Sorry this is long. Just need to tell someone.
I've been married 16 years. His third, my first.
Together we have one teen. He has adult children and grandchildren from previous marriages.
At 57 he has been retired for two years. I am 41 and quit working when our child was two. I operated a home day care until five years ago.
He never beat me or hit me. Provided me with a warm dry roof over my head. Money has always been tight and still is. I have no problem with that. I was born and raised without wealth and don't know any different.
It's a problem for him. His last divorce (20 years ago) left him bankrupt without anything and he finally stopped paying child support 6 years ago. We are not bad off, but he thinks so. We only owe less that seven grand on the house and have less than two grand on credit cards. We fully own our two vehicles. He is constantly complaining about no money, is
fervently trying to win the lottery and thinks if he could only buy me everything I will love him.
I lost my love for him a long time ago. I thought I had to just live with it - cause "I made my bed......" It eventually threw me into a big depression - almost gave up. Until I went on antidepressants. I have been off the meds for over a year.
How do you lose your love for a person? Because you give and give until your empty. In a normal relationship you give and get so your "cup" is never emptied. Sometimes you give a little more than you get - but eventually it evens out. Mine never evened out. I have been operating on empty for more than 7 years. Now that I have asked for a separation - he is kind of trying to fill the "cup", but it's too late. I don't want him to fill it anymore.
I know how to make the best of everything - go with the flow. I even accepted what he threw at me - even though it hurt me deep inside. I never asked for anything materially. I only wanted him to listen to how my day was - not tell me that my day wasn't as important as his, cause he was out working - and then proceed to tell me all about his day for the next three hours (not kidding here - he likes to talk). I wanted him to listen to my dreams - no matter how far fetched they could be - that's why they are called dreams. Instead he would just get angry. I wanted to be held and comforted when feeling down - not being told to get over it. I wanted him to stand behind me when in conflict with others - not to tell me that he agrees with me but then "sucks" up to the other because he doesn't want them to hate him. I never wanted him to yell at me for spilling the milk, for forgetting to buy the milk, for pouring the milk the wrong way - not his way. I don't want to be the one to be blamed for everything, for feeling ashamed or incompetent.
I want to go out with a friend now and then, be an active member in the women's league or just go out on my own sometimes - without being made to feel guilty for not spending the time with him.
I want to sit beside him and read a book when he watches TV. When we have conversations, I want to participate actively - not just to listen to him. I want him to listen to me and not talk over me. I just don't want to be yelled at anymore. I don't want to cry myself to sleep every night. I don't want him to make our teen run and cry everyday.
So five weeks ago I asked for a separation. He did exactly what our child said he would do. He got angry and said mean things. Our child later asked me why he said "after everything I've done for you" because she can't figure out what he did for me. I told her he gave us a warm roof, food in the fridge, etc. She rolled her eyes. I, once again, felt foolish.
He is still talking about our future, still taking me at night while I lay there without moving, holding tears back, thanking heaven it only takes him a minute, and when he is done I roll over and silently cry while he talks about how good it was.
In between his snide remarks, he has been telling me nice things and is constantly touching me and grabbing me (I have been feeling so violated)and all he has been getting from he is a cold reaction.
I can't move out until I find a job, and my child has two years left of school, she doesn't want me to go very far ( we live in the country right now). I have offered to help pay the rest of the bills and won't take anything when I do go - but am changing my mind more and more every time he makes a snide remark.
Later today or tomorrow I am going to have to tell him again that I still don't love him and don't want to be married to him. We live in a small two bedroom home, so I am going to have to propose that we bring the single bed in for me to sleep on and divide our bedroom with a sheet down the middle - like teenagers do. He can live his life and I will live mine - separately, like roommates. I am going to have to tell him to let his family know, tell him to get out there and find a date for an upcoming wedding on his side of the family. I'm soooo scared to do this - I hate conflict. I hope he lets me say what I need to say before he interrupts. I hate always being the bad guy.
Guess I'm going to tell my parents this weekend. They think I have a good marriage. (I'm not one to complain).