Talk About Marriage - View Single Post

AZMOMOFTWO · 07-24-2008, 02:03 PM

I need your help coming up with suggestions for new hobbies or interests that my husband and I can do together. We both love the outdoors, both of us are really interested in being active and staying fit, and I'm looking for something not too expensive so we can do it once or twice a week together. Also its meant to build our relationship so it can't be go to movies where we don't interact. Some things we currently enjoy are slow pitch softball and roller blading. I don't like to run and cannot keep up with him on a bike or running. I'd love to even here off the wall things (his turn offs are wine, reading, kareoke so those are out).

An update on our situation is my husband says he is not happy. When asked point blank if he wants to be married he said about 60% no / 40% yes. I asked him to look at me and tell me he does not love me. He said he can't do that, he still has a lot of love but its not like it was. I asked him to look me in the eye and tell me if he wants to end the marriage. His answer, I can't do that. He is not happy right now and wants things to change but is unwilling or unable to try anything. He expected that the changes I made over the last month to make a difference in how he feels. He said only very little. But he made no changes at all so I asked how he thought anything would change. He did agree to go to therapy (just for him) which starts next week and actually seems to be looking forward to it. He also said to me "I'm afraid to end it, because if I do and I'm wrong then I'm screwed". Yeah, I agreed you are, you can't undo the hurt, things change forever but if that is what you want I will let you go. It was a very mature conversation and no anger, no accusations etc.

Ok, so I can't leave status quo, he is unhappy right? I know one thing is he's tired of talking and focusing all his energy on talking about these things. Me too. So I decided to try something healthy. #1 (as someone very smart here said stop watching the grass grow) for one month I will not bring up anything related to our relationship, ask him how he feels etc. If he brings it up, we will talk about it. I did not tell him this, I am just doing it. #2 He said he wants some alone time. He called it freedom. (Funny I am one of the easiest people that way...want to have drinks with the boys sure, I'll watch the kids. I've never second guessed him or been suspicious. I never tell him what to do, i.e. if he sleeps in on the weekend, I keep kids quiet, never ask him to do any chores, etc.) So I am making plans to do things that will allow him some alone time on weekends and I am making new friends at the same time. Healthy right. #3 Find hobbies/interests we enjoy together. I asked him how about if we find 2 new hobbies or interests we like to do and do them together. Then you have things you want to do and we carve out time as a family for all four of us. He said yes, he wanted to do that. So this is where I need your help, ideas on hobbies/interests.

Oh last but not least we have date night and a weekly lunch. He planned Saturday night, when I felt he did not want to be married and wanted alone time I suggested that we cancel it as well as our lunch plans Friday. His reaction suprised me. No! I planned it. I said plans can be changed. He said he wanted to go and was insistent we cancel neither. Ok, I plan to just have fun and put problems aside. I have a sitter planned.

07-24-2008, 02:03 PM	#1 (permalink)
AZMOMOFTWO Member Join Date: Jun 2008 Posts: 303	Hobbies/Interests Help PLEASE! I need your help coming up with suggestions for new hobbies or interests that my husband and I can do together. We both love the outdoors, both of us are really interested in being active and staying fit, and I'm looking for something not too expensive so we can do it once or twice a week together. Also its meant to build our relationship so it can't be go to movies where we don't interact. Some things we currently enjoy are slow pitch softball and roller blading. I don't like to run and cannot keep up with him on a bike or running. I'd love to even here off the wall things (his turn offs are wine, reading, kareoke so those are out). An update on our situation is my husband says he is not happy. When asked point blank if he wants to be married he said about 60% no / 40% yes. I asked him to look at me and tell me he does not love me. He said he can't do that, he still has a lot of love but its not like it was. I asked him to look me in the eye and tell me if he wants to end the marriage. His answer, I can't do that. He is not happy right now and wants things to change but is unwilling or unable to try anything. He expected that the changes I made over the last month to make a difference in how he feels. He said only very little. But he made no changes at all so I asked how he thought anything would change. He did agree to go to therapy (just for him) which starts next week and actually seems to be looking forward to it. He also said to me "I'm afraid to end it, because if I do and I'm wrong then I'm screwed". Yeah, I agreed you are, you can't undo the hurt, things change forever but if that is what you want I will let you go. It was a very mature conversation and no anger, no accusations etc. Ok, so I can't leave status quo, he is unhappy right? I know one thing is he's tired of talking and focusing all his energy on talking about these things. Me too. So I decided to try something healthy. #1 (as someone very smart here said stop watching the grass grow) for one month I will not bring up anything related to our relationship, ask him how he feels etc. If he brings it up, we will talk about it. I did not tell him this, I am just doing it. #2 He said he wants some alone time. He called it freedom. (Funny I am one of the easiest people that way...want to have drinks with the boys sure, I'll watch the kids. I've never second guessed him or been suspicious. I never tell him what to do, i.e. if he sleeps in on the weekend, I keep kids quiet, never ask him to do any chores, etc.) So I am making plans to do things that will allow him some alone time on weekends and I am making new friends at the same time. Healthy right. #3 Find hobbies/interests we enjoy together. I asked him how about if we find 2 new hobbies or interests we like to do and do them together. Then you have things you want to do and we carve out time as a family for all four of us. He said yes, he wanted to do that. So this is where I need your help, ideas on hobbies/interests. Oh last but not least we have date night and a weekly lunch. He planned Saturday night, when I felt he did not want to be married and wanted alone time I suggested that we cancel it as well as our lunch plans Friday. His reaction suprised me. No! I planned it. I said plans can be changed. He said he wanted to go and was insistent we cancel neither. Ok, I plan to just have fun and put problems aside. I have a sitter planned.