DaisyJane56

Thanks for the replys. To answer some of the things you all have so kindly said, let me say that I appreciate the concern and suggestions.

When I gave him the one last chance, I have to say that his addiction to pills has been going on now since 2003. He has been using/abusing vicodin, xanax, and soma's now since 2003. Last Christmas was the first Christmas he was straight or not going through some kind of withdrawal from the pills. In 2004 we were suppose to go to my grandparents (700 miles away from where we live) for Christmas. My grandfather was not in very good health and all of the famiily knew that this particular Christmas would probably be his last Christmas with us. It was. All and I mean all of my family from all over came that year for Christmas....all except me. We had plans to go and the night before we were to leave, my husband came home sick in withdrawals. I started out the next morning without him. I was following my parents in my own truck and about 75 miles up the road, we stopped at a rest area for a break. I was so upset because i knew my place was home with my dope sick husband. And..I told my mom I had to go home and be with him. She knew of his drug use and when I told her this, I busted out balling my eyes out. She hugged me and told me she understood and that whatever I needed to do, i should do. So i turned around and came home. When I got home I woke my husband up and told him I was home and he just said,"Oh" and he immediately went back to sleep. I missed the last Christmas with my grandfather. My husband has either been high or dope sick now for every Christmas and new years except this past one when my grandma came down (the wife of the grandpa whose last Christmas I missed). I told him that if he was high or dope sick this last Christmas while my grandma was here....he could leave and spend Christmas with his parents.

Over the past 5 years...I have given him chance after chance. I have told him that at some point if he didn't get clean and stay clean...there would come a time that i would eventually say enough is enough.

Fast forward to this last May. We had 2 graduations in May to go to. Both of which were his nieces. One in college and one in high school. The weekend after the one who graduated from high school, the first niece was getting married and he was an usher in the wedding. He was going to usher his sister down the aisle for her first daughter's wedding. Well....he was using at both graduations, and the night before the wedding, he was high. His son was here in town for the wedding and needless to say his family knows about his drug use. i didn't want to ruin his sisters daughters day by letting them all know he was high. But at the same time i didn't want him to ruin the wedding and fall on his face while walking his sister down the aisle. Well his son knew what was going on, and after the rehearsal dinner, i went to the Bachelorette party. his son was going to check his things to see if he had any more pills with him. Well his son felt real uncomfortable doing this so he first talked to his dad about it and asked him to tell him the truth and did he have any more pills. He lied to his son, but his son didn't beleive he was telling the truth so his son searched his briefcase and bingo...found a bunch of pills. His son was so upset he called me at the party. i went outside to talk to him and after I had been out there a while, his sister came outside to see what was going on. I told her. She wanted to talk to her brother and she was cying and begging him to not be high the day of the wedding. Well he wasn't because his son got all his stash. But his son was so upset and angered at his dad. he told me that he didn't want to be around his dad anymore.

Then 1 week after the wedding my brother was coming to town and he has a wife and 2 small boys. I was so afraid my husband would use while they were here. I told him that if my brother weren't coming to town from clear across the USA....i would divorce him then. But I didn't want to be in the middle of splitting things up and a divorce when my brother was here, so i was going to give him one more chance and it was only because my family would all be in town for a family reunion. So he better clean up his act. That is why I gave him one last chance....I just didn't want to put my family through our break up. I just didn't want to deal with it. I had been stressed enough because of the graduations and weddings. needless to say, he's been clean since June 6th. But my giving him this last chance is one of about 200 last chances in the last 5 years. But....I do agree, I did promise to give him one more chance and if I go back on my word...then I'm lying just like has been doing.

As far as him taking a drug test every month....I've done one better. He's been getting tested twice a week....but he had figured out that he could get tested, use for a day or two and then drink alot of water....and he would somehow pass the drug tests. Even his counselor was surprised at that one. you see he gets tested once a week at the counselors office and then the counselor emails me with the results. Then in the middle of the week, we were testing him at home. the only thing I can think of is that the tests we're using during the middle of the week , he brings home from the counselor. maybe he's been doctoring the tests before he gets them home. I dont know...but I've tried the tests and he figured a way to get around them. So I have no idea when he's telling me the truth or using. Even the drugs tests aren't proof enough....ugh.

I've thought so many times about leaving him. We;ve been married 15 years now and the day after Christmas (our anniversary) we'll be married 16 years. When we first got married, he had a drinking problem of which I didn't know how much he drank. But only because when we dated we only saw each other on the weekends. We lived 200 miles apart. At one point in our dating relationship, I asked him if he drank every night. he said no and stupid me I believed him. So needless to say the first 7 to 8 years of our marriage was lousy because of his drinking. But after we saw a counselor, he quit drinking. Then a little over a year or so, he found a new love....pills. And oh man...what I would'nt give to let him go back to drinking if he would stop using the pills. The pills are better in his eyes...he can do them during the week, the weekend....anytime he wants. Believe me i've asked myself where will we be when we are old enough to retire...I honestly don't know. I honestly don't know if I will ever be able to trust him again. Because addiction...is something that he will always have. He will always be an addict and at any given point in time, he can always pick up again and start using. So that scares me to death....I think that things could be good for a couple of years and then he could screw up again.

As far as my hormones go and taking hormones of any kind, I've already had my doctors at MD Anderson Cancer Center tell me to never take them because of the breast cancer in my family and because I'm already being watched closely because of the biopsy's they done. I have a titanium chip in my left breast, it is what they call a "marker." They put it there because they're concerned with this area and they want to be able to see it on my mamograms. the chip marks the areas and so they know immediately to look closer at those areas. I'm already a high risk and taking hormones would put me at an even higher risk. So that's why I won't take them. So in my viewpoint, I've already had doctors tell me to not take hormones and even the all natural ones because whether they're prescription hormones or all natural ones, they're still hormones that can be there for cancer to feed on. They just don't want me to have anything that would give the cancer something to feed on and grow into something serious.

there are days that my heart tells me to leave and then there are days my heart tells me to stay. But there are more days that my heart says leave. it use to just be my head telling me to leave....but now I've lost so many feelings of love and I have no idea where to find them. I am open to counseling for our marriage, I am open to working on things with him. But before I can completely feel good about working on this marriage, I have to first have trust in him. And the trust i once had, he had destroyed with all his lies. I'm not sure he even knows how to tell the truth. I just dont' know what to do or where to go. there are times I want to be around him, but those times are fewer now. Back in 2005, I actually left him for 2 weeks to figure out things. I told him I needed to leave and find out if I missed him and if i missed him, I needed to be gone long enough to where I couldn't stand being away from him any longer. it only took me 2 weeks and then I was ready to come home. he had promised me while I was gone that he was clean. he met me in Branson Missouri and we had a wonderful time together. I thougt he had finally gotten his crap together and when I got back home...it was one week after I got home that I found out he had lied to me and he was using while I was gone.

There is so many more things I could tell you all, so many stories of lied and deciept on his part...It would probably take me weeks to tell it all. I won't bore you anymore with all of it...LOL...I just need to figure out I guess what I'm going to do and how I'm going to do it. If anyone has any more suggestions....I open to almost anything....I don't believe in divorce, but I also don't believe in being miserable. Luckily we don't have any children of our own...that would be so much worse.