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found nude photos of my wifes ex

58K views 170 replies 43 participants last post by  LearningLifeQDay 
#1 · (Edited)
My wife and I have been married for 4 months and a few days ago I accidentally found/saw nude photos in an e-mail of her that she had sent to an ex when they first started dating as well as nude photos of him that he had sent her. I know she has a past just like I do. Hell, we have both been married before but out of sight, out of mind I guess.
I lover her more than anything and am well aware that she is with me and he is in the past. I almost didnt say anything to her because I am sure it was inadvertant. I just felt like I had to say something to her and be honest about how it made me feel that she still had things like that.
Now I know they were from before we were together but I still feel hurt, shocked, insecure, and inadequate. For example, his penis is larger than mine, she has told me she prefers me to be clean shaven and thats what the heading of one of his e-mails said. It said "I AM SMOOTH", and sure enough it was a smooth d**k pic of himself.
Finding these is hurtful. Especially since they were done shortly after they met as well. It was all laid out there with their introduction e-mail (they met on a dating site), their flirting back and forth, and then within a few days, there are these nude pictures. Also plans were discussed about him meeting her in a bar and then staying with him in his hotel afterward.
She and I met through the same site but it was weeks and weeks before we met, let alone talking the way they were and sending nude pictures. How should I feel? I know it was in the past but it slapped me in the face in the present. I am having a hard time getting images of them together out of my head or with the d**k I now have seen doing things. Also dealing with a few feelings now of how she was soo "fast" with him yet we did things slow. I am very happy about the slow though. It was the right way to do it I think. Are my feelings normal? Has anything similar happened to anyone else out there?
 
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#2 ·
Maybe she saw the other guy as someone to have fun with for the time being and then saw you as marriage material. If she sent you the nude pics right away, maybe you would have thought of her differently and the two of you wouldn't be married.

She didn't marry the other guy; she married you!
 
#3 ·
You'll understand that doesn't make us feel better right?

Because that is like saying "I wanted to have sex with this guy because he was fun and hot, and I want to marry you because you are secure and safe."

Plus, why was the other guy deserving to have nude pics sent to him right away, while her husband wasn't? Why is he not worthy enough to receive that privilege but some other loser in the past is?

If you ask me, I would feel like she is 'settling' for me. Like I am her safety. Her back up plan. Her 2nd place. And I don't feel special. No one likes second place. And this guy shouldn't either.
 
#4 ·
Being totally honest. I think you are in danger of falling into one of the nice guy traps you read about so much on this board. The good news is that you just got married so you are dealing with a clean slate, not a totally broken situation.

I would not discuss your feelings with your wife. If you feel the need to share them do it here. Read MMSL. Run Athol's MAP. If nothing else to boost your self confidence and give yourself the right framework for building and maintaining the attraction in your marriage.

Good luck.
 
#5 ·
So what some are saying here is that once a woman does something really stupid, like exchange nude photos and goes to a hotel room quickly after meeting someone stranger on a website she has to do the same stupid thing forever with every guy?

Are you saying that a woman cannot learn from a mistake.. she cannot then realize that what she did was stupid and dangerous?

The way I'd look at this is that your wife did something very stupid and learned from her mistake. That's why she took time to get to know you.

Would you rather that your relationship with her be short lived as it was with that guy? Or would you rather that she took the time to form a special relationship with you so that you are now married?

She's not very brite for keeping those photos and email exchanges either.
 
#10 ·
My god.... when did men become so idk... emotional?

Inlovebuthurt, your wife hasn't done anything to wrong to you by sending nude pics to that guy, she didn't know you and didn't even know you existed actually. She hasn't hurt you so don't decide to be a victime, that's not attrctive. Differenent circumstances inspire different outcomes. You can never know exactly what her circumstnaces were at that time or with that guy. And it doesn't matter.

She's your wife. You want nude pics from her. Create circumstances that inspire her to send you some. You be hot, be sexy, turn her on, get her panties wet. You want flirty, naughty emails... be a flirty, naughty boy. You've been given a heads up by finding those emails,you know what type of words have turned her on.
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#116 ·
This is more of a problem of discovering something very important about the character of the person you intend to spend the rest of your life with.

One thing you learn on this site is that there are warning signs that come up that signal problems ahead.

I would never marry a woman who cheated in her previous relationship. Also if she is capable of ONS before marriage then you know she doesn't need an emotional connection to get busy. To me this all matters.
The fact that this woman kept the pics is an indication of improper boundaries and lack of respect for her current relationship.

I don't know...maybe my expectations are too high, but I feel this has protected me in all the relationships I've had to date including my 22 year and still going marriage.
 
#11 ·
I didn't say I didn't WANT to sleep with him!!!! So there's the difference!
And the ex? It lasted 3 months! So the attraction obviously sore off. I finished it. 20 years later H and I are still together. H knows everything from my past and doesn't feel threatened by any of it so he KNOWS I didn't fancy the other guy more. He's got no insecurities there!

This isn't about what SHE has done in her past its about HIS insecurities.

OP, communication is the key. Talk to her. Get it out there and resolve it!
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#12 ·
I don't see the insecurities. I think you have to be smart about the red flags you find. You are right. Talk. Communicate, then decide whether you want to accept it or not. Do what you feel is best for you. You do not have to be unhappy.
 
#13 · (Edited)
Ok,
There is ALWAYS a problem when people refuse to
flip the script.

What if the OP was a woman, who saw pics of her husband's ex gf, in his email and she was a curvy woman with nice perky tits and the shape of a fitness model?
Suppose this female OP was just a plain Jane girl next door type with small tits?

Hell, even naked pics of anonymous women posing on a computer is enough to make some women insecure.

The OP is feeling insecure for the exact, same reason any woman will feel insecure given the exact , same scenario.

ETA.
When I got married an my wife moved into my home, I had some nude photographs of two of my exes in a box of stuff. She flew into a rage and ripped them to pieces. She threw away all the old " love letters" from different women etc.
I was not upset, I understood how she felt.
 
#17 ·
Ok,
This is ALWAYS a problem when people refuse to
flip the script.

What if the OP was a woman, who saw pics of her husband's ex gf, in his email and she was a curvateous woman with big perky tits and the shape of a fitness model?

Hell, even naked pics of anonymous women posing on a computer is enough to make a women insecure.

The OP is feeling insecure for the exact, same reason any woman will feel insecure given the exact , same scenario.
This is why keeping naked photos of ex's is a really bad idea. A lot of people are too insecure to handle it. They will compare every detail of the ex to find problems.

My son's dad had lots of pictures of his ex's. I did not care. They were his Exs. But I did not let him take any photos of me either because I did not want to be just one more set of photos in his collection. Now I'm glad I stuck to that.
 
#18 ·
This idea of "learning" from mistakes when it comes to sexual matters is ridiculous.

What if your husband dated a woman years ago who he took on trips overseas but then found out she was only using him for his money. Now he is with you and refuses to take you on expensive trips because he "learned his lesson."

This is a very common theme on here:

1. Loser ex gets wild monkey sex that the wife loved.
2. Husband, who is supposed to matter to her more than any other man gets vanilla sex.
3. Female posters insist that the fact your wife does not have an animal attraction to you is actually a compliment.
 
#22 ·
I am with the OP.

If my wife kept pics of her ex, (especially the OM) she'd be out of my house.

And I return the favor. I don't keep pictures of my ex's.

Why do you need to keep the pictures of an ex when you married, or even dating?
That tells me you are either:
Still hung up on that person, and you are just with me because things didn't work out with that person
Or you still miss them. That person had some qualities that I didn't, and you look fondly back on those memories. Otherwise, you would have gotten rid of those photos and emails.

I don't blame the OP for being upset. He has every right to be!
If you are spending the rest of your life with someone (or plan to) then why do you have these old memories? You should be focused on creating new ones with this love of your life.
But if this love of your life is only 2nd place to your ex, then leave now. Because you deserve to be with your first place. And if you can't make your spouse your first, then don't make them your second.

EDIT:
Also I like Zig's point.
If you aren't attracted to your husband enough to want to have crazy hot wild sex, then what are you attracted to him for?
Because maybe he would like to have crazy hot wild sex.
Don't assume just because a guy is nice doesn't mean he doesn't want that crazy side of you.
And don't hide it from us either.
 
#34 ·
....

EDIT:
Also I like Zig's point.
If you aren't attracted to your husband enough to want to have crazy hot wild sex, then what are you attracted to him for?
Because maybe he would like to have crazy hot wild sex.
Don't assume just because a guy is nice doesn't mean he doesn't want that crazy side of you.
And don't hide it from us either.
Who says that she had crazy wild sex with the guy in the photos?

Who says that did does not have crazy wild sex with her husband?

I see a lot of poeple making huge assumptions here.
 
#23 ·
I found out somethings about my wife after we had been married 7 years. I knew a little bit about it but not all of details so when I found out it was hard.there is something hard about finding out things that were unexpected about someone you love. My wife didn't even have a bad past but it was a surprise. I have never really looked at her the same since
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#26 ·
Now, why the heck are women commenting on this when they obviously don't have a clue on what is going in the OP's mind? His problem isn't exactly the idea that she wasn't a virgin. It's that one of those men actually became real now. Penis real in fact.

This messed up his image of his partner. Because one thing is to know she has been with other guys, the other was to learn who the guy is and how he is and have that engraved in his mind and triggering every time he looks at her. That's the issue here.


OP evaluate your life and you relationship. What is your status? How was the sex before this? Is she a good wife to you? Did you feel that she was settling with you before this?
 
#95 ·
Now, why the heck are women commenting on this when they obviously don't have a clue on what is going in the OP's mind? His problem isn't exactly the idea that she wasn't a virgin. It's that one of those men actually became real now. Penis real in fact.

This messed up his image of his partner. Because one thing is to know she has been with other guys, the other was to learn who the guy is and how he is and have that engraved in his mind and triggering every time he looks at her. That's the issue here.
First time poster here…I've been reading this forum for a while now because I've been looking for answers to the same issue.

I had an almost identical experience to the OP, and it just gutted me. I can't explain it rationally, nor can I say that it is fair to my wife to think this way, but nevertheless some sort of damage has been done that I don't entirely understand. The post I quoted encapsulates part of what I feel.

I explained my feelings to my wife, but I don't think she really understands. She's rightfully upset that I can't resolve it. I felt emasculated, which I've discovered is a tough thing to turn around.

All I know is that I need help, and I don't really know what to do about it. I've been to therapy before, but never really got anything out of it.
 
#30 ·
Your analogy doesnt fit....

It would fit if the op's wife doesnt have sex with him. Nude pics are just one sexual thing out of many.

What if a woman had anal sex with an ex and it didn't go well and she doesnt want to do it ever again. Does that mean the man she marries who doesnt get anal sex is runner-up to the ex who got it?
 
#29 ·
Also, I want to say this to all the women out there:

You say "She is with you now. The past is the past. GEt over it."

Well, let's say in my 20's I banged a different girl everynight, had more ONS that I can remember, and I have so many notches on my belt that it doesn't function as a belt anymore.

But I suddenly decide to settle down for marriage. Would you want to be with me? Probably not.

ANd yes, this is an extreme example.

But you don't understand what this does kind of situation the OP is facing does to a male psyche.

When my wife had an affair, the biggest question running through my head was "What did this OM have that I didn't?"
I was the picture definition of alpha (personality wise, probably not). Tall, big ripped muscles, 6 pack, cut and lean, why should she have to look else where?

It made me question my manhood. And that is the worst thing you can do to a man. Make him question his manhood.

So to all of you saying "It is the past, and some memories, get over it." learn, we men, don't get over that kind of stuff.
 
#32 ·
But your wife betrayed you while the two of you were together. I get what ou are saying, but i think your situation is different.
 
#33 ·
The OP said that he had to talk to his wife for months before she could decide if he was good enough to bed. The ex had to wait a few days.

The OP also implies that his wife would NEVER even consider the idea of nude picks despite the fact that their relationship is more serious (marriage).

WHY on Earth does she still have nude pics of an ex?

Who would you be more likely to give a $5000 loan to: your brother or some random guy on the internet?

BTW, if the OP posts again, how much do you wanna bet that his sex life with his wife sucks?
 
#42 ·
I would ask her to delete all pics of him and his tackle.

When she did that I would send her a picture of my willy with a little bow tied on it. I would caption it 'An Early Christmas Present'.

Don't use holly though, Ouch!
 
#44 ·
Perhaps she found that the type of guy she met in that manner was not for her and she decided to change tactics, take longer and make a more intelligent decision.......

She tried a more thoughtful aproach, bumped into you, and said to herself "Hey, I think this guy is allright", and wound up married to you.......

I would feel pretty pummped to think my gal put a lot of thought into our relationship, compared me to past partners, and said "Ya. this guy is for me".

Whats to feel bad about, you went through a rigorous selection process and won.....

Congratulations everyone likes a winner.....
 
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