I feel your pain Veryconfused. When i get dressed up its like i dont even exist. He hardly looks at me. He rarely wants to be intimate with me. Its unbelievably frustrating and demoralizing. My husband also has a thing for other women. I, too put spyware on the computer and found all kinds of things that just crushed me.
My first advice to you is remember it has nothing to do with you. I went through the phase of thinking if only i took better care of myself, if i met his needs better, if i was happier, etc. Forget it. Separate yourself from his choices.
Secondly, never argue with him about if what he is doing is wrong or not. Its hurting you so it is wrong for you. That's all that matters. If it's wrong for him or not is not your concern at this point.
Lastly, and most importantly, set up consequences for his choices. This is an excellent website to help you communicate your feelings:
Setting Personal Boundaries - protecting self
Scroll down to the section titled Formula for Emotionally Honest Communication and use the communication formula then use the formula under Setting Boundaries to communicate the consequences to his behavior.
-lj