divorce. Ensuring your immediate safety -- in as timely a manner as possible -- is of greater concern.
 
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#210 ·
I live about 70 miles away from him with my mother and grandmother. Our neighbor is protective and has guns.

I am going out tomorrow (I need a dang break!) and he has no idea. I worked at the place I'm going for 5+ years and everyone there is protective of me. I'm also not driving, for anyone worried about that.

About 1.5 months ago I got pulled over after a night out. The cop let my husband come get me. I will never live that down. However, now I don't drive when I go out. I don't go out often.
 
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