Blind,
Of course I am not expert on depression but from what I understand part of the problem of being depressed is refusing to acknowledge that and transfering blame. I did bring this up with my husband and he said he was not depressed, ironically he said the same things you said your wife did. He said "I'm in the best shape of my life so how can I be depressed".
He doesn't know what is wrong and why he sometimes feels this way. I think its the root of our problem. I'm beginning to understand its not me. At first I felt he was depressed BECAUSE our marriage was not as strong as it was but now I realize its the other way around.
I asked him to be open and honest even if he feared hurting me and I would do the same. I asked him one night if he tried to find fault in me so he could blame me for how he felt. He was thoughtful about it and said that was definately true. Although by changing the things he said were bothering him, it improved how he felt. Didn't get rid of the problem but took pressure off of him which helped him to feel better. I asked him if he was maybe punishing me for how he felt...again he thought carefully and said that was probably true.
So now I see more in to him and don't blame him but have hope to be able to fix it. In our case he wants so badly to feel better he will go to a therapist. One night I saw that he was reaching out to me to fix this....I always fix things. If someone is sick, I see they get to the doctor, if something went bad in his business, I fix it. Here he was hurting and I didn't see it and fix it. Its not logical but its how he feels. So I took matters in to my own hands and gave him a path. I wasn't controlling, I asked his permission and gave him some suggestions. He is following them. He's a strong person, doesn't ever admit to needing help.
I do think he will get through this but I am human and I fear that I may become more of a friend than someone he is in love with. Friendship is important, we've always been each other's best friend but I want him to be in love with me too and I don't know where we are on that. He says "I love you" but I tell my children and parents that too.
I wish you all the best. I think your wife is pretty lucky to have you even if she does not realize it. I hope one day she will.
Quote:
Originally Posted by blind
AZMOM - To answer your question, yes my wife has struggled with depression. It is tough to say if that is one of the issues right now. We had one marital therapy session months ago and the therapist thought she was depressed. This upset my wife and she will not go back to him or any other therapist. She doesn't feel (or refuses to accept) she is depressed at this point because she has been working out, eating better, losing weight, has more energy etc. etc. Frankly, I believe it has something to do with our problems. However, it is such a hot button for her that I certainly can't approach her about it right now. Its a tough topic for me and I wish I knew better how to handle it. I am certain that any comments from me about the possiblity that she is depressed, no matter how caring, honest, tactful and heartfelt they may be, would be met with bitter distain and resentment. Deep down she may understand she is depressed, but I expect she blames me for much of it.
You are welcome for any useful advice I may have given. Remember I am certainly no professional when it come to relationships. Quite to the contrary indeed. To paraphrase another poster on this forum, I'm just another guy trying to fix a broken home.
Thanks again for the kind words. As always my best to you and yours.
Blind
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